The Good, the Bad, and the Funny 4

[mkultra]

MKULTRA THREAD

I guess it is official that I am addicted to this place, but it is my safe place. So thank you all for being there for me. I will try to stay focused and be there for you. Doing good for others is what makes us happy and connected. I just hope this addiction to this forum and my weight loss and change in attitude does not mean I am also having a MLC!

[mkultra]

Journaling:

It is 6AM in California. That is a reasonable time for me to wake up, I guess. I cab still remember the nights when I was up at 3AM and then 5AM. I am sure a lot of you can relate to that, so yes it does get better and your brain does wrap itself around the infidelity and lets it go eventually, little by little.

The thing is I have never seen it or heard it I have only seen bills and seen a car parked and heard rumours and caught an email.

I have not seen it with mine own eyes and so I started to panic about that eventuality this morning because I did see his car parked across the street from my new job at the bar. That MEANS SHE WORKS at the coffee shop across the street form where I work!!!! OMG.

The woman who introduced me to my H happened upon the affair three months ago and has never told me until this week after she was sure he told me himself. She said she became violently ill and sobbed uncontrollably as if the wind got knocked out of her. She has known us since we were 14 and considers him a brother. She said it actually worsened her depression and views on men!

I began thinking how dare he park across the street from my job waiting to give her a ride to where they sleep. how dare he rub that in my face. So I did a 180. I sounded weak and vulnerable and came out of the dark to make a simple request that I am sure his cruel heart will deny, just like whenn he refused to call this OP his "girlfriend". He is so loyal to her!.

[mkultra]

The Request on his Voicemali:

M: (very sweetly in timid tired voice) Hey, H. I noticed your car parked across the street from BAR. You probably know I have been working there to help out my mom. I was not sure why you were parked there.

Umm, P said she happened upon you and OP and she became pretty depressed about it. She only told me after she knew we were sure we were geting a divorce. I said we pretty were sure we were getting a divorce. (my first time using the word to him like that.)

I know I have no right to ask, but I think I would become pretty sad and upset if I saw you or the kids saw you with someone until after we are divorced ( I could not say OP name!!!). Um, (crying a little) I just think it would make me really sad and I would hope you could keep the affair away from me or be discreet since I will be there at BAR. ( crying a little harder/ voicemail timed out.)

[mkultra]

I had to steal this from Nutty Chick. What book is this from?

"A man meets a woman in the course of his life, he spends time with the new adoring female who makes him feel very valued and desired. At first, he only lavishes in the attention and feels invigorated. With time, he begins to compare his feelings about the new admirer to those he has for his wife. If he decides to break-up his family and start a new life, he is likely to go through the following psychological stages. "

1. DEMONIZING THE MATE: The man is a decent person who is aware that his conduct is frowned upon both morally and socially. He begins to feel great guilt- yet, he continues his relationship with the other woman. In order to reconcile the conflict between his view of himself as a moral being and his unacceptable conduct, he resorts to demonizing his wife as a justification for his behavior. He ascribes to his wife many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. She may be seen as an inept person, wife and mother or even evil.

2. REWRITING HISTORY: Not only is the partner found to be irrevocably faulted, she has been so for the whole duration of the marriage. The husband re-creates a view of historical suffering and pain he has endured. He may say, "I have been unhappy in this marriage for ages" or, "She has made every day of our married life a miserable day." It is clear that it is a re-created story because of the exaggerated nature of the comment, its intensity and the lack of balance. The husband assumes no personal responsibility for his role in the so-called "long-term suffering." He seeks approval and support of others for having been a victim, which in his mind fully justifies his abandoning the family.

3. PUNISHING THE MATE: The man retells his newly developed view of his suffering often enough to believe that his wife deserves to be punished. She is the "offender" and his "persecutor" and thus needs to be dealt with harshly. The punishment is dished out through financial withholding, or worse, through fighting over the children. He believes that his wife is not entitled to receive any future benefits from him, sometimes not even those allowed by law. "She received enough advantages by having been married to me, she is entitled to nothing else." In many cases, he may attempt to deprive his wife equal, fair or appropriate access to the children. Needless to say, this divorce will be very bitter, lengthy, costly and detrimental to the children.

4. SEEKING APPROVAL: Despite all his vengeance, the man still wants the affirmation and approval of family, friends and curiously enough even his wife. He wants her to accept that she was primarily responsible for the break-up of the family and realize that he had no other choice but to act as he did. Sadly, he may impart this view upon the children who are traumatized enough by the divorce. The deep-seated guilt the man experiences about having left his family for another woman continues to plague him. For many, the strain within the original family leaves permanent emotional scars.

5. RESTORING BALANCE: The man expects the first wife to accept his new life and even be happy for him. He wants his wife to take the full blame for his need to escape the intolerable marriage. Therefore, she should also accept the "new reality" and make peace with his new girlfriend or wife. Since the first wife does not share any of his reconstructed views of their history, she is often unwilling to embrace his new life. With time, however, some couples learn to act civilly toward each other for the sake of their children. Few former mates accept the expanded family and may even become friendly again.

[nephartiti]

Hi, MK. I'd like to see what the above excerpt has to suggest dealing with these stages and trying to bring the spouse back to reality. I feel like I'm in stage 3 with my H. Yuck! He's going to want approval next? As if!

[mkultra]

I think I am also between 3 and 4 and thank goodness I am Dark. My H has been working a normal job, sounding cheery onhis phone, making small talk to my family, agreeing to everyting I want, dressing like a normal person. yet, he will still ocassionally yell at me and flake on the kids and his affair seems to be in full throttle so far so bad.

[mkultra]

Um, yeah your H cried to you neph. He is approaching stage 4. What to do we do? Quick, we need to antidote to this craziness. Arm ourselves with Divorce Rememdy.

[nephartiti]

MK, when did you leave that v-mail?

I don't know how he will respond to that. Hopefully he has enough heart to respect your request. Based on his other behavior, I'm afraid he's just going to turn it around on you. I hope not. You worded things very well. It was not accusatory or angry. You gave a simple, honest request. I hope he can honor that.

Wow, that she works accross the street. That's a little too close for comfort. For me, I'm such a snooper, I would use that to my advantage, but it sounds like it really bothers you, so I'm sorry.

I still have trouble sleeping too. LOL about the LBS MLC. I have questioned myself too with all these 180's and "rediscovering" myself. Sometimes I feel selfish and MLC-ish. Maybe that's how are spoused felt? We didn't have A's, but maybe they honestly felt betrayed in some way? Probably not even by us, necessarily, just be life. However, they had to betray us to band-aid their feelings so we got the blame to justify it.

[nephartiti]

Yeah, he did, and I "validated" his feelings. Somehow that's supposed to bring him around? According to the above, it will just make it easier on him to walk away.

I don't know. It is so hard. Do we take the tough love approach or the unconditional love no matter what approach? I mentioned OW's name yesterday and S2 started going on and on. Papa likes M. M in parking lot. M hungry. M gonna get some food. Little girl has pool. Need swim trunks. Papa friend gonna like me. Buy toys. Buy toys.

Ouch.

[SallyM]

mk, just because you have lost some weight and are having a change of attitude, it does not mean you are in the midst of a MLC. I've said it before, when you start wearing neon colors/teasing your hair/trying to pretend you are 20 again, then we'll talk.

reading those stages made me ill...yep, I've seen each and every one of them. at least now I can step aside and stop buying into the crap he pulls. the re-writing hurts so much, though, because it takes away even the good memories...like they never existed. it all just sucks, sucks, sucks.

(((HUGS))) about the voice mail. I know it hurts. I can well imagine just how much it hurts. just remember, you can't change what he is doing. you can ask him to be courteous, but in the end he may just think you are making too big a deal about it and are freaking out because you are the one who is nuts/emotional/picking at things. he's already justified himself in his own mind, after all. hopefully he'll abide by your wishes on it, just have a back up plan as to how you can handle it if he doesn't.