Hi fellow DB’ers. I’ve posted a few times about my situation. I’m in a Catch 22. I’ve read DB and have changed and am doing some 180’s. The wife has moved out so we don’t interact much at the married level. She’s filed separation docs but has given notice that if I change a reconciliation could happen.
Problem is that she still works at our business and it is the main source of conflict. Any communication is an opportunity for her to unwind, go over the past, criticize and blame. I apologize, don’t get angry, listen but I have to move forward with decisions in the business with her or without. And I can’t do right. If she left the biz, I could replace her immediately, but it is such a part of her life, she won’t let go and has threatened that I should “clean out the rest of my things at the house” if that happens. Plus, she owns half the business and has threatened to put the kyboshes on the bank accounts, thus strangling our business capital needs if she is out. I am left having to deal with a completely irrational, hurt and hyper sensitive woman.
My GAL activities have helped, but my 180 Activities are limited as are my Giving Space abilities. If I don’t tell her what is going on at the biz, I am being disrespectful. If I tell her what is going on, she finds fault and accuses me of making bad decisions, dragging up past transgressions. She is totally depressed and any communication with her is very difficult. I am keeping upbeat as well as possible.
I am in a Catch 22 of what seems like epic proportions. I can’t use the DB tools that I know would work. Do I sever the business relationship and pay the consequences? Do I work painfully work through trying to include her in the biz which she desperately wants but is emotionally incapable of handling, hoping that she will eventually make the decision to leave or read the DB in time to make her own 180’s? Do I recommend the book? (I shudder at her reaction).
There was never any precipitating event to cause our parting, just accumulated business and decision making stresses. I work at the office, and her from home, part of the problem.
It seems strange that she would just unwind, go over the past, criticize and blame, at any given time when you talk to her about the business??? I would think there has to be something that is causing it to come up??? I she justified in her actions or are the warranted??? Does she trust you??? Does she trust your abilities to make decisions on your own???
If she is 50/50 partner then she needs to be included in all aspects of the operations of the business. If you can not both come to a happy medium and keep your personal lives out of the day to day operations of the business, then one of you has to leave the business.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
She does not trust me at all. Even though the business is down substantially from the past, it is due to our inability to be together as a team, highlighted byu different ideology in running the business, or should I say "perceived" ideology. She won't come to the office to work, to attend planning meetings, and argues over every decision that she is't included in even though she won't participate unless it involves her realm (graphics). She has threatened that if she leaves, it means divorce, and she will financially impede the operation of the business because the operating capital is 50% hers also. She can't get the biz because she has the house and all its equity, and her portion of the biz is worth about the same as the house. I wish I could practice DB principals, but surrounding the biz, it is a no-win situation. Arggg!
Wow, the thread name says it all, that's a doosy. Obviously, I only know what you've told me but it sounds like she's being a little unreasonable when it comes to the business, almost cutting off her nose to spite her face kind of thing if she's willing to sink the company over your personal issues. I assume since you have an office somewhere that you have at least one employee, correct? If so, does W like that person? Because what she's threatening goes well beyond you two and impacts anyone who works for you. That would be a special kind of selfish to sink a business just to spite a spouse knowing that it would put some people who trusted you out of work. She doesn't care enough about you to care what happens to you professionally but maybe she cares enough about your employees.
You may have a professional problem but marriage and divorce is made up of financial ties so I do not see how DB principles will not work unless you find letting go of control is a 180 that is beyond your power. If your R is the priority then the business is second no matter what. Let go of control or use a mediator for professional communication. If that seems too much of a conflict, let it go. If you divorce the business is lost anyways.
Many of us in DB land have financial binds with our spouses. That is the nature of legal marriages. We accrue equity, life insurance, tax breaks, college funds, retirement, together as a unit. I have heard of divorces being busted just based on these financial issues alone!
I feel your pain. My H was to take over our family business this year along with another house. He had trained for takeover for two years. It becomes an extremely codependent R when you co-own a family business. I am now taking over his previous job in this business. This is not what I went to college for!!
You are right. DB ing is a Catch 22 because something always feels like a sacrafice, like a lose/lose. But it is not. You must let go of a lot of control and have no expectations. In the long run, if you save your marriage whatever you sacrafice would have been lost in a divorce so why not roll up your sleeves and switch gears. Some people may have to do real 180's, like move or downsize, give up a certain lifestyle, do soul searching. I am sure she does want to lose the business either but sometimes codependency is like an addiction and we think we cannot live without something that is actually hurting us.
I know my H's role in our family business was one of the driving forces behind our separation. He felt like a slave to the business with no real say in how it was run. He was surrounded by people who he did not respect. The hours kept us apart most days. Plus, his affair was started at the business. People dissatisfied in their work place may find an emotional attachment to someone at work who "Understands them" better.
Be supportive of her 100%. I am sure she does care about you. She just needs to know you respect her and her role. Agree with everything she says. Practice parrot listening. Show her that you trust and value her work. Do it.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Thanks for great advice. I guess I still believe that if we divorce that I can still can get the business even it she interferes. It would be real ugly though. Tried suggesting a business mediator, but she won't go for that. I suggested that I leave the biz to save the marriage but my first step at leaving, making her president was shortly followed with her asking me to move out, then getting an attorney. Some progess.
I know she doesn't want to lose the business and she wants to support the employees, so I need to figure out how to give up control yet still steer the business since she refuses to work from the office, an imperative for one of us, and she won't think about business planning beyond the first 3 of 44 projects in our current business plan. I registered for a tradeshow which I thought we had agreed on, and I was accused of draining the bank accounts; hardly.
Agreeing with her - I can do that. Parroting, trusting, valuing, yes. Giving up control is going to be the trick. Wonder if I can leverage the employees on that one? How to run a business without being in control. My conundrum. Any reading or advise out there from the community? Exasperatingly so, CanChange
This is a whole balance thing. She loves the biz and the employees, but can't stand me right now. I need to get back on her good side but I can do no right. If I could make some space, I think healing would happen, but there is a lot of pressure right now with an audit, network problems, key accounts and employees demanding new products, projects overdue. We're up sh*ts creek unless we can be civil and work together. It feels overwhelming at times... CanChange
Let me get some more insight from you before I give you my .02.
1. How involved is she with the business? 2. In comparison how involved are you with the business? 3. Do you guys still live together? 4. If so what are your interactions like at home? 5. Does she get heated with you when you discuss other things besides the business or only when the business is brought up? 6. Does she feel as an equal with you with the business? Or inferior?
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Read DR pronto. Listen to Light Her Fire by Dr. Ellen, then write down some goals that you can achieve. Goals that will rebuild trust in your R away from the business or not.
Then write down some 180's that she can see. If you are usually aggressive, turn it into the one who needs some leadership or advice. If you are the one who takes orders then start to be more independent. 180. Chart the progress. If it works, then count it as status quo and do not waiver. Be patient if you do not see postive results because she may think the changes are just a way to get her to come back.
Try to stay in the same dwelling so she can see the changes more immediately. You can even show the 180's whilst at work, I suppose.
Sounds like the business is your baby and you are a couple that cannot agree on how to discipline and raise the kids! Of course it is impossible to drop all obligations in family and business so rememberto take care of yourself and your home and your business.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
1. For years she has been the graphics person, worked from home. I ran the business, made all the decisions, got her approval on the major ones, got her input on anything design and graphics related. 2. I work at the office and run the show. Have for 10+ years. I'm a go getter. She decided my personality is too driving for her. 3. Not living together. Legal separation, 1 yr from finalization. 5. Besides work, she gets heated on any issues related to separation, career, items that bring up past episodes of my disrespect to her. Disrespect has grown to mean anytime that I did not include her on decisions, even though she bowed out of most planning meetings. 6. She complains constantly that I make all the decisions and she is treated like a serf. Thus my catch 22.
I would like to forget about the business and focus on the marriage. And I guess we could liquidate everything and sell the business, but that will not assure the marriage continues. The biz is too much part of her personae now.
I think I need a DB coach. Have people out there had much success with them?
