There will come a time you'll wish you had your son on weekends. When she's taking him to his activities and celebrating afterwards you'll wish you could take him. Weekends aren't all about playtime...it's about serious quality time. I don't know what age your son is, but mine are busy most weekends with sports and such and I don't like the feeling of watching a swim meet and then just saying bye and leaving them. It makes me not feel like a parent. I'm sure that is just my problem and perception, but I wouldn't dismiss the importance of that time. It's great to take them to their sports or whatever activity and afterwards, when they've done well or at least feel proud of themselves, you get the time afterwards to share it with them. But, you work things out for what's best for your child, yourself, and your spouse and make the most of that time.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Try to minimize trading her back and forth. Even for a four year old every other weekend and at least one overnight per week should be the minimum you should consider. You should alternate holidays, school breaks and break the summer up. You should also be permitted a week or 10 days continuous period once per year for out of town vacation.
You can specify a schedule now until daughter turns say five or six. One possibliity would be mid-week, say Tue and/or Wed night and every other weekend, to include Fri and Sat nights. Check this link for further ideas.
After 5 or 6, get more time. That is when to specify 50-50. I live in AL so 50-50 is rare (mother has the upper hand unless something is amiss). I get 40-60: My kids are slightly older (D6, S10). I get them every Thurs from after school until Fri morning and every other weekend from Thurs after school until Mon morning. I get Fall break week, the week before and including Christmas or the week after Christmas to include New Year (alternates even-odd years), alternate Thanksgiving, alternate all other holidays. I get them the month of June where she gets my normal schedule and I get 10 straight days vacation.
Believe me, 40% sucks. And so does 50%. What your stbxW is proposing really, really sucks. It is not good for your daughter and since I am assuming you want to be a fully involved parent, it really sucks for you too.
Other things to specify:
· Specific pick-up and drop-off times. · How to handle birthdays - the child's and yours. · Periods of notice required for choosing summer vacation time with the children. · Notification of where the child will be when out of town. · Agreements for parents to try to accommodate each other if the parents must travel out of town on business or are otherwise not able to be with the children for a designated period. · Agreements to share or provide copies of school and medical records (federal law requires that both parents have access to school records unless a court orders otherwise). · Agreements to notify the other parent of teacher conferences, athletic events, and other events involving the child. · Agreements for the parents to consult with each other and agree about what extra-curricular activities the child will be involved in. · Agreements to make the child available for special events regardless of the custody or visitation schedule--for example, to make the child available for family weddings, reunions,and funerals. · Agreements to allow the child telephone contact with the other parent (times and frequency could be specified). · Agreements to not interfere with (or to perhaps encourage) the child’s relationship with the other parent. · Agreements to notify the other parent of change in address, telephone number, or employment.
The list goes on; these are just the highlights. Do your homework or you will get screwed.
I have been looking at getting into a house. I am kind of excited. I found an amazing house, amazing deal about a half mile from W's house and I said, no! Her whole family lives in the same general vicinity and I don't want to have to deal with running into them or have her snooping on me. Now that I have really taken time to reflect on my life, I have bent over backwards to do anything to please her. I was never able to be myself. Never able to always be honest because I didn't want to have to argue or put up with her insecurity. My parents and family have noticed that I have been really happy and just being myself. I like to be sarcastic and tease from time to time or quite often and I could not do that around W. I could not be friendly to everyone and say hi to even my little sister's friends. She would get all jealous.
Interesting than happened. Well she filed back in early June. Kept dragging my feet. I finally gave her the changes that I want and came to a conclusion that this is time for me to drop the burden of dealing with her. She has never accepted anything and that is her fault. All she does is blame me for EVERYTHING. Well, lately, I get D4 and I give her (D4) 100% of my attention when I pick her up and drop her off. I don't even look at W or say hi. Monday night I put D4 into her car and gave her a big hug and kiss and said good bye. I then turned around and started to get into my car. W said, see that is what I mean. I turned around and said, what? She said, you always tell people that I am not nice to you and that I treat you like crap. I then told her that I have always been nice to her even with her wanting to end the marriage. And all this got me was being treated worse. I told her that I am through and moving on. I then told her that it sucks that this happened and we can't change the past. I told her that she needs to let go of what I did in the past and just forget it. I told her that I am not bitter. I am just done. She had tears flowing all down her face. I then said bye and left. To be honest, it felt kind of good to see her crying and feeling miserable. She created this mess and now she needs to deal with it! I tried and tried and it wasn't enough to satisfy her. She now can live in her misery and deal with D asking for me to spend the night or for Jesus to bring her daddy back home. I think she has a lot of guilt because she KNOWS that our marriage wasn't that bad. Sure, we had minor issues that caused big problems, but if ths is how she responds when things get rough by running away and ending our marriage, that sounds like a personal problem.
Any suggestions on her being emotional? Think she is REALLY done?
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
My situation is the same. My ex has an endless supply of angry. I don't know when she'll get over it. Our D was final the end of August. She doesn't remember one positive thing from the 12 yrs that we were married. I hope we can eventually work things out.
As far as the settlement goes:
It obviously depends on what state you live in. I'm not too big on divorce lawyers. I think they're basically law school flunkies that really know how to take advantage of people. My advice is to find a really good attorney that will look over your paperwork and give you good advice. Make sure you have everything in order if you have a final hearing. You'll be light years ahead of most lawyers. Give them a retainer and they'll burn it up writing letters, making phone calls and come asking for more. Also, I'm sure that any initial custody arrangements will set precedent for future arrangements. Most of the state statutes are online.
As far as reconciliation goes:
You sound pretty angry too. I know the only time that I'll have a chance with my ex is if I can ever forgive her parents. They are extremely difficult people. Really judgmental and negative. I never got along with them, but in hindsight should have let a lot of it slide. I think it played a big part of my divorce.
