I posted this under Newcomers ("my wife wants out!!") but wanted to get responses from other forums. Sorry for the double post.
A common theme on the board seems to be a W or H that finds it easier to go outside the M and find someone else. If my W put just 1/10th of the positive emotional energy into or M that she is putting into OM, who knows what may have been possible. We are left wondering as to why our W or H didn't, or wouldn't, talk to us about their unhappiness and allowed themselves to keep it in to a point it becomes resentment.
I look back on my sitch and don't remember my W offering to help or just come to me in a positive way to express how much our M and family meant to her. Instead she just gets more and more angry and resentful then decides to drop the bomb when there is someone else showing interest in her. When I asked my W why she didn't talk to me she said, "because I don't like conflict". WHAT!!! She would rather cash in her chips and convince herself that our M is not worth the effort and find OM to replace me!!
We take all the blame for the failure of the M and THEY break up the family with the thought that our kids will "adjust". I have to endure the pain of seeing my D5 cry every time I drop her off after spending ONE DAY with her. Both my kids want to know when we are moving back in together? I only can do that one day because I am working in order to maintain the expenses and give my W money for my kids.
I just want to understand why so many spouses go outside the M for comfort when they don't feel the M is working?? Then they never take responsibility for the lack of effort. Outside of an abusive R, every effort should be made to bring your M into a better place. If you give it your all, and it still isn't working, at least you can move on with a clear conscience.
Last edited by markyb; 09/27/0701:52 PM.
Me: 41 W: 40 D5, S4 Bomb Dropped: 7/8/2007 Status: W has moved out with kids 8/25/2007
Speaking for myself, my H felt like he did give his "all". The fact that like your W he didn't address his anger/resentment and put his "cards on the table" doesn't mean a thing in his mind. The only answer I have is that he's insane. I'm not conplerely joking either. There are times when I see the man I married and others when I have no clue who this man is. The upside of believing he's nuts or MLC if you will is this: It allows me to have compassion for his pain and all he's going through. Without that I couldn't even pretend to do this.
Grace said it all...they are in an emotional/mental funk that they need to escape, and it is much easier to escape into a new R that may demand a lot of emotional energy, but little in the way of real committed effort, and NO effort at resolving conflict.
My XH is very much like your W; and also like Grace's H as far as convincing himself that he tried everything. Everything, that is, except for communication and change! I'm sorry you are in this, it isn't fun and it takes awhile to work through. Good luck.
They are depressed. They feel awful inside and can't find any happiness in their lives. They meet the wrong person at the right time and suddenly there is a bit of excitement in their day. And it begins to grow...out of control and into an affair. But they don't care about their marriage any longer because they've finally found something that helps them escape from their unhappiness and makes them feel good again. For a while...
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
