Well, don't know what it is, could be backlash from great sex last Sunday.... She's now saying the she doesn't really miss me and she's happier when I'm not around. When before she has said she's happy to see me and she does miss me and she loves me. I really hate this.... Whatever.... At least we both agreed that we both really need to work hard on not get into unpleasant arguments. She misunderstands me a lot through her anger goggles. I'm not really sure what I can do besides just not say much of anything.
So it seems that my S4 now misbehaves badly in the presence of both the W and I. He's fine with just her, or fine with just me. So now the W thinks that I'm the cause of all that stress so my presence isn't welcome. Of course she doesn't think that maybe it's cuz the S4 isn't happy with our S. It's not me, it's the situation. Any suggestions for situations like this? How I can stop the meltdowns? I have tried give him as much attention as possible... I know he really misses me. Yes I can just only see the kids and stay away from the W each visit. But we both really want the kids to feel they still have a family.... And plus I do want to sneak in some positive experiences with the W if possible....
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
I have no certain answers for you. My S8 was the same age as your son the first time around with this mess..and he was deeply affected. But when we were able to reconcile he had a noticeable difference. So this is temporary. Don't let him feel like he has control over the 2 of you with his temper tantrums. Be firm and loving....and most importantly a united front when it comes to him. Sit him down and tell him that his behavior is unacceptable. You understand that he may feel upset and hurt, and that's ok. He can tell you he's mad or sad or whatever. Even a 4 yr. old will understand that. But the misbehaving won't be tolerated. Indulging him out of guilt it the worst you can do. It puts too much control in his hands and will leave him feeling vulnerable and insecure. Right now the biggest thing he needs is security.
Nice to meet you, btw. I'm Ginger and in your same sitch.
God bless, ~G
Last edited by Gingersnap; 09/26/0708:59 PM.
Me (36) H (42) M (12) S-8 D-5 SS-18 D Day (PA) 12/02 S 10/03 R 1/03 S again 9/07 I choose Joy.
Hi Ginger. I really wish it's that easy. I try to be firm but the W isn't backing me up. She's buying him toys all the time now out of her guilt I think. In fact over the years I've always been frustrated with my W's parenting methods. She tries to "talk" to my S4 instead of being firm. And she always thinks I am being too harsh. She is very over-protective of the kids. She said she'll make an effort in that department but who knows if it'll happen.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
I think your first guess is the correct one. She's sexually satisfied for a while, so she doesn't miss you. Your wife seems to allow her whims to control her. She floats around on emotional breezes. You need to not let yourself get involved in that. You need to be the lighthouse, so when she is lost you are there to show the way. Be strong. She really should not be the one leading the family.
Kids will use anything at that age to get attention - doesn't matter whether it's positive attention because they are being good or bad attention because they are being naughty. It's all just attention. MY H acted the same way when he thought he wasn't getting attention - was like having a 5th child!!
Of course your son will be picking up on the tension and making the most of it. Even better if he can trade you off against one another to his benefit - he won't understand that it's driving you and your S apart. He's also too young in my opinion to be able to vocalise how he may be feeling about things or even to know why he may feel some things.
Also, kids at this age test the boundaries anyway and it always seems worse when you are stressed.
I've got 4 children and my H and I made a pact early on that we would always try and back one another up in front of the children, and if we didn't agree we would argue it out in private and then come back with a united compromise. On the whole it works.Obviously there are times when you can't always agree or have the luxury of time to discuss something before dealing with the issue but these are the exceptions and generally we pay the price when we are not able to stick to this agreement - not the child!!!!
Sorry to meet you here under these conditions.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Over the phone today the W mentioned that the major roadblock could be that she may never be able to believe me that I am genuine about loving her for who she is as a person since for 6 years of M I didn't and that I wanted her to look different, be different, whatever. Obviously no words is going to change her mind. She has a hard time believing all of sudden I think and feel completely different. And she's not sure how I can even show her that. Does anyone have any idea what I can do to show her that? It's just beyond frustrating when you are genuinely feeling about something and someone calls you a liar, and maybe forever.....
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Unfortunately she doesn't really know. She said so herself she's not sure how I can show her.... Makes me feel like all those years when she says she's not happy, and I asked her what I can do to make her happy and she can't tell me. *sigh*
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Cautiously, I think this is a good opportunity to set up a little trust and boundaries. You can't jump thruogh hoops doing things left and right to convince her of something she's already decided to not believe. I would tell her that you do feel differently. That you hope she is able to see those changes already in your behavior. But that only time will be able to convince her that they are authentic. You understand if she's not willing to take that risk, but you are not willing to do superficial things to convince her. That would be fake and she'd likely see through it anyway.
This way she doesn't walk all over you and set up a potential new R that's out of balance, and you've handed the decision to believe you right back to her. Confident in your position and unswerving no matter what.
Best, ~G
Me (36) H (42) M (12) S-8 D-5 SS-18 D Day (PA) 12/02 S 10/03 R 1/03 S again 9/07 I choose Joy.
Dave, This is an important issue that the 2 of you should deal with in a joint counseling session. Can you go with her to a session with her counselor, or can you find a different counselor to work with you together.
To me it is parallel to anorexia, where the person does not see the same reality that others see. Others see a thin person, but the anorexic sees a fat person. In this case, you believe that you love her and are doing everything to express that love, and she doesn't see it. Is it a question of differing realities? Mixed messages? Different love Languages? There are a lot of questions to explore here.
