well, I'm up at 5:30 with a pounding headache. didn't sleep all that well...just lots of dreams/thoughts running thru my head all night. thinking more about H's and my conversation last night. a couple of things...he said that last week (his breaking down) must have been keeping me attached, so he will make sure not to do anything like that around me anymore. and that makes me sad. just another step apart for us, on that road to divorce. I hate that he will no longer be part of my life, and that i won't be in his, except where the kids are concerned. but at the same time, I can't stay attached to him, keep myself vulnerable to attachment, while all his choices are about being with her.
our whole separation was supposed to be about me figuring out myself, and him figuring out himself. he kept/keeps saying he is confused, doesn't know what he wants. when I asked him to move out, we talked about all of this and I really thought that's what he would be doing. but no, he went to her. so maybe he isn't as confused as he tries to tell me he is. maybe he isn't at all. he sure isn't acting like it, at least not most times.
I really don't know what else I can do at this point. I don't know if telling him the stuff I did was right or wrong. should I have acted more, "as if?" I didn't even realize I was coming off as in a mood at all...I was just preoccupied with some stuff on my mind. or maybe I wasn't coming off in a mood, maybe he just said that because I wasn't asking about vegas and such. or maybe he's just miserable because he's not with his old team and wanted to pick a fight with me. who knows.
enough about him. good day today...gym this morning, then have a playdate with some friends this afternoon. once again, will try to get the focus off of him and onto me. hard, that, at times.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
wouldn't it be nice? if just having strength and heart would mean that we would get what we deserve in life? that we don't really need ruby slippers, its in us all along?
okay, someone stop me. I want to e-mail him in the worst way. I want to tell him that I hope he's okay...I want to tell him I'll always want him to be okay. that I do care about him. that I wish I could be more "normal" with him. that I hate us being apart and distancing myself from him.
I'm guessing this is probably not a good idea, so I'm trying to hold off. but I want to.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Morgan-- PLEASE DON'T!!! Write it here and we will pretend that he read it. Please, please! Only because I know exactly how you want to do this, the compulsion...
He knows all of that. They know, they just don't want to know.
I don't know what the balance should be...maybe, show him your caring when he is with you, but don't go out of your way to reach out to him.
But, I think that you handled the last convo about needing to detach from you very well. Just because he said he wouldn't reach out to you again when in that state, doesn't mean he won't.
Hope that you have a good workout and enjoy your playdate.
Morgan, I'm carrie. I'll be one of the DB'ers at the Boston event next month. Just wanted to pop in and introduce myself before we meet. And I saw your last post. As Donna said, Please don't send an email like that to your H. I am not familiar with your sitch but your H needs to follow his own path without you. You can't offer him support, as much as he really may need or want it, he'll only resent it. resent it because he'll feel stuck or responsible for the way you feel, or because of what it is doing to his family. He already knows these things but he doesn't need a reminder from you, because he'll only turn it around and give fuel to the fire of resentment towards you. Your good intentions will backfire.
Spend your energy instead on your kids and you. You'll all benefit from it.
looking forward to next month, carrie
Me: 41 H: 42 Married: 13Y, together 24 Kids: S11, S9, D6 Bomb: 7/11/06, now piecing
thanks ladies. I didn't send it, and I won't. but wow, the desire to is powerful. yep, he knows it right now. I just hate when he is hurting. how twisted is that? I do want him to be okay. I (almost) wish I could give him what he wants...my friendship. but I can't. maybe down the road, but not right now. I'm taking care of me, not him.
carrie, nice to meet you...looking forward to meeting you irl in a couple of weeks.
I had an okay w/o. well, not really...was able to do weights at least. my knee was acting up so no cardio. doesn't that make me sound old? lol. but its something I've been dealing with since I had surgery on it when I was 17. I know well enough if I rest it today, tomorrow I'll be fine, where if I push it today, I won't be able to do anything for a week.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
okay, just did something for me. made a facial appt for tomorrow while the kids are in school. I need it. just for the pampering aspect of it...I need to do something for me. I think I need a break in the worst way, need to stop juggling and just feel taken care of for a minute (or an hour).
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
First off, sorry for everything that you've been through over the past while. Been watching, but not posting.
Not sure whether I'd do you any good or not. Let me address this in a slightly different order than you posted it.
I'm guessing this is probably not a good idea, so I'm trying to hold off. but I want to.
I guess that depends on what your objective is, and what his motivations REALLY ARE when he's crying, prying at you for details about you....
okay, someone stop me. I want to e-mail him in the worst way.
Ultimately, you apply the 24/48 hour rule. And at the same time, you ask the question "Is this likely to bring me closer to my goal or further away from it?"
This, of course, depends on some incomplete information, i.e. whether he's really reaching out, opr whether he'd see your email as needy, clingy... whatever. You can't know his thoughts/motivations, but you're the one in the best position to know for sure.
I want to tell him that I hope he's okay...I want to tell him I'll always want him to be okay. that I do care about him. that I wish I could be more "normal" with him. that I hate us being apart and distancing myself from him.
Two things about this:
1) Do you think that he already knows this, and if so, why would he need to hear it again?
2) Ask yourself whether you are detaching or withdrawing?
Where I'd define withdrawl as disengaging from him to protect yourself emotionally (withholding support he may be asking for, for instancce) and detachment is simply not being as emotionally affected by him and his actions.
