Would you say the divorce was hard on your son? Before the divorce, was there a lot of "yoyoing" in your marriage; i.e. either of you leaving or threatening to leave? Perhaps he has worries about the situation. Maybe he doesn't know what's going on and is afraid to hope for a reconciliation because if things don't work out he'd have to go through the pain again.
One thing I did make clear to my husband is if he came back he'd have to stay minimally until the youngest was 18. I couldn't have the kids go through that type of instability and pain again.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
No, there wasn't any "yoyo'ing" but a fair amount of arguing. I do believe he has some apprehention right now and I plan to address that with him this weekend as we will have some good time together.
I do believe that there is a hint of a fear of her leaving again from him, but I am not sure how to comfort him other than to continue to tell him that we are working on things and that he can share with us anytime he wants.
You say that he could only stay "minimally"? What do you mean by that? My children are young (not even 10 yet) so I am not sure that my situation would work well with that, but I am curious what you mean and what your intentions are with that.
H: 33 (ME) WAW: 33 S: 10 D: 7 3/17/06 Wife left 10/4/06 D Final 9/30/07 XW states she wants to reconcile 10/7/07 XW starts process of moving back in
I probably worded that wrong. What I meant was my husband would need to stay in the marriage at least until the youngest was 18. After watching the instability and pain that separation and divorce caused the kids, we both agreed that at the very least we'd need to stay married and try to make things work until the kids were out of the house. We couldn't be selfish. It's not "just trying" it's "just doing it." It's making a committment and following through regardless of whatever selfish "feelings" came up. We would have to grow up, compromise, work on being a team, learn to give more, forgive more and be there for the kids... and be supportive and good friends to each other as well.
This doesn't mean I want to leave, or want my husband to leave, after the kids are grown. We both hope to eventually retire and grow old together. But we have a firm and unwavering agreement that we will stay together minimally until then. Hopefully, by that time, the growth, and friendship will be strong enough that we'll want to stay together for the rest of our lives.... And if not, at least we had a great family, good times, bad times, lots of memories.... I won't have any regrets.
Now, how long were you married? Any other marriages? Are the children all from the same marriage? How old are you and your wife?
I think with your son you need to be honest and share your thoughts. Talk about friendship, how people can love each other so much, but also make mistakes. Even adults make mistakes. But he's very important and you'd never want to do anything that would hurt him. Ask questions. Get him to talk and listen, listen, listen!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
So I got the guts up to ask her about things last night...
Started off by telling her I was lucky to have her. She responded with a "you think you're lucky???" I replied that I felt that I was. Gave some reasons and such. I forget how, but I asked her about why she decided to come back and the reason she gave was basically that she was tired of being alone and that it wasn't what it had cracked up to be. She was VERY uncomfortable and I even commented that she seemed uncomfortable with talking about this stuff. She replied that she was. So I let it go and let her go about her business. A little while later I stopped her in the bedroom and put my hands to her face, gave her a kiss, and told her that I loved her!!! DOH!!! Why did I do that??? She did not respond and things were awkward for the rest of the evening.
I want this so badly and want her to respond to my efforts but it's as if we are roommates right now and I don't like it. I am the only one initiating anything between us and I just wish she would show something towards me.
H: 33 (ME) WAW: 33 S: 10 D: 7 3/17/06 Wife left 10/4/06 D Final 9/30/07 XW states she wants to reconcile 10/7/07 XW starts process of moving back in
THBA, Why are you being so impatient? What are you struggling with?
We have to learn to work with our R's as they are, not as we want them to be right now. You're impatience is stalling the healing process.
The healing process moves from civility to friendship to intimacy. You can't will it to move quicker than it can. You can't will it to move at a faster pace.
Making mistakes is also part of the process. Recognize that you need to slow down, and appreciate what you have before you. The R has to be restored and reinvented before you can move into an intimacy phase. She has to see that you and the R will be different. She has to be different. This will take time. You're dating your W all over again.
Enjoy the adventure and get comfortable with the mystery. Striving for certainty will only make you nuts.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I tend to over think things and as you all pointed out have expectations. I want everything to be great and perfect and it is tough to just "Let it happen". But you all are right; it will happen on it's own accord and hopefully the end result will be great.
I will continue the original game plan of showing her the areas I have changed and be attentive to areas that still need improvement without expectations. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!
We have for the most part been civil with each other for about the past 6 months and the friendship part started creeping in about 2 months ago. These are two items that I believe have got us to where we are today. I agree that building this friendship will build the intimacy part. Boy is it tough having her sleeping next to me and not being able to ML to her!!! It's been a LONG time and I almost feel like one of the lions on Animal planet about to pounce on his prey!!! Gotta be a good boy right?!?! Not to get to carried away with this, but as far as this topic is concerned, do I let her initiate this or can I try to suduce her at some point? and at what point would that be? Just had to laugh at myself, do the rules of dating apply here? See, here I go thinking again....
Last edited by thba; 10/17/0711:41 AM.
H: 33 (ME) WAW: 33 S: 10 D: 7 3/17/06 Wife left 10/4/06 D Final 9/30/07 XW states she wants to reconcile 10/7/07 XW starts process of moving back in
