I have a ton to write, but I feel too tired to write it. Suffice it to say that H is contacting LW and hiding it. She and her BF broke up...and suddenly now they're talking again.
Initially, I was upset, but I went for a walk, spent some time meditating in the park, and got refocused. I'll be okay no matter what he chooses to do. I can't stop him anyway, so why should I make myself miserable and expend my precious time and energy on what he may or may not do?
I came to the conclusion that I'm okay, no matter what. I know that to my core. I don't need H to be happy, and if he leaves or has an affair, I'll be just fine.
That's the crux of it. Now I'm going to spend my day making myself happy.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
SD...Ugh. I'm sorry hun. I think you have a good attitude about it...however I'll add this. What do YOU choose to do?
Your husband is lying to you...again. He's going behind your back to talk to a woman and he knows this would hurt youi. Not acceptable behavior IMHO. Sometimes I think in the DB world we can become a little too accepting of bad behavior.
Obviously I would say take your time, think it through, etc. But I'm doubtful that ignoring this is the right decision.
SD...Ugh. I'm sorry hun. I think you have a good attitude about it...however I'll add this. What do YOU choose to do?
Obviously I would say take your time, think it through, etc. But I'm doubtful that ignoring this is the right decision.
Ah, now that's the million dollar question, Scott. The answer right now is I don't know.
I do know that this situation is on top of some other things that I *am* directly addressing. I've asked several times for what I need to feel emotionally connected and loved...in and out of marriage counseling, and it's even posted on our refrigerator door. I'm not getting the physical touch or verbal affirmations I need...and so when H pounces on me, my body shuts down completely. If he hugs or kisses me, I automatically tense up because I know he's initiating sex...and what he continues to make excuses for not giving me what I requested.
I'm not trying to be crude, but right now the thought of having sex with him makes me feel like a whore. Sick to my stomach. I'm supposed to be eager to be physical with someone who won't even do a little work to help me feel loved? I don't want to be a f*ck, I want to be adored and desired in and out of the bedroom.
H didn't even get me a birthday present this year...postponed it due to funds, but now we're a month away and still nothing. Do you know that one of the reasons he dropped the bomb on me was because I did the same thing? Was deathly ill during his birthday, then dropped the ball afterwards.
So, yeah, I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that I'm generally happier alone than with him. I don't dislike him...but I feel my love and passion draining out of my body. I don't think I'll fight for this M if it comes to that. I just really don't care.
In the meantime, I really, really love my life. I could walk away and be okay.....
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
the million dollar question is as Scott says do you ignore this? I wold say apply your 48-hour rule. If you're anything like me you'd have a lot of anger to spill out. Better to keep it calm and controlled.
Your H's behaviour is not acceptable to you. You have asked for what you want and he has not responded (for whatever reason). I can understand you wanting to walk away... if my H started up his MLC again I'd run a mile!!!
But - the decision is do you give your H one last and final chance? Does it take REALLY spelling it out (as I have to with my H at times)?
Whatever you decide, we are all here. Keep talking.
PS - I missed your b'day! Happy birthday and if I could send you a present I would send you a giant balloon and some flowers. Plus some belgian chocs - yum!!!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Ok...so your LL isn't being met. Fair enough. Your tank is empty. And you feel unloved and used. Who wouldn't. You've expressed this to him and he has not responded. I do think that Jen is right that you really need to spell this out to him. We're guys, we're stupid. You need to be very blunt to him that if you LL is not met, you will be gone.
I know my LL is Affirmations as well and now that I have other people in my life giving me that....I feel like a million bucks. It works. And he needs to understand how much better his M will be if he can give you that.
48 Hour rule always makes sense. If for no other reason more than you'll face the conversation better...logic not emotion.
Good for you for staying focused and calm, and taking care of you. I am new to all this, and today my H blew up at me as I asked him where he was going and he didn't want to admit that he waslooking at apartments... too many more details to mention. Biggest problem, my daughter wants to see him. I know that the thing to do is "do something different"; so don't contact him. Just what to do about explaining all this to a four year old??
Thinking of you and you're doing a great job. Keep being good to yourself, be gentle to yourself. You're doing good by refocusing, etc, but if he isn't meeting your needs, IMHO, you need to point that out. Don't become that WAW w/o putting it all out on the table.
Just think the world of you girl and sorry you're hurting, but you are so strong and amazing that your life is going to be great. I know you'll handle this wonderfully!!
Ok...so your LL isn't being met. Fair enough. Your tank is empty. And you feel unloved and used. Who wouldn't. You've expressed this to him and he has not responded. I do think that Jen is right that you really need to spell this out to him. We're guys, we're stupid. You need to be very blunt to him that if you LL is not met, you will be gone.
Originally Posted By: inspiredjulie
Thinking of you and you're doing a great job. Keep being good to yourself, be gentle to yourself. You're doing good by refocusing, etc, but if he isn't meeting your needs, IMHO, you need to point that out. Don't become that WAW w/o putting it all out on the table.
Thanks Jen, Julie & Scott!
Help me here. I have said, in MC, *twice* now exactly this:
"When I do not feel emotionally connected to you, I do not want to have sex. I want to withdraw. I need these things from you to feel loved:
1. Hugs & kisses at times other than the initiation of sex; 2. ILY's at times other than before bed or leaving in the morning; 3. Other physical contact like snuggling, giving me a backrub, putting your arm around me, caressing etc. also without initiating sex; 4. I like to be told I look nice when I'm dressed up.
I feel empty, unloved and unappreciated when you don't do these things because this is the way I feel love."
The second time I brought it up I also told him how I felt like what I wanted wasn't important to him, and that made it even worse because I *had* asked for what I wanted.
All I get are excuses...tired, forget, stressed, etc. An "I'll try." I am SICK of excuses. I WON'T live in a passionless marriage. I LOVE sex....lovelovelove it, and I cannot bring myself to be intimate with him at this point. He started groping me last night and it just about made me throw up...and he just kept pushing. I probably should have told him directly no, I don't want to, but I didn't feel like having that conversation when I just wanted to go to bed.
Scott, I agree with you that boys need to be knocked over the head with things, but I don't see how I can make it any plainer. Ideas on how to do that so that he'll understand?
We went for a walk today and he said he's useless without a piece of paper in front of him to remember things....and I thought about making an index card of the four requests I've made (and which are also hanging on our refrigerator) so he can use it as a crib sheet. I still may....
Anyway, thanks for the support. I'm doing okay. I went on two long walks today (one alone, one with H), and I've hardly eaten anything. I need to lose a few pounds I've gained back, so at least there's a nice little positive out of this!
Really, I'll be okay. I just don't know how much longer I have it in me to do this. I deserve a lot more.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
SD, I know your gonna say what the hell is Ian doing in here. Well, I do follow you, just usually you don't need to hear anything I would say.
Today is a different day for me. As I read, I fealt an overwhelming sense of needing to say what I want to say to you. So here it is:
Over the past year I have watched you grow in leaps and bounds. I have watched you become this magnificant self sufficient woman. I have watched you accept your H's faults while growing yourself. I have watched you become the woman that you want to be and show incredible patience with your H in hopes that he would join you in this period of growth so that the two of you could have a strong marriage.
Now this crap, well, sorry time for me to play the role that I seem to play often around here. The role of the realist who believes that we deserve to be treated a certain way. The guy who believes that when a woman like yourself, Jules, Lissie, Fig, Joanie, I could name oh so many more, grow to be such wonderful women, you have to come to a point where you realize that your H may not ever be able to be what you need in a husband in order to lead a fulfilled life.
You have made it very clear to him what it is that you need. What he needs to work towards in order for you to be happy and grow with him. What has he done for you SD? How long do you wait for him to give a little bit?
Give a little bit Give a little bit of your love to me Give a little bit I'll give a little bit of my love to you See the man with the lonely eyes Take his hand, you'll be suprised
So i'll give a little bit I'll give a lttle bit of my life for you So give a little bit Give a little bit of your time to me Now's the time that we need to share So send a smile, we're on our way back home ooh yea yea We gotta feel it Yea yea yea yea... Ooo Don't you need to feel at home Ooo you gotta feel it Yea you gotta want to OO you gotta sing, we've come along way tonight
So give a little bit Give a little bit of your love to me I'll give a little bit I'll give a little bit of my life for you Now's the time we need to share So send a smile, we're on our way back home Yea come along too Yea we gotta feel it Cause i need to feel at home Come along too Such a long ride oo come a long way Such a long ride Come a long way Sing it tonight
Do you know this song SD? I like the goo goo dolls version myself. What it means is that it takes two. It says I am giving and I need you to give a little bit.
The thing is you can only ask for so long before you get sick and tired of being sick and tired. When do you decide that you have done your part and it is not being reciprocated in the appropriate manner?
So I have one question for you SD, what do you want to do now? How much more do you want to take? When does SD get to be loved the way that she deserves to be loved?
So here's the thing, I know that the "standers" will have a fit on me for asking you these questions, but its reality time and SD, you deserve better than what you are getting my dear. So hopefully you won't be mad at me for this post as I am not a regular on your thread, but it doesnt mean tat I don't follow you or care a great deal about you so take it for what it is. The Ian approach to DBing and keeping it real.
Ok...first off SD...it sounds like you have hit him upside the head with it pretty hard. However IMHO you need to let him know what will happen if he does not meet your needs.
Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
[quote=swashy]I am SICK of excuses. I WON'T live in a passionless marriage.
Bingo.
And one more thing. I remember you giving some advice to Carrie at one point. Basically I remember that she was having a hard time getting past her H's A and you had told her that this was for her to do...not her H. Not sure I agree with that. And if your H hasn't done that for you...I have to question if that plays into all of this for you.
If memory serves me right...Michelle even says that at some point the person who has had the A HAS to apologize for it time and time again for true healing to happen. You don't need to carry that burden too SD. That is something he needs to give you in order to be with you in my opinion. He wronged you. What kind of a world are we living in where people who commit wrongs of this magnitude do not need to at least try and make up for them.
