I've been more acquainted with patience in these past 3 weeks than I was in the last couple years. hehe.
It's so insanely hard not to call her just to talk about something.We used to talk everyday, and I'd share random thoughts or stories with her. Hard to fill that space.
I, alas, do not see things going in the right direction. Which is what makes this DB'ing so hard. She wants to split up the stuff and is looking into papers. I'm still DB'ing, GALing with some 180 there, and also trying to "act as if" when around her.
There are some other things about our interaction that I've been thinking about that I'll post in a little bit, just because I'm like that. Minnesota-post-alots.
OK. So, here's generally how things are in terms of us, and some concerns about covering my @$$, too:
1. With the exception of one phone call that was a follow-up to hers, and a question of clarification on a phrase she used, I have not contacted her, nor in any way initiated any conversation about our divorce since she walked out.
2. This includes any discussion of splitting up stuff, what belongs to whom, her plans for moving forward, anything.
I have begun to question this stance, in part. Because I wonder if I'm giving her the impression that I'm going to let her do whatever she wants in this, even if it ends up being unfair to me.
Example: When we discussed who gets what on Monday, she said that she wanted all the dining room furniture. The dining table and a side-table are things her family's had since she was four, so I'm OK with those (esp. since i have my old table in storage). There is a wine-rack that was a birthday gift to her. OK.
Then there are two other small tables, which were wedding presents, but from "her side of the family" - which she feels makes her entitled to them, even though they were gifts to both of us.
As for the living room - she wants the TV and TV stand (paid for by her less than 1 year after we were dating), one couch, and the endtables.
She's said that the DVD shelves and one of the couches are mine. I'm NOT going to let her take the end-tables, since she's taking the whole damn dining room.
What it comes down to is this: she wants us to each make a list of the stuff we want or feel is ours. We will each go over the other's list, and if there are any contested items, we will talk it over.
I find this a little concerning for two reasons: 1) She is, in some ways, very wrapped up in the material aspects of this whole thing.
2) She seems to feel that she's entitled to more stuff than I am. Granted, some of the thigns are hers which came before the marriage and things that I don't really care too much about. But there are other aspects which I'm less comfortable with.
EX:
We bought a $250 sound-system for the wedding, so we wouldn't have to hire a DJ. It's a 5.1 system that's insanely good for how little we paid.
Anyway, when I said I wanted that, and proposed that she take the iPod in exchange, she said: "What about the iPod and the digital camera?"
...a $250 digital camera and a 4-GB iPod Nano. In exchange for the surround sound system? NFW.
My friend/roommate has said it best: "Issues about money bring out the worst in her."
What actually effing SCARES me is that it seems that W has taken some divorce advice from her mom. Who, even the kindest, least judmental person I know refers to as "freakin' crazy". She cleaned out W's dad when the two of them got divorced. W complained about the treatment that her dad received - and now she's taking some advice from the psycho who inflicted that gouging?
Yeah - that scares the living hell out of me, if W is listening to her mom on those points. My W is a wonderful, sweet woman - but I'm not sure what her insecurity about money will bring out when it comes to stuff.
OK. So I think I'm going to switch therapists. I don't like the vibe/message the guy i've been seeing is giving. It's not that there isn't some truth in what the guy says, it's the way and the judgment he has in how he says them.
He's dropped the following:
"She sounds very immature"
"[it sounds like] she just wants to be single, living with friends and hanging out"
"I think your marriage is over, and that might be a good thing"
"With no kids, no house, it's like a Get out of Jail Free Card"
He seems to have a rather unfavorable view of my wife (granted, I've had some negative thoughts about her in all of this, and questioned her motives), and that I'm good to be shut of her. Or at least, that this ending is probably a good thing/healthy thing because I'm so young, I can still make a life of it.
("you should pour all your energies into moving forward and getting into the grad program you want and rebuidling your life").
He also thinks that there's a "hidden reason" about why she's leaving (read my post a few pages back about the conversation I had with her on 10/1/07, where she said that her willingness to work on the relationship broke because she wasn't sure she could have faith that I could seriously make my changes happen).
I think I would switch also. It's not over until you think it is over. Stay the course and do what you think is right. Everyone is telling me to move on but I'm not giving up on my marriage.
Take care, I'm off to get ready to meet my wife for the first time in two months.
Me 27 W 26 M 4.5 years Together 7.5 years No Kids Seperated 8/14/07 D bomb 8/30/07
The guy's basic attitude was, "forget about this woman and get on with your life", presented in a fashion that was pitched with a negative viewpoint towards her.
Not that W's perfect or anything like that, this fellow just doesn't seem entirely professional.
He doesn't sound like he is very solution-based. It's more like kick the problems under the rug, sounds to me. Do you live in the city? If so, try to find a Solutions-based therapist (C's that Michelle recommends).
I'm wondering how to find a solution-based therapist. Googling turned up chaos the time I tried it. Maybe I should have another go.
The PMA's... OK.
It could be better, but it could be worse. I've been trying to keep myself motivated by doing "stuff". Even if it's just keeping the apartment tidy and the laundry basket from overflowing and spawning a new form of life.
1. With the exception of one phone call that was a follow-up to hers, and a question of clarification on a phrase she used, I have not contacted her, nor in any way initiated any conversation about our divorce since she walked out.
Excellent! Good for you.
Originally Posted By: MinnesotaMan
I have begun to question this stance, in part. Because I wonder if I'm giving her the impression that I'm going to let her do whatever she wants in this, even if it ends up being unfair to me.
I don't think you need to worry too much about this. If you think she's being unfair, you can stand up for yourself, calmly and kindly. Does it really matter what impression she has before that?
Originally Posted By: MinnesotaMan
Then there are two other small tables, which were wedding presents, but from "her side of the family" - which she feels makes her entitled to them, even though they were gifts to both of us.
How badly do you want the tables?
Originally Posted By: MinnesotaMan
She's said that the DVD shelves and one of the couches are mine. I'm NOT going to let her take the end-tables, since she's taking the whole damn dining room.
Because you need or want them or because she wants everything else?
Originally Posted By: MinnesotaMan
What it comes down to is this: she wants us to each make a list of the stuff we want or feel is ours. We will each go over the other's list, and if there are any contested items, we will talk it over.
This sounds like a reasonable approach to me.
Originally Posted By: MinnesotaMan
I find this a little concerning for two reasons: 1) She is, in some ways, very wrapped up in the material aspects of this whole thing.
You can't do anything about this, and it doesn't mean she'll get everything she wants. What are you worried about here?
Originally Posted By: MinnesotaMan
2) She seems to feel that she's entitled to more stuff than I am. Granted, some of the thigns are hers which came before the marriage and things that I don't really care too much about. But there are other aspects which I'm less comfortable with.
First, figure out why you're uncomfortable: because you need these things for financial reasons? want them for sentimental reasons? want W not to have them because she's leaving you? or something else?
Then tell her what you want. See what happens. You can't control her responses, but it sounds right now like this is eating you up in pure anticipation. Not good.
Originally Posted By: MinnesotaMan
Anyway, when I said I wanted that, and proposed that she take the iPod in exchange, she said: "What about the iPod and the digital camera?"
...a $250 digital camera and a 4-GB iPod Nano. In exchange for the surround sound system? NFW.
You have a few options. "Okay." (Probably out re your NFW.) "Actually those will cost twice as much to replace as the system. How about the iPOD or the camera?" And certainly others.
Originally Posted By: MinnesotaMan
What actually effing SCARES me is that it seems that W has taken some divorce advice from her mom. Who, even the kindest, least judmental person I know refers to as "freakin' crazy". She cleaned out W's dad when the two of them got divorced. W complained about the treatment that her dad received - and now she's taking some advice from the psycho who inflicted that gouging?
It sounds like you're reacting out of a lot of emotion, and fear is no place to act from. It makes you guarded, you give off a strong smell o' fear, and you'll expect the worst from her, which she'll sense and probably get defensive about. Get a handle on it before you and she talk about this stuff.
Here's a question for you, and I'm not trying to be facetious: How much can she really take you to the cleaners? I understand the car thing is an issue, but if we're talking about end tables and small appliances, it sounds like these things can be replaced fairly cheaply.
I don't think you should lay down and let her walk all over you, but it would be a good idea to figure out what you're reacting to so strongly, what this fear is (that she'll take your iPod or break your heart? for example). When you've done that, you'll be able to stand up for yourself in good conscience, without overreacting or doing something you'll regret.
Here's one question for you: I know you say W is anxious to get the ball rolling and take care of this stuff. It's so very soon, of course. Have you thought of saying something like, "This is all happening really fast, and I'd like a little more time to transition before we get down to dividing stuff up. Is that okay with you?" Forgive me if you've already said something about this.
If she senses that you're not trying to stop her, she may be willing to accommodate you.
I'm about nine weeks into this, and now I'm ready to talk brass tacks. I wasn't at three weeks, though, and I would've been very unhappy to be steamrolled into it then.
i'll respond to them in a bit, but ...oh hell. for some reason the combination of "scrubs" (which was on just now), a scene on it, and one of our cats coming to me for affection just set me crying. damn it.
