Divorced but CANNOT "move on": Urgent Help Needed!

[azhira]

My irritation with this attitude has more to do with her callous disregard for the impact of her decisions upon two vulnerable and innocent children.

Ok. I apologize if I misunderstood...I am a bit sensitive on this topic.

Otherwise...stay out of it. Your kids are old enough to deal with this directly with their mother. There is no need for you to be in the middle.

You both are telling me that there's no evidence that I'm any better for my XW than her current #1 OM.

There's not. You're being judgmental. It's entirely out of your hands. Don't worry about his MySpace, don't worry about his professed beliefs, don't worry about any of it. It's not about him; it's not about your xw; right now, you're making it about you. Let it go. Let it go for you...for your own sanity, for your own peace of mind. Just let it go.

Incidentally, Mr. OM continues to be quite evasive when asked about the events leading him to divorce Mrs. OM #1.

How do you know this? Did your xw tell you so?

Again, just if he really is a crappy guy, the best thing you can do is stand back and let him trip himself up. If you "help" it along in any way...well...your xw will always wonder. She has to be able to see it for herself.

Thanks again to you both for the "tough love" approach; I hope to get to the point where I'll recognize the point of your messages before acting upon the urge to defend my actions.

Well, not necessarily trying to do the tough love thing...just being direct.

[Dead Man Walking]

...You have to let her make the mistakes and see things on her own. Hopefully eventually she'll realize what a scumbag OM is. And at the same time she sees that you've been there the whole time and how much better you are.

DaveJ,

I believe every word you wrote. The hard part is putting your advice into practice. I know that it would be wiser to keep all my commentary to myself regarding OM. I also know that I'm not married to my XW, so I have no rights whatsoever to pass judgment on whoever she decides to "date".

Her choice of my potential "replacement" is insulting and repugnant to me. So, maybe it's as much my own pride as it is my legitimate concern for XW's and our kids' fate that becomes too much for me to keep silent about.

The other thing that I'm struggling with at this point is taking to heart some of the other advice I'm receiving. Specifically, I have been told that I should never say, "No one will ever love (or accept or appreciate, etc.) you like I do." Nor should I allow myself to believe for a second that I might actually be the "best person for her". I have great respect for the wisdom of the folks who tell me these things, but I guess I'm not "mature" enough or haven't suffered long enough yet to accept those statements at face value. [I'll confess something here that probably was a big mistake (although it felt like the "thing to do at the time"): I have told my wife--in no uncertain terms--that I love her unconditionally--meaning that I will always love her, even if she spends the remainder of her life without me.]

I'll grant that, out of the entire male population of the Southeastern U.S. (which seems to be her "extended hunting ground"), there's bound to be someone out there who might accept, love, and understand my XW--given a significant investment of time, thick skin, and a tolerance for wide mood swings. But, even if she somehow managed to find that one-in-a-million guy, how could he be "the right man for her" or a "better mate" than I am? After all, he would presumably bring along his own baggage, accumulated over the past 40+ years--including ex-wiv(es), children, step-children, religious beliefs (or lack thereof), possible health problems, addictions, criminal records, etc.

On the other hand, my XW and I already have all the right things in common--without the "baggage". More importantly, we have our children in common! Despite my temptations, I don't say a single derogatory word to my kids about any man she dates; I don't have to. Both my kids are perceptive enough--and still very emotionally vulnerable--to tell me that they want to live with me. (That's not my idea; I don't even have enough room for them both in my current apartment.) Can it be that each of them is also unimpressed with Mom's new boyfriends?

So, the reason I'm failing to make much progress toward my goal of attracting my XW's romantic interests is because I'm too egotistical and/or concerned about my XW and/or my children's fate to refrain from making "diplomatically" judgmental suggestions &/or comments. As I posted earlier, I at least have learned not to instigate these conversations. But even when she brings up the topic of OM, I'm too close to the situation to keep quiet. [Although it's the wrong thing to do, I'm afraid that my kids might suffer needlessly--just as my XW did--because of a foolish, "rebound" emotional decision.]

Help! How do I force myself to keep my yap shut?!

[NewHorizons]

You are divorced and refuse to accept that fact. Period. End stop. She is no longer bound to you and you need to turn your back until she comes to you. You only have your children in common now. Turn away. Be the man she needs but quit trying so hard.

NH

[KristyS]

Hi DMW - I just sent you an email.

Kristy

[azhira]

Stop judging her. Period. You are receiving excellent advice...so..do it.

Maybe it's a rebound. Maybe it will be love forever. Maybe she'll marry the guy. It's entirely out of your control.

You simply can't say that you are the absolute, one and only person who will ever love her. Because that's not true. In all honesty, telling her that no one else could love her like you do, is controlling. Period. Telling her that no one else could love her like you do because she is difficult/needy/(fill in the blank) is not only controlling, it reminds me an awful lot of one of those checklist items you see for abusive relationships.

Stop judging her dating life.

There's nothing you can do about it. Be a father to your children for awhile, and that's it.

Stop arguing with us, it's wasted energy. Stop saying you can't do it...because you can, if you want to. (Nobody said it was easy.)

Focus on just you and your kids for awhile. Try to see what it is about you that you so desperately need to have this woman back. That sounds like a pretty good starting point for your own self-examination.

Work on some GAL. Try IC.

All of this focusing on her, isn't getting you anywhere.

[AKmusic]

Dead Man,
I think you have been given some great advice from everyone. Use the energy you have about thinking of your wife for your kids instead, or even for yourself. You should probably stop reading the "how to win her back" books, as I think your GAD will get worse, trust me I have been there myself. The best thing I can tell you what has started to work for me, was to be my ex wife's friend. I mean a real friend not someone with alterior motives. Let her come to you, but in turn you need to be open. Eventually she may have a serious crisis and turn to you. In that case you have your foot in the door and be non judgemental, and really try to help. In my case my stepmother told me that she thinks my wife is a strange bird, not in a bad way but requires a certain level of tolerance. She also said the same thing about me, being the artsy type that I am. In time she may realize that no one knows her like me and when we are in sync we are fantastic. Real love never dies, and that is the only hope that I can hang on to. You need to let her relationship play itself out and be a good listener, she may see something in you then that was not obvious before due to the way that you interacted. You were married along time, and that is a giant investment. Good luck and keep your chin up.

[Dead Man Walking]

AKMusic,

Thanks for the encouraging words. I'm sure you're probably right that my best chance for success will result from a sincere effort to be my wife's best friend. Unfortunately, she seems to have discovered a slew of new "best friends", now that she makes no secret of her new "very available" status. Incredibly, she seems to trust these strangers over me--simply because they are not me! I can't begin to understand why she would ask advice from any guy who sends her email--yet refuse to share anything with me. (The point is not lost on me; I WILL NOT offer her unsolicited comments or advice.)

She has recently "painted herself into a corner". She had been dating a particular older attorney for about 3 months, but she had seemed to be cooling to the relationship. She has been discussing with her XSIL ways in which she could extricate herself--unless he were to take some visible action to commit himself to an "exclusive dating relationship" with her.

I don't have to tell you that I was (privately) thrilled to see her break off with the dude; he is a transparent phony who manipulates my XW--without agreeing to stop seeing other women. (I know these things because her own sister, our D17, her former SIL, and her father have each told my XW that she deserves much better. I recognized his inferior qualities from the first week she met him, but I'm not allowed to offer opinions--or even to show any interest in her personal life anymore.)

Anyway, her OM recognized that "the jig was up", so he took pre-emptive action: He bought two tickets for a 6-day trip to the Bahamas the week before Christmas. He presented this invitation as evidence of his "affection" for her. Yet, he still refuses to stop dating other women, or to make any commitment to "always be there" for my XW.

My XW had refused to share OM's bed after finally recognizing that she was being taken advantage of. I'm betting that OM didn't reserve any rooms with twin beds in Bahamas, so it will be interesting to see how she responds to a tropical vacation. [I suspect that she'll accept on his terms for the time being.]

You should probably stop reading the "how to win her back" books, as I think your GAD will get worse, trust me I have been there myself.

Anyone who has read my posts will notice that I have been rather ambivalent (at best) about accepting all the advice I receive at face value. Some of the "old-timers" here don't try to hide their disdain that I still "don't get it". But, as you mentioned, there are many other strategies, philosophies, and perspectives with the same goal of reconciling wrecked marriages. Some of these are more in line with my Christian roots, and therefore have radically different values and assumptions about the significance and purpose of marriage than those provided on DB.com.

Understand, I very much appreciate the sincere, direct, well-meaning words these good folks have shared with me. I'm certain that much of their advice is dead-on accurate (at least for most situations). Still, I do wonder how many veterans of the message boards (not necessarily those who respond directly to me, by the way) are still divorced? Or are separated, but now dating someone other than their spouses?

Maybe, if many months pass and I find myself still "unhappily unmarried", I will become more open-minded (less skeptical) about accepting anything I'm told, no matter how counter-intuitive. Until then, I'm too inexperienced/stubborn to rule out other reputable resources--including the Holy Bible! [Oh well, there goes any semblance of "intelligence" or "rational thought" I might have earned in some people's minds.]

[Just_Me]

Anyone who has read my posts will notice that I have been rather ambivalent (at best) about accepting all the advice I receive at face value. Some of the "old-timers" here don't try to hide their disdain that I still "don't get it". But, as you mentioned, there are many other strategies, philosophies, and perspectives with the same goal of reconciling wrecked marriages. Some of these are more in line with my Christian roots, and therefore have radically different values and assumptions about the significance and purpose of marriage than those provided on DB.com.

Maybe, if many months pass and I find myself still "unhappily unmarried", I will become more open-minded (less skeptical) about accepting anything I'm told, no matter how counter-intuitive. Until then, I'm too inexperienced/stubborn to rule out other reputable resources--including the Holy Bible! [Oh well, there goes any semblance of "intelligence" or "rational thought" I might have earned in some people's minds.]

Actually, I think it's more like you have been resistent to taking any advice. Yes, there are other strategies and perhaps you should practice those. But you are on a DBing website, and so you should expect to get that kind of advice. If you want Christian advice, then there is probably a different website of likeminded individuals.

I'm not exactly sure why you are even here. Were you hoping that people would say, "yes DMW, you are the bomb and of course there is no one in the world better suited for your wife than you"? Maybe her new "best friends" actually listen to her. Maybe her new best friends don't think they know what is best for her.

Don't hold your breath waiting for advice when you are more receptive. You will probably have alienated everyone that tried to help you by then. I've given you my speel already so there is no point in further wasting your time, or mine, on further advice that you will be quick to point out doesn't apply to your situation.

I do wonder how many veterans of the message boards (not necessarily those who respond directly to me, by the way) are still divorced? Or are separated, but now dating someone other than their spouses?

Most of them. And there is a very good chance that you will remain that way also. That's just the odds. You've been given advice that may increase your odds, and from my perspective, the most important is for you to change some of your behaviors and attitudes. If some of the superiority and controlling stuff becomes obvious to us from your writing, it isn't difficult to imagine how it may have gotten old for your ex-wife.

[Jet]

I'm sure you are familiar with the story of the guy stranded on top of a house with rising flood waters, praying for God to save him. With each passing boat, the man rejects help saying he has faith God will save him. Once he arrived in heaven and asked God why He let him drown....God reminded him that He sent three boats by.

Perhaps God has brought into your life via the virtual world people who can help you. Pray about it and make sure the advice you are rejecting isn't one of those passing boats.

Jet

[Tamashii]

DMW,

I don't know why I was attracted to this forum. Perhaps because I'm getting ready to sign D papers I figured I should check this forum out. But I believe God led me to you.
You problem is a spiritual one.
You are led around by your feelings, and feelings will accomplish nothing in the business of marriage restoration.

The first three steps of the AA program, which are borrowed by many other programs, go something like this:
1.) I am POWERLESS over alcohol. (Some of us like to add, as we learn, PEOPLE, PLACES, THINGS and SITUATIONS.) My life is UNMANAGEABLE by me.
This is you. Maybe not the alcohol, so substitute XW. You can control NOTHING except what you do next.
Sit there a minute and savor that.
2.) There is a power greater than myself who can restore me to sanity. Who is that power for you, DMW? Is it God? Call on Him. Ask Him to restore you to sanity.
3.) I turn my LIFE and my WILL over to God as I know Him and ask that my thoughts and actions be based upon His will, not mine. I add to this my WIFE, my MARRIAGE and any other situation I can't handle, which is most of them.

We do this as many times as necessary to get us through a day without doing something stupid, be it taking a drink or bothering a spouse who wants nothing to do with us.

The Serenity Prayer goes with this: "God, grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the THINGS (XW, etc.) I CANNOT CHANGE, the courage to change the things I can (ME) and the WISDOM to know the difference."

When you can embrace these concepts, you will begin to act rationally, which, up to this point, seems to have been an area of challenge for you.
You need to shut up, back up and detach from this woman. I can make it no prettier than that. George Patton said "when I want them to hear me, I give it to 'em loud and dirty. That way they remember."
It's ok to stand for your marriage. If that's what you want to do, visit http://www.rejoiceministries.org or http://www.midlife.com or http://www.covenantkeepersinc.com. You will receive great support.
But there are things that only make the situation worse, and you are doing every one of them. You need to shut up, back up and detach from this woman. Yes, I repeated it.
This is harder for some than others, but you must start, and you must practice until it becomes natural for you. At THAT point, the chance for restoration will manifest itself. A CHANCE.
Now you have no chance, because your selfishness is pushing her further away. She's saying to herself, 'I knew I was right to dump that SOB. Look at how he acts!'
Doing this hurts like hell. But it's your only chance.

I have more but it's time for church. I leave you with Corinthians 1:13, Paul's teachings on love. You probably recited them at your ceremony but didn't really assimilate them. Read them now and meditate on them.

God bless you,

David