My thread is locked but I need advice badly and quickly. In NC where we live, the OM can be taken to court by me and be sued for having relations with my wife. Here is the question. I'm thinking of calling him and telling him man to man what he is doing is wrong. I want to do it calmly and tell him if he backs off and does NOT going running to my wife telling her I called him, I won't pursue legal action against him but if he tells her I will get the best lawyer I can find. Here's my delemma. If he tells my wife I called she will be upset and will feel I pushed her further away. But if he is worried about being sued he may well back off. Can I trust he will be scared off enough or do you think he would tell her. And his own wife that he is divorcing DID sue his mistress when he had an affair on his own wife many years ago, so I don't think he'd want to go through that again. Opinions please because I want to call tonight while my wife and him are having arguments before they make up
They usually say to let it die off on its own, that you getting involved will make it worse. I would think of contacting him as a Plan B, something to do when you are ready for your W to pack up, leave, and file for divorce.
The fact that he realizes this can happen from personal experience tells me that he isn't too concerned about it, since he is doing it again.
Trust me, from my own situation, your best bet would be for your W to end it. OW ended it in my situation and H is actively calling her, trying to get her to answer the phone.
This is JUST my opinion though, I am no expert. I am sorry you are in so much pain.
Thanks for the advice lwb. But the difference with the OM this time, is he thought if my wife and I were legally separated that it would be ok. In his previously situation he was NOT separated from his own wife. BUT checking the laws in NC, he is wrong. I know he convinced my wife to make it a legal separation last month instead of her just moving into an apartment. What he may not realize is even with us being separated, it is illegal in NC and I could come after him for damages. So he IS CONCERNED, again that's why he pushed her (in mind at least, no facts) to get the legal paperwork, to protect him. I was banking on the fact it may scare him but again I'm torn what to do
OK, say you went ahead and took civil action against him. Let's look at some of the possible outcomes:
1. He ends the relationship with your wife, but wife wants to continue. She files for D and "waits it out."
2. He ends relationship with your wife, and wife reluctantly sulks back to you.
3. They say the relationship has ended, but instead they take it "underground"
4. He does not end the relationship, and you collect money from him. Oh, and your wife files for D because she wants it to continue, and once the money has changed hands, there's not much more you can do.
Of these scenarios, only #2 has the outcome that you want (I presume you want her to return to you and keep the family intact). But it's a hollow victory, because wife will still have feelings for him, and will not have any inclination to be drawn to you.
I agree with lwb. She has to end it. No court in the world can tear a person away from their (new) "soul mate."
This doesn't mean that you shouldn't take action. The choice is yours. Just be prepared to end up pushing your wife into his arms.
Thank you everyone. I want to make sure I am clear. The ONLY THING I WANT OUT OF THIS IS MY WIFE. I do NOT want to sue anyone. The only reason I even thought about this is to get HIM to break it off with her. I'm just trying to push him away, I would NEVER really try to sue him. Just want to plant it in his head. She's already felt hurt and pizzed off about some of his comments towards her and she says she sometimes feels she shouldn't bother with him. I thought because they were starting to have disagreements that it would be an oppourtune time to throw a monkey wrench in his plans. I LOVE MY WIFE AND WANT HER BACK and I thought this may be a way. But I'm glad everyone is telling me what to watch out for because I'm clouded by emotion.
GISH I am so sorry. This is so hard. Yes, you are clouded by emotion but once that dust settles, you still want your wife back and love her very much. Hopefully she'll come to her senses and leave him before you have to decide to do anything. My heart goes out to you. I hate the helpless feeling, I prefer control.
The OM is doing your work for you with your W. Already there are problems and that is in the 'honeymoon' stage of thr R. I say again that you need to work on you. R with OM will not last but whether or not your W comes back to you depends on your behaviour. Make her miss you. Show what a 'rock' you are compared to OM. Do not let your W walk all over you and your feelings otherwise she may do this to you again in the future.
Surely you can see by now that what I have been saying about OM is happening. I know you want it all to stop NOW and go back to how it was but obviously there was a problem with how it was before or this would never have happened.
Make it so that when your wife ends it with OM she will want to come back to you. Be there, be supportive etc. but make sure she appreciates what you have to offer. Do not be there all the time. Make her ask for what she needs - say no sometimes if you want.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thanks Saffie. I apologize for asking a stupid question, are you saying I should NOT go ahead with my plan to talk to him then? I thought it would make help chase him away.
I wouldn't go ahead with this plan. I would use it, like someone said above, when you are ready to end the marriage. All I can see coming out of you taking OM to court is your W feeling like she is forced to break this off......do you really want her to come back to you because she feels like she 'has to'? I guarantee it won't make her love you any more....it will probably do the opposite.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
