I haven't been here in quite a while. For anyone who needs to see where I am coming from, th old link address is http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1012049&page=3#Post10120 To update....W filed and i was served with D papers on Aug. 2nd. I had to find an attorney to answer and the attorney has been very helpful. I also suggested we see a counselor to try to find a way to communicate since we are looking at an equal time split with kids. She agreed as long as we were not seeing the counselor to help the M.
Both sessions with the C have turned into a bash fest toward me. She speaks with venom and bitterness that is actually frightening. The C told me to realize that I was just the target and not the whole cause or probably not even the biggest cause and she would try to get W to see that too.
My question for the group pertains to out last session...I was basically accused of being very controlling and the example of that was that i am still wearing my ring. She is very upset by that. For the life of me, I could not figure out why she is so angry about me wearing my ring! I have some thoughts on it now but I would like to hear what some folks here think too.
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
I think you should be able to wear it if you want. It is her problem and she is being controlling in this sitch. My mom still wears hers and I just noticed it now as I am closer to the Big D. She was shocked I never noticed after 20 year! Duh. Blinders. Your wife is being very emotional so be supportive of her.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Boy, you hit one of the trouble spots. I can't be supportive because anything i offer becomes a "you have to let go" or "contolling" issue. I keep up the pleasentries and do the things I need to for the kids and the house, but can't send anything at all her way without being slapped down.
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
I am in the same boat as you, on the "let it go" category. I think that is how they shield themselves from not giving into their emotions. Back to the real question...You wear that ring as long as you want to... #1- shows you are devoted to your M #2- turn the tables a little bit, all that is really doing besides # 1 is showing the world you are not available, so that is no way hurting her...possibly just you. So if you are content with that and accept that, then it becomes none of her business. Plus if you take if off, it may come up missing like mine did..BIG MISTAKE!! Keep your chin up, she is in the angry stage right now so just get your lifejacket on a wait it out..let all the ugliness roll off your back. I know it is MUCH harder to do than it is to say.
Hey, man, nice to hear from you but sad you're here.
I still gat that kind of thing. Anytime the conversation gets confrontational (like I paid for the whole month of CS and now that the payroll deducts started, she won't give the money back) it means I have issues and I need to let go and I need to see my C. There is nothing you can do about her opinion, only your actions.
The ring thing is perverse. I fail to see how you wearing your ring is controlling her. How does that logic (or emotion) work?
You need to do what you need to do to protect yourself, grow, get on with your life, survive the D with as much sanity, adult behavior and cash as possible, and let her go do her thing. In five years she'll be spitting about some other guy. Not your problem anymore.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
How goes it buddy ?.. well other than the ring thing ?
Wear your ring.. it seems it might be a guilt thing on her part.. but who knows? She has so many other issues and problems.. this seems to be the least of them ?
You know, the issues just seem to keep on coming. The ring thing was just one more to throw me for a loop. One more piece of the insanity that I just cannot figure out. But then maybe thats the picture of insanity in the first place.
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
Ok, we had out third meeting with the new counselor and I took most of the time for a change. I put out my perspective and I actually think W listened a little. It hasn't changed her position to go forward with the D but maybe she at least heard.
The dilemma I had now is that she wants to sit down and tell the kids together and explain what will happen from a custody standpoint. She wants to deflect any questions about why this is happening with some kind of generic "we have had some adult problems" statement. I have told her before that I will not lie to my kids and tell them I support this decision. Every cell in my body tells me that this(the D) is wrong and nothing good can come of it. She has told me I can't say that to the kids. In other words she once again wants me to do something that makes this whole thing easier for her. I am tired of doing her dirty work for her and co-dependently allowing her to not take responsibility for her own choices and actions in life.
So my dilemma...she thinks not talking about reasons/causes/etc would be healthier for the kids. I think if we don't answer their questions they will creat their own answers and by deflecting it is ultimately dishonest with the kids (S11, D9). So do I sugar coat it all or stick to my guns and stay honest with them? I'm not talking about making accusations, mommy did this, etc, I 'm talking about just saying I don't want this to happen either.
Any thoughts from someone who's been through this?
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
