Is it time to push him? Need help for depressed H

[summerd]

My husband is battling serious depression. I don't know whether he's on his medication - but the separation he thought might help has not made him any happier. Now I'm getting depressed and our son revealed last night that he's really having a rough time with all this. I got a life, I've layed off him almost completely - but the GREAT solution oriented therapist I'm seeing says it's time to try to get him to come home - that he doesn't need to be in his lonely "motel" like place during the holidays. This month is his b-day, our anniversary and halloween! She thinks this is all trauma induced from cancer 3 years ago and not a midlife crisis. When I told him this morning about the things our son said.. I added that, "we really miss you, honey." He could hardly speak during the conversation - he just cried and said, "I think I have to hang up now."
Should I take the advice of the counselor and just try to push him to come home??

[azhira]

You could test the waters some, and see what happens. Do you guys hang out much? Is he over at the house often? For dinner, or anything like that?

I'd say start with something small, and see what the response is, and then go from there.

[summerd]

Yes - he comes and hangs sometimes. I went ahead and took her advice. We had a long walk around the neighborhood and just talked. He revealed that he's "stuck," he doesn't like the negotiation process that goes on in a relationship and feels bad that he can't make a decision. He also revealed he doesn't feel comfortable in our house and likes his solitude. I listened a lot - when I questioned at the end of the conversation about whether some other model or arrangement might be more comfortable for him, he got stressed so I ended the conversation.
Today I took him to the airport - he hugged and kissed me goodbye. He hadn't done that in some time. I feel good about everything. Now I don't know what to do about his birthday and our anniversary!

[azhira]

Maybe something small, and unromantic? What would you do for a good friend?

Listening is good. It's an underutilized skill.

Expectations are the problem. I wouldn't expect your next interaction to be as friendly...he will probably pull back some. That's okay. It's normal.

Have a good weekend!

[summerd]

Thank you, Azhira. I am so confused and depressed. I am both poised to end it and determined to hang on. Sometimes I don't even know what or who I am. This is a desperate state and I feel like giving up so often. Thank you for kind workds. I want to keep hope alive.

[mkultra]

I also think it would be best for him to come home. He has to think it is his idea though.

My H's depression also puzzled me. I had no idea how much his manhood had been undermined in every part of his life. There is a difference between situational depression and clinical.