Hi, I need your support, guys! My H and I are currently living together. He has been in an A for over a year. I found out the end of May. He has not ended contact with her. He has ended sexual relations with her, but still sees her, talks to her. Since then, I have faced my problems (sexual inhibition). I knew we had a problem but like many of us here, I just didn't know what to do. I felt like had a wall around me and could not break out. You can read more about this in my past posts.
Like I said we are still together. We have been doing very well together ... talking, being intimate, etc. We have talked about our problems to a great extent. I know he is very confused. The OW is putting quite a lot of pressure on him. I have not. Last week he wanted to know what I would do if he moved out. But we didn't talk about too much about it.
Well tonight he brought it up again. I was trying not to freak out. Even though I have not pressured him, my frame of mind has been that as long as he was here, I had the upper hand. On the other, it's been hard as hell living with her in our lives.
Tonight he mentioned several phone calls from her during the day ... she wanted to see him tonight. He told her no, that he was going home. He said it got ugly. So we talked a bit more, then he brought up the same question, "So what would you do if I moved out?"
My mind was reeling. I finally responded by saying, it depends on the circumstances on which you go. If you want to move out to clear your head, that's one thing ... but if you want to move out to live with her, that's another. He said he understood. I also said if he wanted to be with her, I may not be here if he changes his mind.
So, he is still thinking about it. I have been encouraging him to talk to a counselor. The one I am seeing really makes you think. Tonight I asked him to talk to this guy, he said he would. That was it. He had a long day and went to bed. We did hug and kiss before he went up.
I have read DB and have been applying some of the principles.
Well, we know what NOT to do, but its hard to DB. Its your only choice though, because no one wants to be around someone like our 'old' selves (begging pleading crying). The one boundary I have set if my H decides to move out is seeing other people. I told him it would be a MAJOR deal breaker. I think your husband knows this.
It seems he is getting pressure all around, from OW and from his guilt. And even though you aren't pursuing, he still probably feels pressure as well.
Wait it out, don't ask, just try to stay calm. SO hard, I know.
Thanks for the advice. I know it is the way to go. And it is so very hard. Things between us have been so good I just can't help but think a big part of his 'thinking about leaving' is because he is getting extreme pressure from her. But I also know he's in a pretty big fog.
Today, as far as leaving, I don't know. We have a spare bedroom that was serving as a junk room. He has wanted to use it as an office for awhile and I finally cleaned it out for him a couple of weeks ago. Today, he is setting things up in there. So I guess, for now, we continue on as is.
Me, I have a weight machine in another room also hampered by junk. My goal today is to clean up the room, dust off the dust, and begin using it!
I've been dealing with stress by picking up an old habit, smoking. My D is really disgusted with me. I'd like to quit and every time I feel the stress, just hit the weight machine to get it out. Sometimes I wish I had a punching bag!!
Thanks to the infidelity diet, I'm 10lbs lighter and all my jeans are baggy. It's hard to feel or look sexy in baggy jeans, I think the second item on my agenda this weekend is to go shopping. Another stress relieving technique!
Hey, My H is really confusing the H*ll out of me. After last night's chat about 'what would you do if I moved out', today he seemed 'normal.'
He left do errands about an hour ago, had to pick up some things for work. A few minutes he calls me, says I'm not going to believe this, but he got a call from OW. She is a horse groomer and got hurt by a horse today and thinks her shoulder is broken. He took her the hospital as she (so she says) had no one else to take her (which I doubt, she has friends).
He swears up and down he didn't mean to see her when she was out and says I can look at the receipts to check the time he made his purchase, and his phone to check the time he called. Huh?
I know he's seeing her, and talks to her. Why this sudden attempt at being transparent??? And beyond that, after last night, I'm just sitting here in total confusion. I don't get it.
Perhaps my little comment about moving out to get his head straight was one thing, but moving in with OW would be another, and don't count on me being here if he changed his mind, sunk in. I think he really does know what he'll be giving up, or will be in danger of losing, if he leaves (or is at least considering it).
Joie, Yes.. he's still confused/on the fence... whatever. My H does the same lame stuff acting "as if" he's being transparent. It actually makes me more angry because there are still the "lies of omission". I'm not stupid for goodness sake!
In all honesty, he probably really doesn't even want to move out. He has it too good with you!
I've found with my wife that one day she'll be hell bent on leaving and starting over, then the next she will be miserable and question everything she is doing.
I think a lot of it is guilt... It seems like it kicks in from time to time when they get really stressed.
LO, The lies of omission really pizz me off, too! I think they are so used to lying it just doesn't phase them anymore. And maybe they are just so caught up in the addiction, they're just doing whatever they need to do to 'get their fix.'
Brit, I've been thinking about your response alot. It could be guilt, but since it happened after he was getting a lot of crap from OW, I wonder just where the guilt was (with her or me)?
But I know for sure he was stressed out. He'd had a long day, lots of driving, and had to deal with her on the way home. He looked plain worn out when he got home (physically and mentally). I'm going to keep that in mind from now on before I go off the deep end.
And he's been acting like he never brought the 'moving out' subject up.
I think when things go bad with OP, reality kicks in and they realize how foolish they have been. Maybe it's part of the process of actually reentering the real world? We both know that when they're in the fog of OP, they probably couldn't care less if we live or die. But, when the fog lifts and they see the chaos and destruction that lays in their wake, maybe even for just a moment, they ask themselves "What have I done?". IMHO, that's part of the problem - When you come out of the fog, no one wants to be put on trial for what they've done. Sure, it has to happen one day, but as much as pressure and nagging doesn't bring them back, the fear of having to face what they've created can't be much better. I've learned never to ask my wife how, whys and wherefores of whatever has happened.
Hi, I had to post this ... some "good" news. To make a long story really short, my H has a major presentation to make to clients tonight. He had short notice and last night, he was still working on printing out 25 copies of an 8 page book (and every page had to be laminated and bound). I volunteered to help as I experience in that area. He was so grateful. (I ended up sending him to bed around 10 pm because he was done in. I stayed up until midnight finishing stuff by myself.)
But all through out the night (before he went to bed), OW kept calling. He warned me she had been drinking and he knew she was going to call (he had already talked to her twice before I got home). She does this on a pretty regular basis, gets drunks, calls him and b*tches, gripes, complains. She gets means when she drinks so I imagine she does everything that DB tells us not to do.
A couple times he was literally yelling at the top of his lungs at her. He was never done this with me! At one point he was so frustrated he told me what the conversation had been about. She was going on about her fingernails. She had not had time to put polish on them. She wanted to know if my nails were nice.
My first thought was "HUH?" Then I thought, OMG she is so jealous of me. I didn't show it, I acted 'as if' (but slightly sympathetic to his stress). But inside I was, am still am, wearing the grin of a cheshire cat. I am not a spiteful person, but to know I am causing her misery makes me happy. After all, look at all the misery she has caused me.
So score a few DB points for me -- and subtract quite a few for her. I know this isn't about "winning" but it sure made me feel good.
