Morgan, you are strong. You know you are strong. Find that strength deep within and hold onto it tightly.
If you don't want to se H on your annivrsary, then you will find a way. You will do what you have to do. However, sometimes I believe in fate. If it feels that you are swimming against the current and not getting anywhere, then it is time to let go and go with what life brings you. It's like when that giant wave catches you off guard. You have to roll with it. Fighting it is pointless. Some things we can't control, right? We can only control how we react to them. I know, you've heard it before, but it's true. You can handle this. You can, and you have time to get ready.
Take care. We are here for you.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
Long time no post, though I have been following along.
A few comments.
I can't even imagine him agreeing to dinner or the like, and then what, he goes home to her? I'm ill just thinking about it.
Thinking about this is largely inevitable. So is feeling the loss and the hurt that will come with it.
So all you can do is let it be what it will be and try to minimize the impact it will have on you. You have a plan, and it sounded like one to help keep you busy and as distracted as you could be.
I'm sure he'll still remember our wedding date.
I'm sure he'll remember too. Question is, will anything come of it. My guess is no, since that would be the majority pattern.
as for the discrepency between me wanting the card, but not wanting him to say anything, its because the cards I saw were from people who wanted to make their relationships better. sure, if H wants to do that, I'm open to it.
Yes, perfectly understandable how you could be conflicted in that way. You'd like it to be one way, and would like to avoid the hurt that accompanies everything if it turns out not to be that way.
I don't want guilt/pity/sympathy on that day. I don't. and that's all I see coming from him if we have any contact at all.
I wouldn't really expect anything from him. You're the one on the ground, so you know your situation better than anyone else. So if you think he's going to do nothing (or do something that might make things worse for you), then....
Bottom line is, you have your plan and do what's right for you.
I guarantee I will be a weeping, blubbering mess,
Not too many that wouldn't be. Nothing wrong with that.
damn, I'm pathetic. I'm crying now.
And this makes you pathetic because?????
Seems normal to me. What am I missing here?
I didn't realize you were an unfeeling robot. That'll make the weekend of the 13th interesting.
, I'll be at the peak (at least this peak) and will be able to see what I'm so afraid of now. I'll have my answers...
And what willl you be able to see? A snapshot in time, and a future with an infinite number of possibilities ahead.
The bigger question though, is when will you be able to get past this day and get back to taking the focus off of him and putting it back onto you?
What does it look like when you're doing that, and what steps do you need to be taking to makae that happen?
how will I make it thru...I will make it thru, after all, but how?
You'll have your plan, and follow it.
You keep picking up one foot and putting it down in front of you all day no matter what. And eventually that day will be over and done with. And you will have survived it.
maybe time heals that.
Time heals most everything.
And everything you wrote about the October anniversary - well I could have written it too.
Take care and see you in a week or so.
S_O_T_S aka: Stoic_On_The_Surface
I can't quite get there cause my heart's forsaken me - KT Tunstall
I noticed that Number Ten a lot on our forum. Yep, a nice round number for people to take stock and think this is just not working out for them/us right now. That is really what motivated me to seperate, that Number Ten, and the MLC associated with ten years of marriage.
It helped me not to think about it at all. I did not look at any pics, I still have not seen my wedding pics since separation. What for?
It wil be my birthday and my 20th reunion October 18th and 19th. I will not want to go to the dinner without a date. Because I am so cool, I also hate feeling pathetic. being cool can be such a burden. LOL.
Read the Daring Girl's Guide to Ecstatic Living. Take that day into your own hands. Take the reigns and be fabulous. Retail therapy, pampering, Netflix day in, spa day, sulk at the movies, dinner out, revisit the scene of the crime/wedding, picnic with the kids, act as if, or not. Think about Luke's Dark Day fishing. Don't we all deserve a dark day?
Do whatever you want for your heart and purge it out. Or just ignore it.
Hey Girl, we need to reclaim a lot of stuff back don't we? .
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
hey all. thanks for the input/advice/support. it is so wonderful to come here and know that there are people who understand, and who will listen, and offer me insight or even just a hug. it all helps.
busy morning. last night, after my wallow, I grabbed the halloween decorations and put them out. hey, its october now, and it feels like fall this week, so why not? we all slept in till after 7 this morning...very nice. then the kids went nuts, seeing all the new stuff out, running around the house seeing this and that, making plans for new decorations. yep, love this time of year.
while they were in school I headed to therapy. I just love my threapist so much. I know I say that every time I see her, but I do. I feel much better now. I know I'm going to be emotional for the next couple of weeks, but she made me see the difference in how I am emotional now, as opposed to how I was emotional a few months ago. when I first got there I told her how I felt like I was several steps backward, but now i realize that I really am still doing well. I now can let the emotion come, and let it flow, and feel it, but also not blame myself for it. I can let it wash over me, then move on, and keep on chugging toward my new self. makes sense to me.
which brings up something S_O_T_S said. no, I'm not a robot, but was raised to believe that emotions are things to be stifled, ignored, set aside, etc. so its a whole new world to let it be okay to feel stuff. I've never been a robot, in spite of my upbringing, but at the same time, its new to know that emotions are okay.
I also talked to her about my plan for that day, and she made me understand better why I need what I need for that day....the total darkness from him, not wanting to hear his voice at all, the pity, the sympathy, the apathy, whatever it is, I don't want it. definitely a control thing on my part...to make it thru the day, I need to keep some sort of control on it, and that that is okay to need. I can change my mind, but if this is what feels right (and it does) to accept that. I will get past that day. there will be other peaks to climb, but I'll get past them, too...I know I can and I will. I'll fill the rest of the time and space with as much good as I can, and who knows, maybe with each peak I'll be stronger and wiser and better than before. seems to be the case so far.
not much else to tell. it was a good session. the kids and I are home now and will be for the rest of the day. the furnace guy is coming to earn the big giant check I have to write him today. ouch. its an H free day. yay!
S_O_T_S, just noticed that your anniversary is tomorrow. another october one. something about that month for those of us in new england, it seems. take care of yourself. will see you in a little over a week!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
mk, we all do deserve a dark day. maybe the 18th will become mine each year. not a bad thing, really. can be healthy, actually.
will be thinking of you on that day, too. as for your reunion, are there some old friends that are going? maybe you all could go together? I had sooo much fun at my 20th. yes, h was there, but it would have been fine with just my friends.
we'll get thru this. we will.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
