One of my H's many excuses for leaving was that he was living my life, not his...he wanted more time to play golf, poker and whatever else he wanted to do. But then he complained that I spent too much time doing kid related stuff...wouldn't that give him time to do whatever he wanted to do?
This is what WAS's do to justify their behavior. I guess they can't accept personal responsibility because then they would lose all of their excuses to act they way they do.
Maybe part of the problem is that our spouses were passive and are now realizing that they wasted a lot of time in that mode. So they think they need to make a dramatic change, when what they really needed was to be more active in their lives in general.
I mean, hell, H complained about everything before he moved out. Nothing was quite good enough for the king.
And in a weird way, at least he DID something by leaving instead of complaining constantly about how terrible life was to him. Now when things go bad, it can't be my fault any more.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
All of this resonates - my h told his mother that we separated by mutual consent. My eldest son put her right on that one, at which point she became totally furious at h and has remained extremely angry with him.
Apparently it is my responsibility that my h doens't have an r with his kids! [Because I took his leaving so badly!]
But when you think about it the whole MLC script is a denial of respnsibility 'We got married too young' And???
'I never should have married you' Who made you and why did you stay so long?
'I was never in love with you' So why did you keep saying so . . .
None of this is their fault; they take no resopnsiblity for their failure.
I am not saying our marriages were perfect, but marriage requires two committed people working at it, not one working their butt off. Frnakly I am amazed at how many of you are still wondering 'What could I have done' in the face of the clear insanity that our WAS displayed and continue to display. That some [many?] of them do wake up and acknowledge their folly and madness is an indication that it really is all about them.
At the risk of sounding very arrogant, I am worth ten of my h at present, and he was very lucky to have been married to me. That he threw that away is his loss!
I lost a wonderful husband and the kids a wonderful father - one person. He has lost 4 people. And really has no-one except an unstable, self centred and rather stupid woman and her very probelmatic kids [truly this is not me being horrible: they have real problems]. It seems a pathetic exchange to any sane person.
And finally - yes I think a lot of this is about sexual anxiety, a deep seated sense of inadequacy, and a failure of confidence.
I see you posting and supporting so many others. I hope you have a great day. Church will bring you peace and support. The weather here on the east coast is a lovely, cool 55 degrees. Yesterday was sunny and nice and today brings more of the same.
My teens are well and I am spending time with them both this weekend. My S is still being a little stubborn, but prayer has brought us this far. It will also bring us through it. We are having lunch with my parents and sister today.
I have fried chicken and made green beans this morning. Mom is making a ham and casseroles. We ate some of her wonderful chili yesterday. I am planning taco soup for us on Monday. Soul food....in limited quantities. I am gaining weight and I don't want that. lol
Hi Mickey - I thought it was an hour later than it is! I envy you having parents - my mother died almost three years ago [actually I think one of the things that pushes my h 'over the edge' as she was a great force for good in our lives].
My sister also died, so I have just one brother, quite a lot older than me. It is strange, his first marriage [his wife died] was not very happy, but he stuck with it. She was difficult, and jealous. I am sure he wasn't perfect, but even her family thought she gave him a hard time. Anyway he remarried, and is now very happy! I admire him for sticking with his marriage, and trying to make his first wife as happy as she could be. It dosn't make him very tolerant towards my h though!!
Have a great day with your family - I am not nastily envious!!
In my H's case, it's not so much that he blames everybody else, although I do get blamed for some things, it's more about him excusing his own behavior. So, now as I'm typing this, maybe that is about blaming others.
My H doesn't like his behavior, but is so driven by emotion that it's like he doesn't know how to stop.
BTW, I also got the, "we were married too young" crap. I find that to be a common theme on these boards. Like they've been in jail for so long, now they need to break free.
As for the morals, I thought had strong morals... I really did. But I think that when one grows up without the proper guidance and role models, morals go out the window when things feel too icky. So, my H used to say that we'd never get D or he'd never cheat. But when faced with the situation, he didn't have the skills or emotional know-how to deal with it. So he went with it and blamed it on the M having been dead for years.
IMO, much of this MLC stuff is due to lack of parential guidance, boundaries and emotional support growing up.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
I am sorry to hear about so much loss for you. Your love for others is evident, even through so much loss. We have been so fortunate; but my brother and I also realize that our parents are aging. My S's accident has brought us all closer.
My sister lives with my parents. She is handicapped with cerebral palsy and uncontrolled seizures. My mother has a 'nasty' critical streak, but has a heart of gold. puzzling. Visiting can sometimes be a battle but I go in with good intentions regardless. My dad is fun and supportive and loving. He understands her and why she is the way she is. Low self esteem from a difficult family life growing up. She tends to gossip and is critical of others. She gets frustrated and nasty with me when I don't listen or participate with her.
PS I totally agree that most of those in MLC had very inadequate early parenting - either emotional or physical abuse or both.
And yes, they are hurting. Again, I think your h is actually further along than many of those here, in that he doesn't totally blame everyone else: although self excusing is also a failure to take responsiblity. It is like a sort of progression.
1. Other people are responsible for this mess {and in my h's case, wasn't I a wonderful person for putting up with for as long as I did - he actually wants praise for staying with us, when he was as happy as larry for years!!]
2. I made this mess, but there were good reasons for it
If and when they fully wake up, they realise that they did it all by themselves, and insofar as the LBS contributed it was still the WAS resonsbility to try and work things out, as the LBS asked.
Angelica, I do agree with your idea of a progression. I think they do move - VERY slowly - towards taking responsibility, in many cases anyway.
My xh did so partially after the first few anger riddled months and I do think DBing (he refused to leave our home even though he was having an affair) helped him get to that point. I left after our "reconciliation" failed as he still had a wandering eye and wasn't committed. Since then, we have had only superficial contact although since we moved to e mail rather than texts and phone calls, there has been a bit more honesty. Most of my communication with him over the last year has centred around his younger son, with whom I have a great relationship, and my daughter who has serious mental health issues.
A few weeks ago, he wrote this: "I was just trying to say how much I do appreciate your help and how much I appreciate us still being great friends despite all the sh!t I put you through."
Still seems strange to me to describe it as a great friendship. Despite always keeping in touch, he has avoided seeing me face to face, so I haven't seen him for 3 years and haven't spoken to him for over a year - my choice. Ah well.
I do think he may be out of the tunnel or maybe more overtly depressed but at a level which allows him to function ok. He has been rather unhappy for most of his adult life, except for our first few years together, so it's a state he is used to living in.
It's a glorious autumn (Fall!) day here in the UK, happy days to everyone.
Jaybeexx
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
Jaybee - it is odd how differently they go through this. I would say that my h is just about where he was, emotionally, two years ago. He made some progress in 2006, and spent most of 2007 going backwards, further and further into the tunnel again, until he is about where he started. Getting angry and blaming everyone but himself again. Telling all the same tired lies about our relationship. In fact the lies are more pronounced and odder . . . does anyone else have a MLCer who is getting worse and worse. Do their brains eventually explode?
I mean in SPring 2006 he thanked me for being so kind and patient with him, and in December 2006 he told me he realised he had made a huge mistake with OW, and I was absolutely right about her!! Now I am the embodiment of all that is wrong in the world [OK slight exaggeration, but not much] and he is the victim of everyone's wilful misunderstanding of him. OW is the right woman for him etc etc
My suspicion is that life isn't actually as good as he thought it was going to be, and he has to blame someone.
Wearing, but nothing like as hurtful as it was. This MLC toughens you up!
