Update: All is quiet on the western front. Have not received call from atty or W nor have any more emails been sent. I still cannot wrap my mind around this sitch. W states she wants D. We sign papers. I tell her 2 times to file if she has her mind set on D. Then.....nothing, no papers filed. We txt every now and then. She let's me know her job interview went well. We have face 2 face visit, we laugh and have a nice conversation. She tells me I look "fine." MIL states that W told her that she doubts she could find anyone who loved her as much as I did. But yet, here I am separated. Don't get me wrong I am encouraged about what has and hasn't happened. I just need more patience, but its tough. I want to call but realize that a call at this time will not help me inch closer to my ultimate goal. (sigh)!
I have been separated over a year at this point, with 10 months being on active duty and the last 3 in Iraq. It has given me some time to really reflect on stuff. It's only when we can let go of the fear of a D. can we we then deal with whatever happens. When I first came on thios board in Ocotber of 2006, I had been separated for a month, and got some great advice from runningoutoftime, who eventually reconciled with her H. She was on the verge of suicide when he first moved out, but pulled herself together, and finally came to the realization that she would be alright, either way. Her advice was "take care of you" and DETACH. Treat your spouse as a good friend, which you've done, but move on in your own mind. This doesn't mean you close the dorr,it just menas that you set yourself up to accept it either way. It took me over a year and a trip to Iraq (at my own hand) to get remotely close to that point. I believe I may be nearer to it with each day. I know it's tough on you, because you're near it every day. I work with a woman who was separated from her husband for two years. she filed for divorce, but in the end, she said, she could not "pull the trigger". She had a rveleation about marriage, and thought what a good example it would be for her kids to see her work it out. I wish they all ended that way, but you know what? Some do...Hnag in there my friend, Lose the fear, and continue to do the good work of working on you. It's harder said than done.
I really appreciate your insight. U a marine? I was a sailor in the Gator Navy back in the day (92 - 95). My fear is lessening each day, but sometimes I have relapses, but those are less frequent. I want my W back but I have realized that I do not need her. That in and of itself is huge for me. I made the choice to not let this totally devestate me like it had done when we separated the first time. I definitely believe W is not resolute in her proclamation that she wanted to end the marriage. I just have to decide what or what not to do in order for her to abandon any ideas of D. I am going to lay off the txt'ing for awhile. I am beginning to think that it is starting to get stale. The problem there is I want to wish her well on starting her new job on monday (DB coach Laurie encourages this) but I also want to go dark for awhile. Perhaps a brief txt msg will do. As always I appreciate anyone who takes the time to post a comment. Thanks once again FLTC.
So Dazed I suspect she's now thinking and starting to notice the grass isn't greener, only notice or wonder if she's noticing.
It sounds like your interactions actually have been positive. I suspect they have given her a chance to look at you without all the pain and hurt. If that is the case it's a good thing. But it's extremely important for you right now to have the patience of Job. Now more than ever it's important for you to have a positive attitude, outlook, demeanor etc in every interaction with her or anyone she associates with. This gives here a chance to see the wonderful guy she married and deep in her heart wants in her life.
So keep up the good work!
BTW, I haven't heard from my wife in two days and honestly it's killing me. We are in a similar position as you but without the divorce papers. Working at being friends again and we both have just finished reading The 5 Love Languages. But we are also trying to iron out a separation agreement too. (Don't ask) So I am trying extra hard to make sure every interaction is extremely positive and helps plant the seeds again.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Army. 26 years. I think you were here last yer, no? I'm just about in the same place as you. Any kids? I have three which kills me. We both have to brace for the wall of cold water. If you act "as if" it's coming, it becomes a lot easier...until it really does, I guess. It's more the family than my W. at this point. I'm furious for what she's doing to our family.
I guess you try to be the best human being you can to your W. and always take the high road, even though the altitude can kill you. Continue to be a friend, sporadically, not as a stalker, as most of us first were when the bomb was dropped. I still make mistakes sometimes. Being a needy lap dog is unattractive. Work on you as best you can. That's all we have. Prep for the worst, hope for the best. That's really all we can hold on to, and were better acting as if it's going to happen.
I guess I am being a little impatient. Our interactions have indeed been positive. I know you will agree that the 'not knowing' is the toughest part. I have come this far and will not allow myself to sabotage it. Actually I am more confident than I have been in awhile. That concerns me as I like to be on an even keel so if I fall, it won't be 2 far down. The fact that she hasn't replied to the email nor called to have the "talk" gives me hope. You are dead on about maintaining the positive attitude around her or antone she associates with, I have been doing it and it has worked so far. Her family starts to loosen up when they see that I am not down and out (except for the bro-in-law and his (expletive) emails and I have even forgiven him for that transgression. I just have to concentrate on what has not happened (filing for D) and be thankful. FLTC, you reply is coming a little later, I have an apointment to keep. Thanks for y'all's input, it is appreciated.
FLTC, I havent been in the service for 12 years now. We don't have any kids. I just hate not knowing what is going through her head. I feel as if I should go out and find a woman who would treat me well. At this point I am not ready to do that though although the idea is becoming more attractive. I am very nice to W, sometimes I think I am too nice. I am instituting NC for awhile. Will she call, who knows? I am preparing myself for the worst but as you said and hoping for the best. We haven't had any arguments in quite a while and that is a positive. Oh well, back to waiting her out....
Update: War's over. She wants to file. She sent word to my work email. I called her and told her that I wanted to get all of my things prior filing to avoid any awkwardness. That's it, I'm done.
FLTC, I appreciate it. Guess the worst is over. I am moving on and once I get my things from her house, she will be but an unfortunate memory. I will not let this defeat me. As the song goes, "the future's so bright, I gotta wear shades." Thanks for everyone's support I will keep posting updates if for nothing more than to have a journal of this period of my life. The visit to the MIL will be interesting, may put that off. I think I am gonna take a road trip this weekend to clear my head. I believe next weekend will be good for a road trip to the 'Bama / LSU game in Tuscaloosa. Come to think of it, every weekend looks good for a road trip. To be continued....
