Gingersnap-newly separated & bracing for the ride!

[Gingersnap]

Hi all,

I attempted an intro post a couple of months back but wasn't quite sure what was happening, so I waited it out. Now I suppose H is in a full blown MLC. So here's my story, hopefully in somewhat of a nutshell.

Married 12 years in November. Back in '02 H had an affair and rocked my world. S for 3 months and then R. I became a Christian through the trial (thank God!) and prayed for H's return. He returned saying he believed the Lord told him he needed to come home, repent, etc. Things went ok for awhile but lots of details about his A continued to surface during piecing, which made things very difficult for me.

Settled into life again and his detachment from me began to show again about a year ago. Very little affection, no ILY's unless I said it first, uncaring, distant, etc. Also stopped going to church with the family. I never pressured him about it, but noticed his behavior was getting darker. About 3 months ago I suspected another A. He shaved his private area (this still gives me the creeps), lied about going fishing for the day (I was suspicious and checked mileage...he only drove 15 mi that day and the lake was 2 hrs from our house one way), late from work, never home on days off etc. So I started with the confrontational behavior. He withdrew more, of course. And his anger...he flies into a rage at the drop of a hat, uses foul language and listens to hate music (literally, one song sounds like random screaming and the title is I f--king hate you!). He is full of hostility most of the time and clearly depressed.

Finally, about 2 weeks ago I decided to bluff my way into a confession. I called him at work and told him I knew all about him and his co-worker (I had reasons to suspect her) and I was done. He was furious. He came home and demanded to know what I *thought* I knew. I said someone had seen the 2 of them together. He was absolutely enraged. He got in my face and said "I did not have an affair with her and YOU KNOW I'M TELLING THE TRUTH!". He was telling the truth - looked me straight in the eye and didn't bat an eye or twitch a muscle. He called my bluff and I lost. Eventually I had to confess that I was bluffing because he kept demanding to know who said that and threatened to leave if I didn't tell him. So now, in addition to being distance, cold, aloof, etc. he has the *right* to think I've gone a little crazy.

So now....I don't believe there's an A. But there is still a LOT wrong. I tried to tell him that. I got smart quick and gave him space...no calls at work. No convo at home about R. Just cool.

As if this wasn't enough...last week his father, who abandoned him when he was 7 and whom he'd just been talking to again after being estranged for 10 years died suddenly. This came right after he went to Tenn. to help get him settled after being in the hospital (we are in GA). He spent the previous weekend up there nursing him and taking care of things because his dad had no one else. He had alienated his entire family. In the end he died a lonely old man in government assisted housing.

This sent H completely off the deep end, and I've read about the triggers in MLC. For this to happen DURING one....ugh. I just don't know what to think.

So...he started doing the "I don't know what I want...I need space" I asked him if we are done and he said he honestly didn't know. He said when he gets back from Tenn. he wants to move out to his own place. Very little communication other than that. I didn't even know what day he was leaving and when he would return except by hearing him talk on the phone to family members.

I have been lurking here for awhile and knew to go straight into DB'ing mode. I read DB and refer to it often. Right before he left I caved in a moment of weakness and cried on his shoulder...told him I loved him and didn't want this to be over. But I would support whatever he felt he had to do. He told me he loved me and didn't consider us done yet. He said "It's not over until we both sign on the dotted line". He told me to pray for him and he was off.

I have not called once and he's been gone since Saturday. He calls to talk to the kids at night and gives me simple how are the kids questions and a curt goodbye.

I am working on GAL (I'm a photographer and work is keeping me extremely busy, thank goodness) and detaching. So far so good. Last night was bad. His coolness on the phone hurts. I know that's just how it is going to be. It still hurts.

Just wanted to start journaling here and getting some support. I don't need links to newbie threads or DB books, as I've been here awhile (even before I joined).

Geez, this just isn't the place you want to introduce yourself, you know?

But well, here I am. That's life. But you know what? I choose joy. I choose peace. And I'm not willing to give either of those up for my selfish H.

~G

[Reincarnated]

Ginger--
I was looking out for you. I agree; not the way you want to start of introductions, is it? But we are all here for the same reasons...

You already know what to do, which is a great thing, something I am still struggling with (well, I know it, but have been often overcome with weakness and emotion in the past). On the darker side, you also know the hurt and long road ahead. A double-edged sword.

As you know the ins-and-outs of what to do, I will just offer my prayers and good thoughts to you, your H and your family.

Hang in,
Donna

[Gingersnap]

Stomach is in knots today. I've been so at peace since H left for Tenn. He is due to return tomorrow, I guess. I have no clue when. He has to work Fri, Sat, Sun (pharmacist) so he has to get clothes. H has not had to decency to let me know when he'll be back in town, whether or not he's moving out, and if so when.

So there you have it. I'm married to the man but know zilch about his plans.

I understand this is part of it. It's just so disrespectful it makes my blood boil. I haven't phoned once since he's been gone, and the temptation is there to call to see what his plans are on returning. Would that be a mistake?



Thank you so much for the prayers, Donna. I'll take as much of those as I can get!

[azhira]

Could you do something less obtrusive? Say, send him a text? That way, he could choose whether or not to respond.

[Gingersnap]

I called. Did all the wrong things. Told him it would be nice to know what happens tomorrow. He's coming to the house and packing and getting an apartment.

Right now I hate him with every fiber of my being. I can't stand what he's doing to our kids.

Not sure if I'll be doing this DBing song and dance.

[Reincarnated]

Oh, Ginger...I am so sorry. The kids...

I watched that show on Oprah today that mk gave the heads-up on. There was one family who had a mom who left them...

Gary (the therapist) says children often blame themselves after a divorce and secretly believe that they can somehow fix things. "Kids want to feel responsible for the divorce because it gives this some sense of control that 'I can make them come back,'" Gary says.

Daisy tells Gary that she tried to look pretty to make her mom want to come back. And Kris says he gave his mom "puppy eyes" and bought her a ring with his allowance, but she didn't want it.

This is the time when Gary says a parent needs to break the cardinal rule. "Children in these circumstances, we cannot have them feeling that they are somewhat responsible for the rejection from the parent who has abandoned them. So that's the time when we have to say to our children, 'It is wrong as a parent not to be there for your child.'"

Gary explains to Daisy and Kris, "Sometimes people have problems in their mind and it limits them and it stops parents from giving the love that children deserve. Your dad is here because you guys are terrific and you deserve to have two parents. And if you have this one, that's going to be good enough. You did not make her go away and you cannot make her come back."

To help them express their feelings, Gary has Daisy and Kris write letters to their mother.

I'm not sure how much your kids know, yet...

[Gingersnap]

He called again a few minutes ago. I'm calmer and collected. He's a mess. Crying and saying he's losing it. I told him, quite calmly, that I understand he's hurting but that he will be ok. He needs space and I need space. We will do this and work with the kids together. He was grateful, I think. I told him initially I'd like to downplay the move and say that it's just a way to be closer to work because his hours are changing. Not sure if they will buy it. But I need a little time to collect myself and I'll take what I can get. He agreed to that plan as well...sounding relieved.

At least I strapped myself in for the ride. Sounds pretty classic MLC. He asked me to pray for him 3 times before he hung up. I assured him there was not an hour that passed that I wasn't.

Hope comes in tiny bits and pieces around here.

Thanks so much, Donna. I need to get to some other threads so I can get some more replies..LOL. I did watch Oprah. Part of why I fell apart so easily at the news I already knew.

[Jeanette1120]

Hi Ginger!

Well....I must say I congratulate you on reading and getting to know whats ahead of you before you posted. You do sound like a smart Gingersnap!

I think your answer lyes somewhere between your husband losing it with all the crying and you realizing you both need space. Oh boy......hindsight is 20/20.

Those tiny bits and pieces you spoke of.....well, they build a big puzzle. The more you go into analysisparalysis (sp) the more you second guess. Whew....I do hate to see you here, but I am very glad you have done your homework. It helps.

Your doing mahvelous Ging! It's hard. Lots of enerfy will be zapped.....but if "standing" is what you want. Strapping yourself in is a good idea.

I would also say that asking you to pray for him.....is a cry for help. You being the calm one...is help. He needs this from you, as he is spinning so outta control right now. Alot has hit him......(not taking from you) but then again, if you've read, you know it's not about you.........right?

Your PMA is astounding at this early stage of your journey!!

Kudos Girl!

Jeanette