There and Back, #7

[SallyM]

okay, breaking down again. really wallowing right now. big old pity party.

I was talking to a friend who said I should get something nice for myself for my anniversary. not something I am really thinking about doing, but I started playing around online...checked out a favorite local florists website, thinking, would I really send myself flowers or something like that (yeah, I'm one of those women who love getting flowers). I did that for my birthday and loved them....they were just lovely, and a nice splurge that I normally don't do.

so I bopped around the site a bit when I just started crying. He sent her 2 dozen roses for her birthday this past june. 2 dozen. nearly $200 worth of roses for her birthday. do you know the entire time we were together he never once sent me flowers on my birthday, except for this year, when he sent an arrangement from him and the kids. trust me, it wasn't 2 dozen roses.

sorry, like I said, pity party.

she must be something. at least something to him.

he just e-mailed me that he opened a new credit card for work. his new company doesn't have a corporate card, so he will have to use his own and get reimbursed for expenses, and he figures opening the new card will keep it all nice and tidy and separate for him. he told me he'd pay it, just stick the bill with his mail when it comes.

all I can think is he's using it for things for her. I'm sure he has a nice order already standing for their anniversary...think its next week, not completely sure of the date. I'm trying to tell myself that no, I will not "accidently" open the bills. I will not call the florist. I will not do any of this. it will only bite me in the ass. none of it matters, anyway. he is with her. he is with her. he is with her. I need to keep telling myself that over and over. for some reason the fact that I'm even hurt/care about what he is doing for her is just ridiculous, and shows just how attached I still am.

ugh.

[S_O_T_S]

Hello again morgan.

Did you ever pick a color for you? I respond to requests. Spartan green is the only one that's reserved.

okay, breaking down again. really wallowing right now. big old pity party.

Nothing wrong with this, as long as you have it and then let go of it without letting it drag you into a whirlpool of depression.

I was talking to a friend who said I should get something nice for myself for my anniversary.

This is not such a bad idea, but I would make it something that's not..... anniversary-like, so as not to remind you.

I started playing around online...checked out a favorite local florists website, thinking, would I really send myself flowers or something like that (yeah, I'm one of those women who love getting flowers).

So this isn't necessarily bad, but you've very quickly done...

when I just started crying. He sent her 2 dozen roses for her birthday this past june. 2 dozen. nearly $200 worth of roses for her birthday.

this. Which is to put the focus back on him, what he's doing, done or hasn't done.

she must be something. at least something to him.

Well, presumably, she's an illusion who is temporarily everything you aren't in his eyes.

Doesn't really matter, though. What can you do to distract yourself? What came out of your last IC session? Anything productive you can use?

You ever do the trick of setting the timer so you can have a defined endpoint to your pity party?

he just e-mailed me that he opened a new credit card for work. his new company doesn't have a corporate card, so he will have to use his own and get reimbursed for expenses, and he figures opening the new card will keep it all nice and tidy and separate for him. he told me he'd pay it, just stick the bill with his mail when it comes.

all I can think is he's using it for things for her. I'm sure he has a nice order already standing for their anniversary...think its next week, not completely sure of the date.

Of course, there's the whole whiskey bottle thing...

Or perhaps I'll try something else.

If you're right, does this change anything?

I will not call the florist. I will not do any of this. it will only bite me in the ass.

You're probably right. Sometimes knowing too much is torture. Other times it's exactly what's needed. Seems like the former for you.

none of it matters, anyway. he is with her. he is with her. he is with her. I need to keep telling myself that over and over.

I can't agree with you here.

What's true is that he's not with you. And that may or may not persist. She's largely irrelevant here, except for the fact that she's distracting him.

But the most important thing here is you. And you getting to a state where you start to hurt a little less.

Can't remember if I ever put this out there, but remember that you can measure your progress in healing by looking at:

The frequency of your hurting times getting less
The intensity of your hurting times getting less
The duration of your hurting times getting shorter

for some reason the fact that I'm even hurt/care about what he is doing for her is just ridiculous, and shows just how attached I still am.

OK. You're right. What's the plan for getting more detached.

I wrote that in my last post and you didn't reply.

What does is look like when you're being more detached?

What can you do to notice your progress to becoming more detached?

What are the very first steps you can take toward becoming more detached?

How about...

I'm going to start keeping track of my mis-steps and really assess my progress over time?

I'm going to set a defined time limit to allow myself to process my feelings at times like this?

I'm going to go for a walk/play with kids/workout/buy new boots to distract myself...

Anything else?

Hope you feel better; I must say, I'm cringing for you right now.... I remember all too well what you're feeling.

((((((((((((morgan)))))))))))))

[SallyM]

oooh, I get to pick a color? I like the first one, the dark blue. very nice.

nope, not spiraling into depression. at least that is one thing. my therapist and I talked about how that whirlpool works, and how I'm okay because I let that river keep on flowing and such.

but yeah, too much focus on him. I told my therapist straight out today, that's what the next couple of weeks will be. I know they will be. but I will get past it, and it won't be all the time. and (cover your eyes if this scares you) right about now there are probably some hormones at work, too. (ok, uncover your eyes).

the good news is, I can answer a definitive yes to the three following:

The frequency of your hurting times getting less
The intensity of your hurting times getting less
The duration of your hurting times getting shorter

as for the how to get more detached question, I didn't mean to ignore it, just giving it some thought. I like your answers...good ones, those. so I'm going to just say, yes, like that. I have to say, my therapist really did help me see that even though I am still attached and am still hurting/grieving, I have come soooo far. she really made me see and appreciate my progress. I think your point about focusing on that is a really good one.

thanks for the sympathy and the insight/advice. it does help.

I'm okay again. just like that pot that boils over, like my friend says...I feel intensely, externalize it (in this case in the rant here), then can release it. at least I didn't go off on H, which is what I was tempted to do before posting here. its going to be a tightrope walk for me not doing that over the next week or 2, but going to keep coming here, and to my journal, and to my friends. going to keep working out, and keep myself busy, and focus on the good things.

[mkultra]

Yes, you believe he is with her. yes, you have seen evidence from the past. Yes, it feels like he has chosen someone over you. But that does not mean, and I truly belive this, that does not mean he loves her more than you, even if he has said so in the past. It is a crazy notion, and it really is none of our business, but many wayward spouses just choose the affair because it seems like an easier path than a marriage, which is work, work, work. You know that. Look how much work you are putting into so far. He would get blown away if he knew the half of what you do to keep your family happy and together.

Morgan, I do not believe it matters about the OP. I am sorry about seeing the florist account. I totally know how you feel. Completely. My mother has told me that my H is so insecure about losing his OW that he "babysits her" all night long. Even while he was at work, he checked in on her. even when she was at work, he checked in on her. That is because it is not a R of trust or faith or anything good.

Sending her flowers, that is a different behavior than he showed with you. That is a reason they have affairs, so they can be different. It is not a real or authentic or a life of integrity. C'mon. You know that. You are the real deal. You are. Soap box turned over.

[LL44]

morgan, I know how you feel about the flowers. The same way I felt when I found out H gave her a Mother's Day card AND gift, and I got neither this spring. Its an horrible feeling. S O T S said something smart though, she is just a temporary replacement in his eyes, this isn't something that is going to last. However, are you (and am I?) strong enough to get through this? We have to be for our kids, don't we? We are backed into a corner, and instead of cowering, we are shining.

Backslides, pity parties, good hard cries.....these are soooo normal. And you even admitted they are less and less these days. Today was just a mini bomb for you and yes, they still hurt like heck.

(((((HUGS))))))

[SallyM]

thanks ladies. I actually knew about the flowers a couple of months ago, but seeing the site just reminded me about it. its one of the few things I never confronted him on, btw (I did about the valentine ones...he sent her the same roses he sent me this past year. ouch.)

I'm doing okay tonight. I am. I feel okay. honestly, I don't believe she is temporary. I know my H, and the things he has done over and over to prove himself to her are pretty significant.

but you know, I think it was neph here said, what would D change for me. I talked it over with my therapist today, and a lot of what it would change would be negative right now (mainly $). but eventually in order to move on for real, I'll need to consider it...unless he gets there first, of course. interesting point, btw, mk, about him needing her to be different than me/him needing to treat her differently. he does sooo much more for her, gives her sooo much. I guess I'm too easy going, not high maintenence enough. who knows. trust me, I would love 2 dozen roses for my birthday...but they aren't necessary. maybe for her they are. or maybe they aren't for her, but are for him to give her.

when we got engaged, I consider us to be engaged the day we sat at the kitchen table in our jammies making future plans. I didn't need a ring, I didn't need any of it, as much as I enjoy diamonds (hey, they are my birthstone, after all, lol). He considers us to have gotten engaged 2 weeks later when he surprised me with the ring, the down on one knee, uber romantic proposal. don't get me wrong, I LOVE my ring, and LOVE the proposal, but I think there is part of him that was bugged by the fact that I even said that first time that I didn't need a ring. but we were poor/struggling then, the ring wasn't what was important to me...spending my life with the man I loved was.

mk, interesting that your H babysits OW. he is sooo insecure, isn't he? plus, being a cheater, he knows that it is perfectly possibly (even expected, likely) for the person you are with to cheat, also.

hmmm

lwb, that is the scummiest thing ever that he gave her a mothers day card/gift and nothing for you, the mother of his children. just disgusting.

H didn't get me anything. my kids took me out to breakfast (I told them they were, lol) and he invited himself along. overall, a really nasty weekend...lots of really awful stuff that weekend. I suppose I don't know if he got her something, but somehow I doubt it. won't go snooping to find out, though. nope. not gonna.

not doing much tonight. not sulking, not crying, not sad or weepy at all (for now!). will curl up on the couch and watch the conclusion of The War. lots of sadness tonight, but also jubilition.

[LL44]

Yes, morgan, scummy. Of all the things he has done in the last 6 months, that is on the top of the list of things that nearly killed me. He barely helped the girls tell me Happy Mothers Day and didn't go to my family function that day either. SIGH

morgan, I like your therapist, I really do. Basically what you are doing now (detaching, being unavailable) is preparing you for war. Meaning if he files. In the meantime, its making you a stronger and better person so when (if? sigh) he comes back, he'll come back to a different person, which is good. Because its you...just...stronger..better. An individual that will know how to make herself happy.

Glad you are status quo tonight. Enjoy your curl up time.

[SallyM]

yep, that would be really high on my list. just scummy. hopefully he holds the guilt of that dear, because he deserves to, for a very, very long time.

I love my therapist. truly, I would be friends with her if I could. she challenges me, supports me, comforts me, educates me. I would say every single appt I've had with her, even when I was at my lowest, or even when I wasn't, I came out feeling better/stronger/more focused than when I went in. I can definitely see a difference in myself. even when I slip, when I feel like I have gone backward instead of forward, I can see the progress. wish I could share her with everyone...everyone deserves someone like her.

preparing for war, hmmm? interesting, that. in a way, its true, I am, I guess.

I've been watching The War tonight, and my mind has wandered here and there to ow and H. I keep trying to refocus the visions, turn them off mostly, but also revamp them. Its like I have a little mk sitting on my shoulder, turning it from sunshine and roses, to humdrum and daily annoyances. lol. she has to do something that annoys him, right? lol.

really, I'm doing okay, though. trying to figure out my day tomorrow. H is in my town for some business and he is coming by...means he can come by at any time, so that kind of has me on my guard a bit, I guess. but making my plans...definitely trying to incorporate more "as if" into my time with him than the last few days have shown.

the morning, at least, is mine. will be off to the gym, hopefully. my triceps are still killing me from yesterday's workout. obviously I've been slacking on them, and omg, I didn't yesterday. rotten rope pull down. grumble grumble. hopefully will feel better tomorrow, and I suppose a little pain is good once in a while. but ouch.

[LL44]

morgan, I didn't mean war as in a war with H during a divorce, I just meant a D would be devastating on any of us.

mk is right, OW does a lot to annoy your H, have no fear. And he probably realizes (at times, grrr) how much better it is at home. Pride, stupidity, emotional attachment, fog, whatever is keeping him away.

[SueS]

Hi morgan-

Sorry I've never been over here before. I need to do some reading and I'll get back to your thread. I guess I didn't do enough looking to find out where you were posting. I'll get back though. You've had such great words for me.

Have a good night.

SueS