Mixed signals - question from the separated forum

[catfan]

So for the last 11 months we've been separated. I've been an active member of the Separated - Now What forum. In the span of 11 months we've gone from her covertly seeking a quick divorce to just wanting to be good parents together to hope we can be friends again to open to reconciliation. It took a good 8 months for that progression to happen.

Well over the summer it's been up and down and now we both seem to be on the same page and want to really work on being friends again then see where it leads from there. Me I hope a lot further, her she can't yet see that far in advance.

So I'd love to hear ideas and advice about being friends again. My initial thoughts are select time together just us at times and other times all of the family. Start with just enjoying a little time together and let that grow.

Thoughts?

[Concerned_Listener]

Catfan,
Are you living together or separately? I would get a copy of the book, "It's Mostly His Fault" by Robert Alter. It's a book for men on how to improve connection in the marriage. You can use it to assess your strengths and weaknesses as a H, and start practicing skills that will help you to reconnect with your W.

What are your strengths and weaknesses as a H? What do you need to better this time around?

I'm working on listening, conversational skills, giving her power over minor issues, and working to reconnect when there has been conflict.

CL

[cat03]

hey there, for one, I would take each event at face value and don't read too much into things, that' way your W will feel free to be more spontaneous without wondering if you got "the wrong idea" (since she is still ambivalent about the M)

You have good ideas, to mix time along and with family so she won't feel pursued. Crossing my fingers for you))))))))))

[runningoutoftime]

Congratulations Catfan! What a great first step. I like that you are seeking to reconnect as friends and taking things slowly. Another helpful book for this is "Getting Back Together".... can't think of the author at this moment. But it's positive look at separation and how to work towards getting back together.

[catfan]

Yeah I have that book, bought it back last fall along with a bunch of other books. It was a key for me working on myself especially finding what my core values are and what I won't compromise. I recommend it to people just for the chapters on determining personal values.

Another recommendation to us has been The Five Love Languages. Interestingly we have the 5 love languages of children book. She's interested in the book and some of the exercises in it. So I bought it today and will be reading it the next few days.

Now the twist to all of this, she's pressing for a separation agreement which flies in the face of everything. But I do see value in it so I am going along with it. Once we have that finished up she wants to start counseling to help us with being friends again. It was originally my recommendation but she's latched onto it. Our goal of course is to use it to help us become friends again. We both realize there is a lot of value in having someone help us through the more difficult subjects and have someone direct and assist us.

[Dom R]

Now the twist to all of this, she's pressing for a separation agreement which flies in the face of everything. But I do see value in it so I am going along with it. Once we have that finished up she wants to start counseling to help us with being friends again.

buncha ****, catfan.. you should know this by now.

insist on counselling FIRST. (and make sure you find a good one. get recommendations for one, before offering)
The reason being, that an experienced counsellor, should be the most qualified person to suggest whether a separation is best for you at this point .

It was originally my recommendation but she's latched onto it.

translation: She recognizes it's the best carrot to dangle in front of you, to get you to sign on the dotted line.

C'mon man... you recognize that she has reverted to earlier behaviour by asking for this.

If she insists on "no, want separation agreement before counselling", then you know that she is being insincere about the counselling anyway.

You might even push for a retrouville weekend as the specific condition for the separation agreement.

In the context of "helping better communication between you both, whether or not you end up separate". Which, is completely honest. That is one of its explicit purposes.

if she's really open about this stuff, then ONE lousy weekend, should be no problem for her.

[TreadingWater]

Regarding ideas on how to be friends...

A couple of things that worked well for me at the "let's be friends stage":

1. I made a point of only initiating getting together about every other time. So, I'd invite H to do something; but then would wait for him to suggest something before I invited again.

2. I made lots of open-ended invitations that didn't require much/any commitment on his part. This may have been specific to my sitch, but I think it was important that I not be controlling or pressuring. So, I'd say things like: "I'm making xyz for dinner tonight; come by, if you want."

Good luck!
-Julie

[runningoutoftime]

Is that a "legal" separation agreement through a lawyer? Are there financial or other reasons she might be desiring to do this? Be careful and make sure you are consulting with your own personal lawyer about why that may or may not be a good idea for you. Physical separation should be enough unless a divorce is inevitable.

By the way, TW's suggestions are very good.

[catfan]

Well it's been a bit over 2 months since I started this thread. A lot has happened in 2 months! We are now having regular weekly lunches, could we say lunch dates? Lunch is "her" thing and I let her drive it. We have also for a good while been having family dinner together on Sunday nights. This started because Sunday evening is our time to "hand off" the kids. She'll usually cook dinner and lately she's been cooking some great dinners. (Yes I make sure I tell her that too.)

Also in October we both read "The 5 Love Languages" and lightly discussed it. Since then we both have slowly been making progress at speaking the other's love languages. I think this is a real key because ultimately the fact she didn't feel loved was central in her walking away from our marriage.

She's looking into counselors for us to see as well. The counselor that our girls see gave me a list of recommended counselors back in the summer. I told my wife and she's taken that list. I have no idea where she is in checking the list and when she's ready I figure she'll bring it up.

Other happenings include her now joining the girls, me and my parents for Christmas. We are also now going as a family to a Christmas banquet with our best couple friends.

So yes the being friends approach has yielded very positive results to date. But I am a little nervous about us making the next steps, well really her and if she can make the next steps. But she has openly said she wants to do this to see if we can get somewhere more positive. She hasn't said reconcile yet but that's what she's thinking.

Now here's my challenge, not to get overly anxious, excited or anything that will come across as pushing. I've stumbled a few times and we've talked about it. Luckily she's a little understanding. But dang it's hard not to feel like if we are going to do this lets get to it! On the flip side its hard not to feel a bit anxious because she still isn't openly sharing her feelings, keeping those close to the vest.

[runningoutoftime]

Just keep going slow and keep it comfortable. A good friendship takes time to build (or rebuild). And don't worry about the next steps and if she can make it. If she can't it's not meant to happen. She should only make those steps when she's fully ready to. Try to be patient and think in terms of baby steps. Try to enjoy just being friends, learning to not have expectations and just appreciating small things.

You are doing great. Keep working on you....