Ok, guys and gals, my last thread locked, so here we go again. I added a little to my subject line, b/c I had to face the facts...as some pointed out to me....that I am still a WAW in my heart/brain. So, that is where I am and still here in the SSM forum trying to take baby steps in recovering from not a "dry period" of no sex.....but over a decade of no sex....longer than most of you have been married. It is hard to say the very least.
If I can encourage any of you to avoid any of the stupid things I've done and the mistakes my H made.....I'll do whatever I can. In the meantime, I am at work myself. I am here every day reading and throwing my thoughts around. Feel free to ask anything you want. I may not have answers, but I usually have MHO.....lol.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The "heart" of a WAW....hummm. That came into focus just moments ago. Those of you who have followed my stitch know that I have Fibromyaglia, chronic fatigue, depression, back pain and all that good stuff.......ok, well on top of all that is allergies, which is not that big of a deal to most people, but it just adds to the misery that one has to deal with in all this other "poop". The past several weekends I have not been able to do anything due to pain, etc. Missed the first two days of work this past week and here it is the weekend and of course I feel miserable....again. It takes every ounce of energy I have to get to work....stay there until quitting time....come home and collapse. The house work begins to pile up and that bothers me a lot....especially when anyone comes over unexpected. My mother was a fananic housekeeper....and her mother before her...so guess it may have something to do with that...but anyway back to my subject.
My H "appears" to be in a bad mood. I say "appears", b/c he does not talk, so I have to do a lot of guess work. I know he would like for me to be full of life and feel great and ready to do whatever he would like to do. Now, mind you, he never had an origianl idea other than go into town and look around at Walmart, go out and eat.....and for really big celebrations...get a motel. That is the limit of his brain storms. However, I don't feel like doing that and I feel guilty when he "appears" to be put out at me laying around (well, I'm not laying, but you know what I mean.)
As he started out the door, I asked him to pick up my prescriptions at the pharmacy when he left. He said, "You need to get out in this nice weather before the rain sets in." My reply was, "It is this nice weather that has my allergies acting up." So, out the door he goes and I'm thinking.......there we go again....he doesn't understand and he never will.
Do you know why I had an EA? I don't think it had anything to do with the lack of sex in my M at all! It was the lack of emotional fulfillment and emotional connection with my H. The OM "appeared" to be compassionate. Of course, I know now that all he was wanting was to get in my panties, but that was what I was willing to do at the time the EA was going on. The OM was just "building up" to the time we could have the PA. That was the "courting" part of the R.
One of the many hard things for me as I go through the withdrawal stages from the EA is that my H still doesn't seem to "get it". I wonder if he ever will. We have been so distant for so many years.....have any of you out there been emotionally divorced for this many years and come back with a MR that had life to it? You see, even though I have determined not to contact the OM again.....when little things happen like it did a few minutes ago.....the temptation is there. That is one reaon this board has saved me, b/c I can come in here to vent to you all instead of contacting the OM to vent.
As a newcomer quoted his wife in saying, "Marriage should not have to be this hard." That is how we feel a lot of the times. Why can't it just be fun sometimes? Why can't it just be something that gives us a feeling of "life is worth living" some of the times? Why can't it be something we look forward to every day instead of wondering what we will have to deal with that 24 hours.....wondering what kind of mood the other one will be in or how hard you will have to work at the R that day.
Well, to answer my own questions.....I believe it CAN be all of that, but when we damage it so severly, it takes an awful long time and very hard work to make it healthy again. So, for all/any of you that have those great success stories, please come talk to us and tell us that it is possible and to hang in there and work hard and not quit.
I don't know how my H has hung in such a depressing R. He hasn't received much of anything out of it. I get to feeling sorry for myself and come here and invite you all to my little pity parties, but he has not had it easy by any means. Maybe that is why I feel badly that I can't seem to "throw" myself into doing a lot of "physical" things. that I would otherwise, to show him I was "trying" to make things better. By that, I mean, I would cook and keep the house nice and have people over to entertain, etc. I would be full of life and enthusiasm like I was in the early years. But that person.....well, she is still there in my heart, I think.....but it is so far down that I don't know if she will ever reappear. My health is the biggest issue......I think. It keeps me down. I have noticed when I do have just a little bit of energy that I am like a different person. I'm not as depressed and I'm happier, etc. It is easier to fight the bad days when you have some energy....even if you have pain.
So, you have figured out today is not a great day, so far. I hope that will change by tonight and I can say....."Hey guess what...the day really turned around for me". It is not always a matter of positive thinking, etc.
BTW, my son and his family have just been "kicked out" of their home, by the FIL. They thought my DIL had inherited the house and the land it was on from her grandfather and have lived there with her grandmother (and was suppose to until the grandmother died and then it would be theirs) But her dad has gambled all the grandfather's money away and has no place of his own now, so he has kicked them all out. He was given the power of attorney over the estate at the time of grandfather's death. A very long story that I won't go into.....but it is so sad and he is disabled and doesn't know what on earth they are going to do. Rent and realestate is so outragious here due to school district battles that there doesn't seem to be anything they can afford. Our little house could not begin to hold everyone.....they are a family of four. We already have one grandson living here, and we have a tiny house. Please keept them in your prayers. I am sure that has not helped my mental state today along with my physical. That is probably weighing very heavy on my H as well. But, where I would talk it out and feel better, my H keeps it bottled up inside of him. So, we don't come together and "connect" on anything.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have to wonder if your health problems are not the result of the emotional pain you've had through the years in your R. I'm convinced that healthy happy relationships can go a long way toward mitigating or preventing health problems, and conversely chronic unhappiness can precipitate health issues.
It's funny you should mention that. That C I went to see, my doctor referred me to, suggested that very thing. It was during the time I was having the EA with OM and she did not think I was doing anything all that wrong, so I didn't go back. However, she did say that my physical problems could very well stem from everything I've gone through over the years. I tend to agree, but I don't know what to do about it. I know I felt better the entire time I was involved in the EA, but people say those are "false chemicals" kicking into the system so I'm sure they are correct.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi thanks for your post on my thread. FYI I'm 38 and WAW is 40 in a few weeks. Promise to read through your thread soon. Amazing how preocupied we become!
The one question that came to mind was, when you were having the EA, were you feeling better physically as well? I remember something about you feeling really good about yourself that one day, walking out to the mailbox or something? Did you seem to have more energy more almost "will to live," etc. Could you at least try to put that same energy into your H? Or is that completely gone?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
First of all, in your affair, everything is new for both of you, so the chemicals are really flowing. Second, of course he was building an emotional connection to you. But he really is NOT looking for just an emotional connection, he wants you for sex (if he is normal). Think of it this way, everything a man does with a woman is intended to win her desire. So the new man is being lead on by you, so of course he is going to do all the wonderful things for you. But the same is NOT true for you husband, he could do anything for you and you will NOT desire him, so why should he put forth ANY effort with you?
Hey Sandi, sounds like the Lord wants your "plate" to be full, with the extra worries from outside, on top of your "inside" ones.
You can take that as a curse... or, you can use it as a blessing. These challenges, could actually be what you need to pull your marriage closer together, if you let them. ...
Quote:
He said, "You need to get out in this nice weather before the rain sets in." My reply was, "It is this nice weather that has my allergies acting up." So, out the door he goes and I'm thinking.......there we go again....he doesn't understand and he never will.
It's all about perspective. Your perspective has been less than optimal, for 40 years. You MIGHT need a daily reminder for yourself somewhere, to keep it squarely in a better direction now. Maybe to the point of wearing an extra ring or something, to have a constant visual reminder to yourself, "Look for the positive side in your husband!"
What your verbal exchange sounded like to me, was: Your husband made a considerate remark to you, in an attempt to connect with you and show interest and care about you. You chose to take that remark, ignore the positives, and find something else to resent him for. Trouble is, if you try hard enough, you will be able to find a supposed negative, in EVERYTHING your husband says or does.
You will bury your marriage forever, unless you figure out a way to make yourself stop doing that.
You have noted, many times, that your husband is very close-lipped, and also very non....activity based? That means, that even the slightest efforts in either department... is equivalent to if you had gone jogging for an hour, in terms of effort from him!
He just made an attempted effort, in both the "verbal" side, AND the "doing stuff" side... and you shut him down for it! Yet in the same post, you complain about him not "doing stuff" with you! (not to mention that YOU'RE being the stick in the mud not doing things.)
Make a pact with yourself. Promise, "from now on, I will always try to look for the positive in what my husband says, every day".
MOre on the "doing stuff" side.. you two are a "traditionally based couple", that come from a "traditional values" background. To the best of my knowlege, that means that, unfortunately, social/activity organizing is squarely on your shoulders. You are solidly planted in a "role" in your marriage: cooking, and social director
If you want to CHANGE your role a bit... there is that option... but doesnt the spirit of marriage say that it should be a jointly discussed and agreed upon change? Otherwise, how is it fair to resent your husband to be sticking to roles which you have already established?
Not to mention... he's no whacky 30 year old... he's probably not going to change THAT much anyway in that department. It's possible in theory,, but lets be realistic... if you want to go out and do more things together... that is something that you control already. Maybe instead of trying to change him (in an area that is both incredibly difficult to change, and that you already have control in that area!), you might decide to accept it, and choose to be happy that if you say, "Dear, I'd like to go do ..... together", he'll probably say, "yes dear", and you'll get to do whatever you want.
Look at the flip side: be careful what you wish for, because if he starts getting more active and choosing activities... you may end up spending every week in a swamp going duck hunting! So be happy with what you already have been blessed with
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Loved your post Dom R, very insightful! Seriously. It can really apply to a lot of us here. Thanks. It's the Power of Positive Thinking!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Sandi2 I don't know how my H has hung in such a depressing R. He hasn't received much of anything out of it. I get to feeling sorry for myself and come here and invite you all to my little pity parties, but he has not had it easy by any means. Maybe that is why I feel badly that I can't seem to "throw" myself into doing a lot of "physical" things, that I would otherwise, to show him I was "trying" to make things better.......and have people over to entertain, etc. I would be full of life and enthusiasm like I was in the early years. But that person.....well, she is still there in my heart, I think.....but it is so far down that I don't know if she will ever reappear. My health is the biggest issue......I think. It keeps me down. I have noticed when I do have just a little bit of energy that I am like a different person. I'm not as depressed and I'm happier, etc. It is easier to fight the bad days when you have some energy....even if you have pain.
Well, I have seen some of this from my side of the M.
Now, mind you, he never had an original idea other than go into town and look around at Wal-Mart, go out and eat.....and for really big celebrations...get a motel. That is the limit of his brain storms. However, I don't feel like doing that and I feel guilty when he "appears" to be put out at me lying around (well, I'm not laying, but you know what I mean.) I could give you my POV because I lived part of that situation myself. I am not here to point out what it feels like to the male/other spouse or to point out your errors. I can tell you what it was like for me, but I would rather answer specific questions if you have any.
He never had an original idea I did 2 good/considerate things for BB this weekend that she reacted negatively to both of them at first. After she calmed down I explained why I did the two things.
Maybe something similar happens in your M? If so, that could be one reason your H seems so non-creative.
For me, even having the best intentions, has a way of offending BB or it feels to me what I do, isn't good enough for her.
To avoid feeling rejected, to avoid conflicts, I do some withdrawing. I think that is a normal MO.
It is easier to fight the bad days when you have some energy....even if you have pain. BTDT some myself. Back surgery in 1981, was supposed to have it again in 1986, had several crashes since. I am doing well 95% of the time. Pain? It's "OH that pain," most of the time for me.
