I can't remember the last time I posted to this forum.
I can't remember the last time H and I ML or had sex but we have passed the one year mark - he stopped initiating during my pregnancy, hasn't initiated since and baby boy is almost 5 months old. He has made veiled references to "missing me" etc... but does nothing, shows little physical affection, no compliments nor any sexual remark. BTW - I attained my pre-preg weight by 6wks postpartum.
I can't remember the last time I initiated. I can't even remember wanting to. Oh, I'm not LD I would love a good screw (just in case you were wondering Cemar) but I don't care to deal with the whole thing.
I can't remember the last time there was a week without a catastrophe at work - about 3 weeks ago a lady I work with was killed on the job in a company car in a horrible fiery crash that wasn't her fault. About 1,000 people attended her funeral because she helped so many people - coached, taught, worked in mental health, pillar of her church etc... She wasn't married, no SO, no children. It still haunts me. There are daily other work related tragedies, personnel issues etc...
I can't remember when I last felt carefree about my health. My endocrinologist (who I acquired when my thyroid went out of whack during my pregnancy) feels that I have the autoimmune disorder called Graves disease even though I didn't require medication and my thyroid hormones righted themselves on their own. The thyroid immunoglobulin is elevated. This is a lifelong condition with some potentially serious effects and basically requires the same as all chronic conditions - good self care and monitoring (umm, ha ha, I am the mother of 4 children, work FT with a 2 hour commute, have an H that won't fcuk me - selfcare is a pretty lofty goal sometimes).
I can't remember the last time I was motivated to discuss future plans with an H who doesn't even seem cognizant of the above but who will persist in saying that he wants more children (No. This baby factory feels closed to me) and that he wants to look at buying an enormous piece of property, doing renovations and later building on it. This act would double our mortgage. I can't fathom it.
I can't remember what it was like being the cute young Mom with a first baby (he just got his Learners permit) and I am petrified that I have done my smallest son a disservice by being so freaking old when I had him. I will be 40 in November.
I can't remember the last time my 10 yo daughter acted like the little girl I remember - she has started puberty, is moody and grumpy and uses missing her Dad (who she just visited this summer for the first time in nearly 2 years)as an excuse to act out verbally and be passive-agressive in her behaviors.
I can't remember the last time I felt rested enough to fight for what I feel that I need, want or desire.
Lest anyone feel the need to call me on my "rant" I will state the positives - I am exercising. I love my work. My children are healthy, happy and thriving in their environments - school, extra-curriculars etc... H and I are getting along great in terms of parenting, spending what precious little time we have together, sharing household responsibilities, budgeting $$, and the logistics of life.
Hey K, Posting here is a start. It's good to get these thoughts out. I'm not offering any solutions, but just joining with you to say let's take it a day at a time.
On my thread there's talk about taking a " radical honesty " approach to marriage. I realize that my issue isn't honesty...I am pretty aware of my feelings and think of myself as genuine and fair...my issue is with asserting myself. It's hard for me to come out with what I know is true inside. And I have discovered that the more I can come forward and express myself, that's when things start to turn around.
Maybe it's time to talked to H...and if not, at least you're talking here.
No real words of wisdom here either but you've come to the right place. (((((( Karen))))))
I can't remember what it was like being the cute young Mom with a first baby (he just got his Learners permit) and I am petrified that I have done my smallest son a disservice by being so freaking old when I had him. I will be 40 in November.
Please don't think this is a disservice.... (we're not that old !!!) I found myself thinking this same thing when we had our youngest girl. There are times when I start slipping into this thinking but for the most part, she makes me feel even younger. Age is just a number right !
Lest anyone feel the need to call me on my "rant" I will state the positives - I am exercising. I love my work. My children are healthy, happy and thriving in their environments - school, extra-curriculars etc... H and I are getting along great in terms of parenting, spending what precious little time we have together, sharing household responsibilities, budgeting $$, and the logistics of life.
Keep doing this ! It's real easy to get caught up in the negatives. Just my personal experience talking, don't ignore them by sweeping your problmes under the rug but try not to let them become your main focus of attention. Doing so, tends to bring me down and only seems to compound the problems. Having a positive attitude doesn't make the problems go away but give you a little bit of the upper hand in dealing with them.
I don't know folks. I just don't know
Hang in there and listen to what these people on here have to say. I've stumbled my way upon here and I've received some wonderful advice.
If there was ever a time I wish I had the wisdom to know what to tell another sister female....it is now. I can't imagine being in your shoes! If anyone had a reason to be depressed, you certainly do. Has your doctor ruled that out? I'm sure you've had almost everything suggested or implied to you.
Did your H ever react like this after the birth of any of the other babies? When I began to read your post, I thought it was your first baby and so I was shocked to discover it was your fourth. Do you think he is in MLC? If I were in your shoes I would be the one in MLC.....for sure! Has there been any other signs of disinterest in the M besides not wanting sex? Not that that is not enough......I was just wonderfing if he spends a lot of time on the internet or anything like that. Any bad habits....like gambling? Just grasping at straws here.....nothing more.
Karen, sweetie, we all need to vent and especially a mother of four, new baby, full time job, etc., etc., etc.,....lordy--mercy, I don't know how you do it. It sounds like you need an extened vacaction away from the family. I know you can't do that.....but you sound so wore out...with very good reason.
Please stay in touch and let us know what is going on b/c we care and want to be here for you.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I can't remember the last time I initiated. I can't even remember wanting to. Oh, I'm not LD I would love a good screw (just in case you were wondering Cemar) but I don't care to deal with the whole thing.
What does that mean? "the whole thing".
What "thing"?
What do you envision happening, if you initiated?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
and I am petrified that I have done my smallest son a disservice by being so freaking old when I had him. I will be 40 in November.
Karen, I had my four children very young (22 - 28). I often wish I could have had one later in life as I feel I would have not made some of the serious mistakes I made then.
You did not do your newest son a disservice. The fact that you worry about that proves it is not true. Besides, they say 60 is the new 40. If so, 40 must be at least the new 25...
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
I was 40 too when I had my daughter, 38 when her brother was born. The average age of a mother (in the pre-contraception days) having her youngest child was 42. There's no need to worry. What your baby boy has which mine don't is older siblings that will fill in and do the high-energy things that young parents could do. You're a good mum Karen and you have the added benefit of experience.
As to everything else - yeah life can be pretty bleah sometimes. But you are holding a heck of a lot together right now.
Being married to an LDH sucks big time it really is hard to figure out what the heck is going through their heads. I can't quite remember but is this your first baby with your now-H? If it is maybe he's not quite sure what he should do, he couldn't handle the whole sex idea while you were pg could he? So maybe he just hasn't got his head back in the right place. I know it is a lot to deal with because of the potential rejection but I think you should initiate - he is most likely looking for some kind of clue from you.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
