A lot has happened in 3 months since I have been working to take control of my life. I will post later on everything that has happened.
I am in a situation right now. My marriage is over. My wife and I attended conciliation counseling and there is no saving our marriage AT ALL! She wants to handle the D outside of court. I have her papers and she seems somewhat 'fair'.
She is requesting Joint Legal Custody. I want both Joint Legal and Physical Custody. I have not yet approached her with this concept. I did tell her that as she gets older, I want more time to where we are eventually 50/50. I have a two bedroom apartment so that she can have her own bedroom and have two residences. She said that she didn't want to have 50/50 because we can do that in the future and she said that she doesn't know what type of lifestyle I will be living (Again trying to CONTROL me). I do and will continue to have my daughter on my medical, dental, and vision insurance. She has been waiting on me for a looooong time to look over the docs and sign them. I have been dragging my feet. I am at the point to where I realize that I want to just get this over with and move on with my life. Maybe things will work out for us in the future, but she will need to open her eyes and see the part that she played in this debacle. She continue to blame me. I keep banging my head against a wall when I seek approval, or any kind of positive statement from her. All I hear is that you were never there with us, you golfed, you never went to my families birthday parties, you never went to bed with us, blah, blah! She constantly brings up the last 11 years of our relationship and fuel for her anger. It is funny. Every time that I see her, she NEVER looks happy. She is always looking sad or moody about something. I am baffled by the questions from D4 that I get when my phone rings. 'Daddy, who was that? Was it a boy or a girl?' The other night I was at a friend's house and D4 called me and we talked for 40 minutes with me being outside. I got these weird questions: (Wife was in the same room close to her by the phone) D4 - Daddy where are you? Me - At a friend's house. D4 - What are you doing? Me - Watching Along Came Polly. D4 - What is your friend's name? Me - Changed the subject. Irrelevant D4 - Is it a boy or girl? Me - Changed the subject. Irrelevant D4 - Are you spending the night at your friend's house. Me - No.
I then turned around the conversation to talk about what we are going to do when I see her this weekend. I felt these questions are VERY odd for a 4 year old to just start asking. Oh, get this. I get a call from my W complaining about the papers. She said, "I can't believe you are spending the night girl's houses and hanging out with them." I said, whoa, what are you talking about? She then proceeded to go on a tirade complaining about what a bad person I am. I then asked her why she always speaks so negative about me. She said that it makes her feel better. Real Mature. After that, she said I screwed up for 11 years ALL the time and there is nothing wrong with her.
Any advice on anything that I should include in the papers. Everything seems pretty standard. W tried to slip something past me with her claiming D4 EVERY TAX YEAR. I told her that is going to change. She said, no. Then talked to her atty and now is okay with rotating years. We still need to figure out the holidays. She is trying to get all of the holidays the rest of this year and next year.
What are the pros of having Joint Legal and Physical custody? Any other suggestions?
Thanks! OneWish
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
In regards to the D, do not agree to anything less then what you want. It is much more difficult to change the decree once it is signed by the judge. Make the changes you want before it gets filed.
On another note, the things your wife says seems to really get under your skin. I truly understand how it can, but you can't let it. You need to detach from her and her comments.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
In regards to the D, do not agree to anything less then what you want. It is much more difficult to change the decree once it is signed by the judge. Make the changes you want before it gets filed.
I do not support the D. I realize that at this point, there is nothing that I can do. Maybe in the future we will have a future. I am carefully making the changes that I want. W keeps getting mad at me because I have been taking forever. She makes threats that she will call her atty and say this is contested. She never follows through. I will get my changes made this week.
Quote:
On another note, the things your wife says seems to really get under your skin. I truly understand how it can, but you can't let it. You need to detach from her and her comments.
YOu are right, I need to just stop reacting. At times, she'll send me a text that pisses me off and I'll call her back to argue my point or try to make her understand...I know, I know...Stupid on my part. I will continue to work on detaching and stop reacting to her.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
I know you don't want the D. But, if she is set on doing it then your hands are tied. But don't allow your strong opposition of it detear you from getting what you want of it in the end. If she is willing to accomplish it with out any atty. involved then go with the flow. If atty, get involved it will become a big mess.
A "D" is only a piece of paper. And in this piece of paper it does not say that there is no love between you. It does not say that you can not remarry. It does not say that you can't get along.
Honestly, rom what I read in your posts about your wife and her behavior, she stills loves you. She is just unsure about your love for her. Not from you lack of you telling her, but from your lack of you showing her. If she did not love you she would not be all up in your business and continually reminding you about everything you have done. She would simple just move on and not speak to you.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Nice to hear from you, despite the circumstances. I'm sorry to see that this is where you're at -- it seems that W still hasn't done any work on herself. Until she does, I don't think you would want to have her back anyway, would you? No matter what you do to change, she still needs to deal with her issues, and a new R with her old issues will not work out in the long run. I know that you know that, but I'm just reinforcing this truth. Like Nugget said -- you need to stop reacting and DETACH from her in all emotional ways possible so she can begin to miss you. My DB coach said that once the LBS truly detachs -- TRULY DETACHES -- that is when the WAS actually begins to miss them and want them back. She needs to really miss you -- you AND your attention. Your reactions to her shows her attention (neg or pos), and she needs to feel you being indifferent before she will begin to reflect on herself (if she has any desire to have you back). This is just my opinion coupled with my DB coaches' advice, but I think it makes sense. Of course, continue being pleasant, but do not show any weakness toward her in any way. Every negative thing that comes from her gets indifference from you as a response. Water off a duck's back, right?
Now, regarding the custody question -- it's been a while since I've discussed this with my atty, but I believe it simply gives you 50/50 rights in ALL aspects of your child's life. I would either call an atty and see about a free consultation regarding this question, or go to a Divorce website for your state and read up on the law there. Sorry I couldn't be of more help to you with this question. Something I was just now thinking might be that joint "legal" might have to do with doctor/dental issues, school issues, tax issues, etc, and joint "physical" might have to do with who has them more (they get more right to them) and where their primary address is. Also, if one parent has primary "physical," they might be able to move them where ever they want (or with more ease). Not sure on all of this, but it kind of makes sense to me. Again, just try to read up on it or get a D atty's advice.
Hope this gets better for you One Wish -- it was nice to hear back from you since it's been a while. These people from the DB grave keep popping up recently... .
I agree that her behavior also sounds like she still loves you. She sounds like she is jealous and controlling and wants to punish you. Sorry, but that is not cold apathy. That sounds like someone who wants attention and needs to rebuild a lot of trust.
I do believe your D4 sounds insecure about your whereabouts, but that is not odd at all. Oprah will have a show onkids and divorce this week. watch it. Kids sense a lot of anxiety even without being told a single word about OP or friendsof opposite gender.
They may even her about in day care or see it in a Santa Clause movie?? My D6 feels the sadness of her parents marrying step parents. Disney has shown the theme of wicked step parents replacing the real parents so it can be scary of kids sense Mommy and Daddy do not love each other. This may be non DB but do you tell the kids that you will always love their Mommy? Is that something we are not supposed to do? My D6 asks me that, "Do I still love Daddy or do I hate him?" My S2 always answeres form, "Mommy hate Daddy." They see a lot more than we let on.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
A lot has happened in 3 months since I have been working to take control of my life. I will post later on everything that has happened. ... Any advice on anything that I should include in the papers.
OneWish.. why are you even here?
your last thread, seemed to end with, your wife being willing to look into counselling, but you not apparently even caring becuase you were too busy "getting a life".
now you're busy spending days "at a friend's house", but you wont admit to your daughter, OR US, whether it is a woman or not. (no, despite your protestations, it is NOT "irrelevant")
Seems like you've "GAL"'d yourself into a new 'gal'friend.
if so, then I repeat my question: Why are you here? you want a divorce to pursue your new girlfriend... so go talk to a "divorce support" group, or a lawyer, not a marital support group.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
A lot happened during the past three months that not everyone knows about. I was working on myself and detaching. NO I was not at a girl's house. I didn't say anything because she is not priveleged to any information regarding my life. Why don't you find out more info before you start making judgements. Part of my GAL is to focus on myself and what makes me happy. Get to the core of I am in charge of my own happiness and now dwelling on the board. I have a lot of new friends and I keep busy all the time. My W is always trying to dig for information and I have chosen to not entertain her. Your assumptions are asinine.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
I'll get right down to the meat and potatoes since we go back so far and all .
Have you checked that bitterness meter lately? It is understandable. I know all the work you did before and how happy you were to seemingly have busted your divorce, only to find that your wife was still a spoiled brat that never did intend to look at her own contributions to the state of your relationship. Yep. It would make anyone bitter. Check that, though. You will not get where you need to be in YOUR life, if you don't.
The whole 50/50 thing so many people try to do on this board is, in my opinion, completely self-serving. It's your last attempt to stick it to the woman that didn't lift so much as a finger in the end to help save your family. But do you know who ends up paying? The child. If your wife has primary physical custody you would get her every other weekend and a night or two during the week. That is standard and it is the suckiest part of a divorce HOWEVER, pressing for anything more is too stressful on the kids and I have seen enough to know it's the truth, not just my passing opinion. After working in two law firms dealing with family law, the kids that ended up the most jacked up emotionally and mentally were the ones who had a parent insisting on 50% custody. Like it or not, that is reality. Might be easy when they're 4 but you simply have to put the kid first when she starts school. We represent a man right now who is insisting on 50% custody of his son. You should see the hoops he has laid out for that boy to jump through (he calls it a "schedule") under the guise of it "just being fair". NEWSFLASH: DIVORCE AIN'T FAIR. Don't screw your kid further. Listen, her mother is enough of a headcase. She's getting the kid to ask you inappropriate questions that are quite frankly, none of her damn business after the mess she has done. You were doing great. She pulled the plug. The woman has serious issues but you having your daughter 50% of the time is just going to make her feel like a yo-yo when she should have a primary HOME, not TWO of them. She will never rest. Never be entirely at peace living out of her backpack or whatever she carries. Fight for it if you want. Think of this post 10 years from now, though. 50-50 only works in the RAREST of cases and that is with parents that get along with one another. I don't see that happening any time soon in your case based on what I have read.
Alrighty then. That's my unsolicited advice. I know things are bad now and it is likely to be you once again that has to swallow your pride and give in...don't do it for the wife. Do it for your daughter.
.