A lot has happened in 3 months since I have been working to take control of my life. I will post later on everything that has happened.
I am in a situation right now. My marriage is over. My wife and I attended conciliation counseling and there is no saving our marriage AT ALL! She wants to handle the D outside of court. I have her papers and she seems somewhat 'fair'.
She is requesting Joint Legal Custody. I want both Joint Legal and Physical Custody. I have not yet approached her with this concept. I did tell her that as she gets older, I want more time to where we are eventually 50/50. I have a two bedroom apartment so that she can have her own bedroom and have two residences. She said that she didn't want to have 50/50 because we can do that in the future and she said that she doesn't know what type of lifestyle I will be living (Again trying to CONTROL me). I do and will continue to have my daughter on my medical, dental, and vision insurance. She has been waiting on me for a looooong time to look over the docs and sign them. I have been dragging my feet. I am at the point to where I realize that I want to just get this over with and move on with my life. Maybe things will work out for us in the future, but she will need to open her eyes and see the part that she played in this debacle. She continue to blame me. I keep banging my head against a wall when I seek approval, or any kind of positive statement from her. All I hear is that you were never there with us, you golfed, you never went to my families birthday parties, you never went to bed with us, blah, blah! She constantly brings up the last 11 years of our relationship and fuel for her anger. It is funny. Every time that I see her, she NEVER looks happy. She is always looking sad or moody about something. I am baffled by the questions from D4 that I get when my phone rings. 'Daddy, who was that? Was it a boy or a girl?' The other night I was at a friend's house and D4 called me and we talked for 40 minutes with me being outside. I got these weird questions: (Wife was in the same room close to her by the phone) D4 - Daddy where are you? Me - At a friend's house. D4 - What are you doing? Me - Watching Along Came Polly. D4 - What is your friend's name? Me - Changed the subject. Irrelevant D4 - Is it a boy or girl? Me - Changed the subject. Irrelevant D4 - Are you spending the night at your friend's house. Me - No.
I then turned around the conversation to talk about what we are going to do when I see her this weekend. I felt these questions are VERY odd for a 4 year old to just start asking. Oh, get this. I get a call from my W complaining about the papers. She said, "I can't believe you are spending the night girl's houses and hanging out with them." I said, whoa, what are you talking about? She then proceeded to go on a tirade complaining about what a bad person I am. I then asked her why she always speaks so negative about me. She said that it makes her feel better. Real Mature. After that, she said I screwed up for 11 years ALL the time and there is nothing wrong with her.
Any advice on anything that I should include in the papers. Everything seems pretty standard. W tried to slip something past me with her claiming D4 EVERY TAX YEAR. I told her that is going to change. She said, no. Then talked to her atty and now is okay with rotating years. We still need to figure out the holidays. She is trying to get all of the holidays the rest of this year and next year.
What are the pros of having Joint Legal and Physical custody? Any other suggestions?
Thanks! OneWish
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
Don't settle now with the expectation that you can get more visitation later. This is the time to do it. Why are these just 4-8:00? Can't you have her overnight? Joint legal custody, in my opinion, isn't worth squat. It will give you the ability to see what's going on at school, etc, but she pretty much can do whatever she pleases.
I personally think you might consider language to protect you from her moving away. Say, needs your permission to leave the state or move more than 50 miles away...something like that.
I do believe it makes her feel better to beat up on you. Plus, she actually believes that you are a bad guy. I would try to get off the phone with her as soon as she starts that b.s.
If you really want joint physical custody (which I suggest you request....and get a lawyer if you don't have one), you should be above reproach until the D goes through. Your wife might actually be jealous, but she could also be digging up dirt on you so be careful.
Those are just thoughts off the top of my head.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
First off, your W sounds just like mine. Of course we are to blame and they are not. Of course they never look happy. They are doing the best they can to justify their actions to themselves.
Regardless of how they feel, the divorce is business - nothing more and nothing less.
See a lawyer tomorrow if you have not.
The custody thing needs to be worked out NOW. My lawyer told me it is almost impossible to modify a custody schedule later on. Of course each state is different that is why you need a lawyer. You have to get the holiday and summer stuff worked out. How about weekends? In Alabama, ages three and up use the same schedule and provides the non-custodal parent much more time than you outline. Other states it is age five. Do an internet search on this - tons of stuff and tons of suggested schedules that are tailored to the child - not to the mom who wants to dump the dad.
It is all about the child - not her or you.
Your lifestyle has little to do with anyhting unless you are breaking the law, have addictions, are mentally ill or violent. Again, check with a lawyer. Just b/c you see other women is no reason for W to withhold your child. She will just have to get over it, even though she wishes otherwise you are still the dad and you have rights.
Believe me, if it were not for the court ordered visitation schedule I am under, my former W would never give me time with my kids. So protect yourself. She thinks she owns the kids and I would not put it past her to "use" them against me. Thus my legal papers are sooooo important!
Joint Legal and Physical Custody is a joke. The bottom line is that one parent usually has the final say in things and that parent is ususally the one with the most time with the kids. The "joint" custody stuff is there to make the Father's lobby feel better but in practice it means little really. You can have input into stuff but it best be clearly spelled out now.
Finally, if your W is using your daughter to "spy" you best call her on it. That is so wrong on so many levels. Partition the court to intervene if you have to. In my county, the judge will order family counseling if need to protect the kids from such things.
Wow according to what you showed for a custody agreement she has 90 percent and you get table scraps!!! She seems to have taken you to the cleaners on that issue. Do you want to spend time with your daughter? because with this agreement you will not. Also do expect your wife to be reasonable when the daughter gets older....the minute you sign this custody agreement without some written addendums stating leter the time will be more even, you will have to go to court to change it. Get a lwayer to look at this!!!
If she has her the majority of the time then ask for as much time as you can when you are free to have her, i.e. weekends, days off etc.. Example I have my S all the time, my wife gets to be with him on the weekends (she works 8-5 M-F) I will even allow her to take him after she gets off work if I do not have anything planned with him.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
I will even allow her to take him after she gets off work if I do not have anything planned with him.
You see why you need everything in writing? See how he wrote, "I will even allow" and "if I do not have anything planned with him?" Those with custody seem to talk as though time with the kids is a gift they are giving the non-custodial parent. You need all the visitation you can get IN WRITING. How long before those that are "allowing" suddenly aren't doing so and then there is nothing legal that says you can have visitation. Get overnight visitation every other weekend (Friday night through monday morning) and at least overnight one or two nights a week. Don't leave it up to the good graces of your spouse or only when they have nothing planned. Your spouse can very easily say, "we have plans" whenever she's pissed off.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I will even allow her to take him after she gets off work if I do not have anything planned with him.
You see why you need everything in writing? See how he wrote, "I will even allow" and "if I do not have anything planned with him?" Those with custody seem to talk as though time with the kids is a gift they are giving the non-custodial parent. You need all the visitation you can get IN WRITING. How long before those that are "allowing" suddenly aren't doing so and then there is nothing legal that says you can have visitation. Get overnight visitation every other weekend (Friday night through monday morning) and at least overnight one or two nights a week. Don't leave it up to the good graces of your spouse or only when they have nothing planned. Your spouse can very easily say, "we have plans" whenever she's pissed off.
Unlike Nugget, I would definitely not go for an arrangement where your spouse gets all the weekends. When they are in school, your spouse gets all the decent time and you get all the school nights.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
As Just_Me stated you do need to get it in writing. That is obvious, at least I hope so.
His roll and my roll are reversed. His wife has your D the majority of the time. I have my S the majority of the time. My point is he should try to get all the visitation time he can get whenever he is available (yes and in writing), similar to what my wife has. My wife did not request the week nights so it was not put into our divorce decree. She requested Fri 6 p.m. to Sun 9 p.m. If you have weekends of use those days for visitation. If you work weekends and have days off during the week take those days. If you can get more then by all means take ever second she will agree to. I personally like to have my son during the weekdays. It allows me to be more involved with his life and his day to day growth. I am involved in all his school work and what kind of little boy he is becoming. My wife gets him on the weekends, which is just play time for him. I personally would much rather be the parent, roll model, teacher, then his playmate. But that is me.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
