My Journey Begins...New here

[thba]

So I am a little miffed about something right now and am seeking the advice of you all to help formulate a response...

Earlier in the week, xw had mentioned we should go see a movie together. I thought that was great and I aranged a babysitter for Saturday. Well, last night, she tells me that a friend of hers may come down to go out. I have to say I am hurt...while I don't have a problem spending time with friends and even her going and doing her own thing, but right now at this point of where things are, I feel it is important for us to spend time just her and I when we get the chance.

I am also a little uneasy about this friend as she is divorced herself and not the best promoter of healthy relationships. Last night the xw stated that this friend knows about us so it's not big deal....

So how should I respond about this? I really want to us to spend time together but don't want to cause any turbulance...

[JAK58]

You say go out have a good time and we can do a movie another nite.

Give her space and show her that you are happy, caring, and the H that she will want to be with.


Her friend will not be there long and hopefully can not be that much of an influence.

JAK

[Concerned_Listener]

THBA,
Ditto with Jak.

I think the foundation of practice for a H is learning to improve connection and learning to be more considerate. With that in mind, you let your W have time with her friend, even though it disrupts your plans, and you don't approve of her friend.

If you make a fuss about it, you're going to be viewed as controlling and selfish. You don't want to spend time with your XW anyway, if she would rather be elsewhere.

You're going to need to work on working with your situation as it is, versus trying to control your W to fit your expectations.

CL

[thba]

All,

Thank you for the advice and I heeded it. I knew letting her go was the right thing to do and I had no problem with doing that. I was more looking for advice on how to respond in a manner that was non-threatening and let her know that I genuinely didn't mind her going. I just came here to make my fuss about it instead of to her. That's what this place is for right!!! It initially just hurt a little....but (and there always is..ME!!!) it seems to have worked out quite pleasantly.

Sent her an email just as suggested stating to go have a good time with her friend and we could do it another time. She responded saying that She would rather go to dinner and a movie with me and that she can go out with her friend some other time. She also wants to take the kids and I out to dinner Fri to a place we enjoy going to her treat.

I responded that she makes me smile!!!

[runningoutoftime]

One more thing... it's not necessarily a bad thing that she's out with another divorced woman who may be a "bad influence." That entire scene might be exciting at first, but in time it gets really old. I think it's better a WAS (or ex-spouse) they don't come back until they are really tired of it. There will always be opportunity and influences. If not this friend than another....

Just plan to see her another time and wish her well ... and do something special with the kids.... or friends!!!

[thba]

running....right now, it's more of a trust issue than the fact that this person is of the divorced pool. We are still VERY new to the reunited scene and so the scars are still fresh in my mind. I know over time they will fade but I am doing my best to live the DB way and keep my insecurities inside and be thankful for what I do have at the moment.

[thba]

Well, been a few days since I posted...(it don't take long to move down the list!!!)

Things have been going well. Had a trust item come up that bothered me a great deal but was able to talk to her about it in a caring manner and we talked it through with no conflict. That was a very nice change I must admit.

Over the past weekend, we brought more of her stuff over and are slowly but surely getting her apartment cleaned out. Probably will have it mostly complete by the end of this coming weekend. She has been the one wanting to get things cleaned up over there so I take it as a good sign as to where her head is at in regards to us being back together and developing a new start. She has had me hanging stuff on the walls and making plans to redo certain areas of the house. It's been fun watching her get excited in her way about this.

I have been working my butt off being the best husband I can be. I have been starting dinner each night. Helping with the kids homework and bedtime routines. Doing dishes after dinner. I am enjoying doing these things as I know they make her happy.

We have been more intimate with each other lately. Little hugs and kisses here and there. Last night she asked for a back rub and I excitedly obliged. In the past I didn't enjoy doing this but just to have my hands on her was more than enough motivation for me. Then, at bedtime, I was laying there looking at her. I guess I finally couldn't take being in the same bed as her and not being intimate any longer. Began kissing her and that led to s e x. First time in a year and a half!!! It was exactly the same and absolutely wonderful. Not sure what her feeling about it was afterward, but I may bring it up with her this evening.

This morning, when I was leaving, I gave her a kiss and told her ILY. It just kind of slipped out and she seemed to be caught off gaurd. Hope she doesn't crawl back in the hole a bit because of that.

Overall, great progress being made.....

[thba]

Not sure if anyone is reading this, but have something to ask of those who are...

How do you deal with family that is less than enthusiastic about a couple getting back together? There has been a lot of hurt over the whole ordeal and while we are able to move on, there are those around us that aren't quite as willing to move forward.