What a good year this has been.....

[forever21]

Hi all.

Time to start a new thread. Last one.... I LOVE living alone

Things are good. I can't believe it is October already. This has been a good year for me so far, even with all of the pain and disappointments I've witnessed and lived. I am so thankful for these boards and the good people I have met on here. It's made a big difference for me, for sure. I don't know where I'd be, or how I might be feeling on a daily basis, if I hadn't stuck with the boards this time. Life is good, and it's only going to improve.

As far as my sitch goes....
I've been doing my daily Morning Pages (journaling) regularly, and much of the last few weeks of that has been spent trying to get clear and focused on what I want now. What I know...
I am not done. Not yet. But I'm feeling like I'll have to end this M. I still don't feel like I have done all that I can, but close. I am ready for change. I am not holding on to the M, or the H I had. I still believe in him, though I cannot rely on him. I know what I deserve in my life.

For the last few weeks I have been wondering whether I have it in me to pull the trigger. After telling H I am done 3 weeks ago, this is where my head has been. After all, I dropped that bomb on him. Wondering whether I should bother talking to him, or if that is just more talk and no action. Like my C said, there isn't anything I can tell H that he doesn't already know. I think I'm trying to see the forest for the trees.

He has tried to put his "hooks" back in me. That's just showed me what a difference there is in the dynamics of this R because of where I am at. He can't play me any longer. Where I would really like to be is on the same level with someone, as partners of the same team. But I think it takes two wanting the same thing.

Last week, 2 days after H called just to say hi and drop the ol' ILY yet again, I called him up and asked him to meet with me... and he quickly agreed. We were going to meet this Tuesday, but he said he had the flu. We are now going to meet today, after I followed through to make it happen. He admitted to me last night on the phone that he has "been putting it off". He said he's been really emotional, and was concerned that he wasn't up for it. Said that everything was making him want to cry, even just tv. (I realize what a big step this *could* be. I didn't sense any games going on with him. He seemed genuinely nervous. Maybe there is hope he will hit his rock bottom one of these days.) I let him know I understand that feeling, and I know it's tough. I told him the fact he was feeling so emotional said to me that he is alive and human though, and that is good. He responded to that by saying "how appropriate". I told him it was nice to see that change in him, and attempted to have him elaborate on his comment. He didn't seem comfortable sharing his feelings, it's just clear he is struggling some. From what all exactly, who knows.

I am sort of going with my gut, but I've been preparing for this for many days and I know I'll make it productive. Will be meeting him in a couple hours. As I said to H to calm his fear of meeting, all is not going to be resolved in one meeting. I will be a good listener and just talk openly. I'm sorry that this isn't what he wanted. I wish we both wanted the same thing. It's not doing either of us any favors to stay in this limbo.

Thanks for reading. I'll report back later. Love you guys!!

[Reincarnated]

F21--
I hope that all goes well for you. You sound very clear-headed...

[inspiredjulie]

Things are good. I can't believe it is October already.

I know!! I just LOVE the fall... The air just seems so full of promise and hope and freshness.

This has been a good year for me so far, even with all of the pain and disappointments I've witnessed and lived.

Well said. I'm sure this next year is going to be a GREAT year for you. You deserve that!

I am so thankful for these boards and the good people I have met on here. It's made a big difference for me, for sure. I don't know where I'd be, or how I might be feeling on a daily basis, if I hadn't stuck with the boards this time. Life is good, and it's only going to improve.

True dat! Ditto.

I'll report back later. Love you guys!!

Can't wait to see how wonderfully you did. You are such an amazing woman. Caring and compassionate. Empathetic and strong. Sweet and Ornery. Good stuff! Your life is going to be simply AMAZING! love YOU!

[NikB]

Hi f21, thanks for stopping by my thread.

Good for you for recognizing the hooks and staying detached, that's soo tough to do. And you are such a strong woman, and a source of inspiration and strength as well.

I'm glad you're working on getting out of limbo, even if it means some hard decisions.

[mkultra]

Wow, I hope I am in such a positive place in six more months! It has been one half of a year since my bomb and so far so good. I really cannot complain about the status quo of this week. Love your attitude!

[forever21]

Thanks for stopping by all!!!

Donna... Thank you. It was really nice to read your post before the talk with my H last Friday.

Jules... Thanks. I love the ornery part you included for me. Heheee. You da best. It'd be a stretch for me to say I "LOVE" fall here. Too much rain and gray, but I do enjoy those exceptional days. I bet it's wonderful in God's country. It's not an option for anything but great this next year. I'm making it fantabulous, as I do deserve it. Thanks again.

Nikki... Thank you so much. Sometimes I have to work to be strong. It's not always easy, but it's sure a LOT easier than it used to be. I try to keep empowering myself. I can't get everything right, or perfect, but I am doing my best. Yes, I have some tough decisions to make I'd say. You know a little bit about that yourself.

mkultra... Thanks. Nice for you to stop by. Remember... you can be wherever you want to be in six more months. I struggle sometimes to be or stay positive, but I'm determined.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, I will post my update separately as it will be too long here.

OHHH.... I ordered my KLA CDs earlier this week. Monday? Should be arriving soon. Hope some more of you will decide to join the group too. 2007 KLA, it's where it's at.

[forever21]

Okay...........

I have struggled a little these last several days... with keeping the right attitude and not letting my H get to me. It's been challenging and frustrating at times, but I'm doing good overall.

I feel like I drew a line in the sand and so he came around again. Is this genuine? It felt like it... but I know I can't trust it. How will I know he is serious? This is what's tough. I've come across to him in the past as too demanding if I ask for anything specific. Part of me says too bad, but the other part of me wonders if there's a solution I'm not coming up with.

Last Friday, he bagged out on getting together. He said he just couldn't do it, was too emotional. Well, we ended up talking on the phone for nearly 2 hours anyway. It went alright. It was super challenging at times, but he at least seemed to feel pretty good about it. My opinion on that is he probably felt some relief. I think he'd been really freaked out that I had completely closed the door on him, and was likely reassured that I do have feelings left for him. It was clear to me afterwards that there might be hope. He was saying he loves me and would like to be back together. Still little more than words though.

There's also drama that just seems to follow him. Surprise, surprise. I didn't totally keep my cool with all of it, but can't say I did bad at all either. I just felt sick and tired of feeling expected to be perfect no matter what is thrown at me. Then I started feeling like it is just too much, and that he is not worth the trouble. I'm questioning whether I want this man in my life, knowing I'm at a place where I could just say farewell. I'm not going to waste time talking about the drama, but it just didn't help the situation.

It's just gotten harder for me to have an open mind. I fear he just wants to stall me... keep me from D him, but not really get busy getting his act together and building a R. Is it my thinking that is preventing us from going anywhere with this? It can't be helping. I need to think more proactively again. The thought of 'acting as if' he *is* serious is very hard for me right now. I feel like I've been burned so many times doing that. Ugg.

I let him know I'd like to talk with him again some time this week, as I have some decisions to make. I made it clear that I didn't "need" him to but that it would make things easier for me. Sounds like he's maybe going to follow through with this, as this evening via text message he promised a drama-free convo. We'll see.

Friday evening he sent the following text to me....

Sorry if today didn't go so well in ur eyes. I know i still have a lot of issues with things. I am trying to get better. Sometimes i dont know what is wrong with me and my brain? Am i just insane? I cant figure out what is so wrong with me sometimes. I get so emotional and dont even know why? I wish i just knew why so i could fix myself and be happy.

After I'd taken a couple days to think about this, I responded saying..... that I wasn't ignoring this text of his, that I'd read it more than once, but wasn't sure how serious he was or if he really wanted my thoughts on his questions, and to let me know so I could be supportive. Well, he hasn't replied back. For now, I think it's safe to say he isn't ready to hear from me on it.

Hope you're all doing well. Peace and love.

[forever21]

Thought I'd share the following....

I've been thinking an awful lot about D lately. Really leaning that direction. I've yet to talk to an attorney, but I realize I've been focusing on that a lot as a solution. And it just may be the solution for me.

I'm still letting H's actions get to me too much. I'm finding it hard to just move on living my life while my M is in limbo. I'm hard on myself about this, as I know better. I know my focus needs to be on ME, not the M. It's all so much easier said than done. At the same time, limbo is not the answer in my sitch either.

So, I let H get to me again. But I feel better now. It was not a new situation. The same crap. I knew better, but I seemed to need to let H know that I know better in order to feel better. Needed to stand up for myself I guess. So, here's what happened and what I chose to do.....

Yesterday, he was supposed to call me and didn't. No surprise, but it still bothers me even though I'm prepared for it. Keep in mind that I'd told him (a week ago) I have a decision to make and that it'd make things easier on me if we did talk again this week, though I didn't "need" him to. I try to avoid being in the position of expecting a call from him, but I've yet to find a way to do that all the time. When he texted me the night before and said that he was going to call me the next day, maybe I should've said "let me call you." I've never came up with a good solution for this before. I don't ask for him to call me, he just puts it out there..... and many more times than not, he fails to follow through. I find myself irritated, ticked off, hurt, etc, that his talk is cheap. I know it's my job to teach him how I will be treated. At this point, I'm not finding any other way around this other than to D him. Okay, sorry for venting. Also, earlier this week, he'd promised a "drama free" convo. You'll see why I mention this. So....

Today, I texted him to ask if he was going to be in town this weekend. I didn't tell him why I was asking, but it was because there is insurance paperwork here that he needs to fill out and turn in. He came back crazy defensive, but I did good and remained cool. I told him I had paperwork here for him to pick up. He immediately called me and wanted to know what ppw I was talking about. LOL. After I told him, he said that he thought I had D papers for him. I told him "not yet." Told him we needed to set up a time for him to pick up that ppw, and he wanted to just call me tomorrow. No. That's not acceptable. I cannot wait for his call, needed to set up a time. Well, it wasn't looking like that would go anywhere so I said I had to go... had another call fortunately. I sent a text letting him know that it wasn't going to work to set up a time, and I'll drop the ppw by his bro's for him. I also told him to take good care of himself, and that he really does matter.(Straight from our own inspiredjulie.)

I was still feeling really bugged and hurting. I decided to text the following to him, along with the text he'd sent me earlier (I forwarded it back to him).... "I think its sad u try this crap all because u r struggling to do as u say. I'm extremely forgiving & understanding. I know ur more of a man than this. This doesn't fool me & i don't think it fools the man in the mirror either. Love u. Fwd: What? U dont even know so whatever. Yeah really drama free. Whatever"

I am pretty sure he was just feeling guilty for being out of town. See, on Thursday he texted me (totally unsolicited) with an explanation for why he was in this town where he'd been living with OW this last year... saying he didn't want me to jump to conclusions. I knew right away that he must've used his debit card there and needed to cover his @SS. I didn't respond for the longest time, till I came up with "That was thoughtful of you...." He'd came back with "Ur welcome...." He didn't get any drama from me then, nor did he when I didn't get a phone call like he promised... but that's what he seems to be trying for, so that he can divert.

Anywho... so, after he gets my last text (where I forwarded his back to him) he calls me. This time I don't answer. He left a voicemail trying to act clueless, and suggesting that *I* just see him as "shady". He acts like he doesn't understand where I'm coming from. A lame attempt, IMO, at trying to continue with the blaming. I do wonder if he believes his own lies even. It is so sad.

I felt so much better having sent that text to him. Life goes on.

[FLTC]

F21, MR HIGH SPEED!

Wow...I haven't seen you guys in some time. we all gfot here about the same time. Good to see some familiar names, even if it's here!

FLTC

[forever21]

Thanks, HS!! I really appreciate your support. Yeah, H was definitely being an @$$. He seems to be on more of a nice streak at the moment, since I managed to put the mirror up for him to look in last weekend. On the career front... I am still working on that. Car shopping now. Not the easiest when I don't have an income to make payments, but need a car in order to start working.

Hey FLTC. I'm glad it is good for you to see familiar names. Sometimes it's the simplest things that help, huh? So good to read your update and know you are doing alright and coming here for support. Take good care of you, and thank you so much for what you are doing.


Like I mentioned, I've been car shopping. Trying to decide what car I should buy. Image seems to make a difference in Real Estate. Looks like my best bet is a higher end car while not offending anyone with the choice in vehicle. Basically, the goal is to look successful and professional while not giving the impression you make too much money. Sounds easy. Ha. I'm lucky that I need new wheels anyway.

I am about to text my H in response to a text I got from him last night. He was saying that he's going to need to talk to me in the next couple days about financial stuff. This is a little unusual (as he just had a payday) and I'm not sure what he might have in mind. He ended with an ILY, and hoped all is good. I gave myself time to prepare, so I'm only now getting back to him. I'm looking forward to hearing what he has to say, and don't have any expectations. I am not going to offer any solutions either, just listen.

It's been a bit confusing with him again lately. I'm not sure what to think. I do know that I'm still on the fence myself as to whether I should let this man back into my life and give him yet another chance with me. He is still really good at telling me he loves me but not acting as if he wants to reconcile now... always putting it off, I think. It has managed to work on me though, in keeping me from filing for D. I really don't know what to do, as everything that comes to my mind seems like an ultimatum to me. Anywho, on with my life and not worrying about him.