When my H first told me that he definately wasn't coming back he then went back to BILs (where he was staying at the time) and apparently had a major melt down. BIL told him at the time that if what he was doing was what he really wanted this was how it was going to be from now on. He should know he has been there with both of his wives (although fortunately he seems to be reformed character now and certainly doesn't condone Hs behaviour).
Unbeknown to any of us H had already met current OW by this time and when H talked to BIL about them moving in together, getting engaged etc (bearing in mind this was probably less than 6 months after he left me) BIL told him that he should be playing the field and not settling down. SIL told me that H said he had already been doing that and that OW was 'the one'.
So it does seem that some of them at least are on the look out for what they consider to be the right person. My H wrote our 3 kids a letter in April 06 telling them how much he loved OW and how she meant so much more to him than I ever had and that he hoped they would find that kind of love one day. In the same letter he also alluded to the fact that he had given them everything for the last 16yrs but now it was his turn (at the time my youngest D was 10!).
I'm not aware of any childhood issues for my H but he did take it very hard when his dad died of cancer literally one year after got M (8 days afer our 1st anniversary). He became a different man overnight and I do believe he has been struggling with this for the past 18 yrs. My MIL never shows any emotion over anything. When her H died she told everyone else that they weren't allowed to cry! Interestingly only today I had a convo with her sister about how MIL has always been like this and yet the other 3 sisters and a brother all knew how to stand up for themselves irrespective of whether it caused conflict or not. So as I see it H will think MIL is condoning his current behaviour b/c she doesn't have it in her to confront him and still continues to visit him and OW just as frequently as she did us. She did the exact same thing when BIL Dd his first wife.
My heart will always belong to my H and I will be prepared to work on our M until my last breath BUT I am under no illusion that H will ever come home. He does truely believe he has found his soul mate in this woman who is nearly half his age. I can't compete with that and to be honest I don't want to. I am better than that (it has taken me nearly 2yrs to be able to say that).
Just a few minutes ago I was having a convo with D17 who has been away for the weekend to visit her BF. I was telling her all that had gone on in her absence. At one point I told her that it looks like H will try to make out I am mentally unstable in order to get his D and she simply responded with if I had been there mum I would've told him that he is the one who is loopy not you!
This is a sad, sad illness but unlike most illness not one the LBS can help thier spouses through. Some thankfully recover and go on to discover a better M with their H/W. For others, like mine, it is a terminal illness only made harder on them and us b/c it doesn't actually kill them.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
MLC seems to me anyway.. no different than any mental health problem. If the person affected with it would recognize it.. well.. ? One huge step to getting out of the sitch I think.
No ammount of support was enough for H in the run up to the bomb, he needed constant praise, I guess he felt unloved, I guess he felt I just didn't care enough, even on my birthday he needed all the attention, I just couldn't keep up.
I feel the OP, although they probably don't offer more affection or attention than the LBS, it is a different type of attention, it is totally given attention, the OP is out to please and impress 100%.
What my H needed was a stepford wife, I didn't fit in, but I know someone who did and probably still does. the problem with me is that I have a life and a mind of my own.
As I see it the OP slots in as a piece of the jigsaw, but not into the piece of LBS, that piece is still a part of the jigsaw, the OP is slotted into the place where the piece representing the WAS used to sit, this piece fell out of the picture and got misplaced some time ago. It is not until the WAS begins to wake up that they realise the OP was not the correct piece, it didn't fit right. They discover that all along it was the one representing themselves that completed the picture so they start to look for this misplaced piece. When they eventually find the piece, the WAS can look at the picture in right light, and guess what the LBS was always in the picture, they just didn't notice during the FOG.
You nailed it for me. My H is so confused about himself right now and I am the one he blames. I just found out that he has signed up for an open-night mike at a comedy club. He is always out hunting and fishing. I found out he has been smoking weed! He drinks more than ever, too. He's in the throws of a MLC- I'm almost sure of it. He's still home but in another room. He doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm so confused right now and it really hurts to be rejected by your H. But he doesn't like himself right now either- he told me that. It's all VERY Confusing!!
If there is not an ow he may come thru this okay. I read where in midlife, men may struggle with the aging process. These may be distractions for him in coping with this time in his life.
Even with an OW they can come through okay...it just takes time...personally I would rather deal with an OW then drugs and alcohol...because those substances will always be there...but an OW might have a mind of her own at some point...thus, H can come to his senses and go home....
My H thought he wanted to be a stand up comic...he actually started going to Karaoke clubs and reading comic jokes trying to fuse his music with comedy...he really really thinks he is that funny...and he is funny but not like a stand up comic guy...
The rejection is hard...it plays a real number on your own self esteem...I know I still struggle with that...I still feel uncomfortable with H at times because of how I think he might view me...I just keep going...things are getting better...we have been at this for over 3 years...MLC is not a quick illness to recover from...unfortunately for us...
I only see or hear from H once or twice a week. He talks to her 2-3 times a day. They see each other everyday at work and believe they are seeing other at night 2-3 times a week.
They talk on the phone forever. If (very rare) we talk on the phone it is short and to the point.
Never any emotions from H. I believe he is spilling his beans with her.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
no, H dropped bomb Apr07, moved to camper outside week later, moved to town 1st of Aug
And if it wasn't for this board and a couple of people in my H's family. I really don't know how I would be getting through this.
It is all so very, very hard.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I'm so sorry. I wish I could help in some way. Please take care of yourself and come to the boards for some help from some very caring people. You will get through this. Believe me, we all know how hard it is. I am just 2 1/2 years past his meeting ow.
