Your diagnosis seems to be agreeing with my gut instinct. I'll have to think about it and do some soul searching. I think you are right, GF is taking care of the R for us. Not good.
I have only myself to blame, I told GF that I wanted to keep our R on a certain level, not too deep so fast. She said yes but she plunged deeper into the R. She asked me why I haven't told her that I love her the other day, seems she is at that stage of [censored] or get off the pot.
I'm just not ready to go down that road just yet, at least with GF. I will someday but not right now, I'm focused on too many other things that need priority. I do care about her, but telling her I love her will open a new world and I am not ready for that commitment just yet.
We did talk last night and put everything on the table, it did clear the air. I told her that since the begining I wanted to proceed slowyly, take our time, etc. She understood and told me to take my time, that she didn't want me to tell her I loved her because she pushed in that direction.
Today, I've recieved emails and phone calls from X. She's trying to bait me into conversation/arguement. I'm not taking it. I haven't checked to see what she wanted because the last email was pure BAIT and I don't want to give X the satisfaction.
I'll keep posting to vent my thoughts and ask for advice, this works alot for me. Thank you OT for the words of wisdom, you keep sniffing and seeing right through all this, keeps me honest with myself.
Thanks
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
I just looked at how many people have taken a gander at my postings and I am quite impressed. I never thought I'd have so many people checking up on me, I must make for some great entertainment. We should probably keep the newew D people off my thread since it does not promote harmony and well being after the D.
On the flip side, everyone can always point to me and my thread and say "I don't have it that bad after all, look at CabanaBoy's life."
I am flattered that so many of you have taken the time to read some of this over and thankful for you that have posted comments because I need all the help I can get to crack this cookie.
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
Hi Berto...yes...Rocky Racoon who stole food and stared point blank at his victims
I agree with OT. Another thought: because you ARE detaching from the ex, and are sitting on the proverbial pot with a new R, seems to me that the old "push-pull" comes into play. Your ex is trying to pull you back.
What you need to do (MHO only) is to make a clear cut decision what you want to do. Not necessarily choose one over the other, but really decide what kind of life you want to live and how you want to live it. Then make like Nike and do it. That will attract the right person right into your life if that is something you desire.
Simple lesson I learned: living in gray areas or indecision brought only more gray and indecision into my life. The more I decisive acted or did things I realized I desired in my life, the less gray and indecision there was in it. Got my act together, began consulting on a contract basis, hit the Y to work out on a regular basis, moved out of town, yada yada yada...and hey...what do I know? There's a stable R in the picture, the financial picture is much rosier, my relationship with the kids is great... I'm sure you get the gist here.
Oh...and this thought...your life ain't bad. It's just all in how you perceive it Lot of the folks around here have pretty warped exes anyhow. I also don't think we're ever "done" after a divorce. All that does is sever a legal relationship and tidies things up financially (well as close as it can get from what I've experienced). That person is in your psyche and your life no matter what, no matter how long there's no contact. Face it, you have kids together, you've had shared experiences, and you just can't sever the fact you've brought kids into the world together. Ugh...and I have to face two graduations with my RAMB next spring...I'm already preparing for that encounter in the realms of addiction-hazed narcissism But...I will face it and will enjoy the experience of a lifetime...seeing on kid grad with a BFA and the other with a PhD. I'll find someway of sharing it the ex somehow and live through it happily, as I'm sure you will with yours in the course of your family's life events.
Thank you Keyzblew for your post. I too have seen and heard the bait being laid out in front of me and I am not taking it. Last night after coaching soccer for my youngest's team, we waited for X to show up to pick up D, she was 45 minutes late. I enjoyed the time with D, we watched the full moon and talked about the bats flying around. I turned lemons into lemonade, I wasn't the least bit worried about X being so late. When she showed up, she was defensive and even proded me by asking "What's wrong with you?" I simply smiled and said nothing was wrong, I was just giving kisses to the girls and I was happy to spend 45 minutes alone with my little girl. She tried to get me to chat about some things that were not appropriate for discussing in front of the girls and told her that I'd email her.
Doesn't sound like much but she tried the usual things to get under my skin, to pull the strings and it simply did not work. I had a smile on my face, said good bye and left. It was easy to do, I've done it before but now I am so exhausted from playing the push pull that I left the rope alone, nothing there to tug at for her.
It has been over a year that I've let everything go and have actually had a good R with the X. It was just a few weeks ago that things kinda went weird. But yes, I do believe that it was a combo of X meeting my new GF and me having some funny feelings that have to do with GF more than X but felt like emotions about X.
You know what made me laugh about life was when my GF came to me and said that my girls both said that she looks like mommy. I told GF "You must be kidding me, you are much better looking and the girls don't refer to you as the witch." Yes, my girls sometimes refer to x as a witch because she is so mean to them. It is kind of funny when they tell me that, they even tell me that mommy sometimes rides a broom instead of driving a minivan. You have to sit back and laugh because Karma does truly existed. I've always told my X to treat me with respect in front of the girls because they will remember how she treats me. The girls say that "The witch" comes out sometimes at home but that mommy likes being a witch to daddy all the time. You have to love it!
Anyways, I'm about to truly have a major announcement to make in the next 10 days. I won't let the cat out of the bag but suffice to say that what has been going on in my life has greatly affected how I dealt with GF and X. Once past this hurdle I do believe a huge weight will be lifted off my chest and the chip off my shoulder with the x. I do believe that in the next 10 days will be a huge milestone in my life and I can put what has happened to me since my D to rest. More to come soon, I promise.
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
I was emailed by X today that she has changed her name back to her maiden name. I am thrilled to hear this bacause I thought she should have changed it when she left me. She always said she wouldn't change it because our girls had my last name and she wanted to share the same names. Hmmmm.........I wonder what made her do it? I really don't care but I am a nosey person by nature.
I find this interesting to get this email because this morning I wrote her telling that I've finally felt like this last little scab is finally healing, that my chipped shoulder was healing and that she didn't have to feal guilty for leaving anymore because I am over it all. I simply stopped picking up the rope to tug back and forth with her.
Sure it tweaks me a little to see her change her name and YES I've told her that she should have changed her name back to the maiden name but what made her do that NOW? I'm just curious and I'll find out eventually one day because I am not asking her nor will I give her the satisfaction of making comments about it.
My last name is very unique and my family prouds itself in having a name that is relatively unheard of even in our native land of Italy. We only have a hand full of people with our last names in all the Americas. So I fell better knowing that my girls and I share the same last name and she will miss out.
I'm not going to ask, I'm not going to comment and I sure as hell will not give her the satisfaction of giving a reaction to her lasted move of weirdness. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.............except they are no longer able to pull anything back in since I am not holding the rope.
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
I'm speaking from the position of someone that has been divorced (the first time) for maybe 10 years now (see I don't even remember the year). In reading your posts I don't really think the rope has dropped. I interact with my ex on a regular basis and it never enters my mind whether she's trying to bait me or what her actions mean (so I also disagree that there is always a place in your heart for the XW...there isn't in mine). That says to me that your still in the process of trying to determine if her actions have something to do with you. Actually, it seems stronger than that...you assume it has something to do with you. That says to me that you are still attached. I wonder in addition to what oldtimer said if you can't really fully commit to your gf because part of you still wonders about a future with ex and anything too deep with her would ruin your chances with the ex. Think that's true? It's been 4 year since you first came to this site. Don't you think she would have made some attempt at reconciliation by now if she was going to?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
If in fact W has changed her name, she didn't do it in response to your email. It takes a lot of work. It is a pain in the butt. She probably told you in response for your email because she was tired of keeping it from you and your email made it OK for her to let you know. Other than that, her name chance probably WAS NOT ABOUT YOU.
AFAIK, women decide to change their names when they really let go of the M, whether that is pre- or post- divorce.
So, if she changed her name, all signs point to her being completely and totally done.
If instead she is merely threatening a name change, then yeah, she is trying to manipulate you.
But, really, for F's sake, quit making her every breath about you already.
Hmmm...........OT, I guess I've left out some timeline details. I really could give a rat's (you know what) that she changed her name back to her maiden, I'm just curious why now? Why not earlier? She bitched alot about keeping the same name as her girls, then she has changed wind. I find it funny that when someone screams their position in life, they often change it. She had such the defense for keeping my last name that now she is changing it. I find it funny, that is all.
OT, X and whatever she does has nothing to do with me.......it has more to do with her view on life. I've only tried to understand how she sees things. I have my own life, my kids, friends, my family, my business and others to worry about. I simply come here to let the voices in my head go to paper (OK, go to posts online) and vent a bit. What I write about is simply thoughts in my head, not how I live my life.
All I wondered on my last post was.............if someone fought so hard to keep their kids last name for over 4 years, why change it? Remember OT, I wanted her to change her name after the D, I'm glad she did it! I asked her to change it 4 years ago and she fought to keep it, very angrily. I respected her wishes because I didn't know what it was like to be the parent that could or couldn't change their last name to make it differnt than their child's last name. My request for her to change her name was soooo long ago, I know that she didn't change her name because of me.
Even when I was M, I could only dream of someone making their breath about me!
OT, I'm just here writing about my issues with the X because everyone here has or is in my shoes. It is better tossing around ideas and conversations here than with anyone else. I do not know of anyone else that I can talk to about my sitch, at least everyone here has been there, done that.
Funny thing is, the last time X and our Ls had a meeting, X's L reffered to X as (Mrs.) to which I corrected him by saying "I spent a pretty penny to make sure that your client was no longer a Mrs. to me. Please reffer to X as Miss."
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
I'm speaking from the position of someone that has been divorced (the first time) for maybe 10 years now (see I don't even remember the year). In reading your posts I don't really think the rope has dropped. I interact with my ex on a regular basis and it never enters my mind whether she's trying to bait me or what her actions mean (so I also disagree that there is always a place in your heart for the XW...there isn't in mine). That says to me that your still in the process of trying to determine if her actions have something to do with you. Actually, it seems stronger than that...you assume it has something to do with you. That says to me that you are still attached. I wonder in addition to what oldtimer said if you can't really fully commit to your gf because part of you still wonders about a future with ex and anything too deep with her would ruin your chances with the ex. Think that's true? It's been 4 year since you first came to this site. Don't you think she would have made some attempt at reconciliation by now if she was going to? _________________________ In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
OK JM, let me navigate your post and see what we have here.
Yes, I changed my name and I did it so that I could protect my privacy. I come here to clear my mind, read advice and learn how to move on in my life.
About committing to GF, there are many things and reasons why I do not want to delve into a deeper R with GF. Some of them you and OT hit on the head, but then again there are other issues too, some mine and some hers. Sure, there are many things crossing my mind and that is why I am here to sort them out.
NOW, I do have many reasons to beleive that X wants to be in my life and makes movements in that direction. She has stated since day one that if our financial sitch would change than things would be different. She also has mentioned the talk about R a hand full of times, she has lead this conversation, not me.
Every Xmas, she drops off the girls, invites herself in at my parent's home. The girls come rushing in to their presents, what am I going to do? Be the [censored] in front of my kids and say no? I simply take the girls in and we all have Xmas morning at my parents. After usually an hour, with the girls rushing up to X to show gifts and approval, she announces she is leaving. She kisses the girls, hugs and kisses my parents and then asks me to walk her out. She always and I mean every year, she hugs me, tells me she loves me and gives me a kiss on my lips. I'm talking about a lip lock JM.
I know she still has feelings for me, I can see it in her eyes. Everytime I see her, at soccer games, parent/teacher meetings, I see in her eyes what I saw day one. I think that there is a real reason as to her not stepping forward.
Am I attached? I'll always have a little place in my heart for the mother of my kids, my W of one time. For as many reasons I can think of why I should't be with her, there are many why I should be with her. In my sitch, I'm dealing with someone that is going through a disease of addiction and also MS.
I've always said that if X got help, then I owe it us (as a family) to keep options open. I haven't asked X about her therapy because usually it gets me nowhere. When she was diagnosed, she was in full denial of her addiction and her MS. I spoke with her doctor who said that she is not seeking treatment of MS. He told me "You have to be there for her, she is sick and she isn't doing anything about it." Do you understand how that left me 4 years ago? I feel as if I have to lead my life but I should keep a part of it open to the past.
I can tell you that friends and family have noticed, as I that X looks healthy. She looked sick and pale for years, maybe she finally is taking care of herself and getting treatment. I don't know but I would like to talk to X and find out how here ways have changed over the last year.
I have not tipped my cards to X. If she really wants to come into my life,she'll have to come loud and clear.
There are some things I still have to share with everyone and I'll do so in tomorrow's post.
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
I thought that I'd give some further details about what triggered some old feelings a few weeks back and how I was simply getting to understand what those feelings meant and how I could learn from all this.
As some of you know (and most don't) I am adult diagnosed with ADHD. Not a big deal but it helped me understand why growing up my grades lagged but I tested in AP levels. I wished this was known while I was in school, it would have made things easier in studies.
I do not care what they call it or label it but ADHD is simply an attetion problem and with the right diet, exercise and patients from parents, it is very easy to steer childeren in the right direction.
Since I lead a lifestyle that is perfect for the ADD in me, it is not good for keeping me focused and on top of things. I take a medication called Adderall and is of the same family as Ritalin, only stronger and time releaased.
I take time off of my medication, I can live without it, I've learned what I have to do to cope on my own. It isn't a big deal, you just have to organise your life like everyone else and complete tasks in the order they are due. Sounds easy, but not if your are juggling a million things. Everyone is busy, I know, but it is even harder for people like me.
So, I recently went back to taking my medication after a few months off of it and was precribed a stronger dose and there in lies the problem. I could feel the dose was stronger, physically. I called the doctor and she told me to take one a day until I was able to take three a day. The medication (when taking a stronger dose for the firs time) is like drinking Red Bull and then slamming down some esspresso as chassers. I was VERY focused in what I was doing so much that I had to peel myself off the computer!
What this did was trigger an anxiety attack. I've only had one and that was when the D was dropped on me or sometime around that event. I had this feeling of anxiety and didn't know why, it became worse and you guessed it, the X fit the mold and I freaked out on her for no apparent reason. All kinds of feelings came rushing in over a two week period. After a few days of being alone with my feelings, I realized that it was the medication that triggered my feelings of anxiety. Half the battle was knowing it was the medication, the other half was undoing the damage I had done.
This hit all areas of my life, I yelled at my mom, I yelled at the X, I was a pain in the ass at work, I was miserable. I cannot explain the feeling but it is horrible. I am just now really getting over the anxiety and the parralyzing effect it had on me and around me.
I smoothed things out with the X. She understood what had happened and accepted my appollogy. She didn't take it personally but while the spat was going on, it only took her a second to get back into that fighting shape of hers. Instead of being a calming corner, she was simply clashing with me. When I was in that state of axiety, all I wanted was for someone to hear me out and I didn't get that from anyone but GF, which makes her an angel in my eyes. The way she remained calm and collected had a calming effect on me. GF knew she wasn't the problem and was secure enough to simply ride my storm out.
Folks, this doesn't happen to me, I've only had one other panic attack and even then it took me years to figure out what had happened. So when these feelings come in, they are a huge storm of mixed feelings, so much so I am in dispare.
That will clear some things up and give you more of the puzzle to see the entire picture. Before the anxiety, things were fine in my life with GF,X, family, etc. I simply wonder sometimes if maybe I still have feelings for X? If this is a passing thing? or maybe it was meant as a wake up call to me? I don't know and that is why I am here, spilling my guts out on this thread.
I know that as far as GF goes, I need to get to a certain point in my life where I am comfortable with myself. I'm just about there, but I have some goals I have to reach in this recovery process I have. It isn't just the X I'm talking about, far from it. It has to do with other aspects of what my D has done to me, in many other areas in my life and I'm just about to put a close to the recovery. There is just a certain "Icing on the cake" type event I am in the midst of sealing shut.
So, there is more to read about life as me. There are a few other things I'll open up about that has effects on my life and R with everyone close to me. I'll write more about this later tonight when I have more time. Until I paint the entire picture (which I'll finish tonight) I'm not sure that advise I get here is accurate. I have only my self to blame because I didn't give all of you the entire scope of what has been going on. I didn't want to but I later knew that I had to bare it all to work past these issues of mine.
More to come............................
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
Lot of the folks around here have pretty warped exes anyhow. I also don't think we're ever "done" after a divorce. All that does is sever a legal relationship and tidies things up financially (well as close as it can get from what I've experienced). That person is in your psyche and your life no matter what, no matter how long there's no contact. Face it, you have kids together, you've had shared experiences, and you just can't sever the fact you've brought kids into the world together. Ugh...and I have to face two graduations with my RAMB next spring...I'm already preparing for that encounter in the realms of addiction-hazed narcissism 
But...I will face it and will enjoy the experience of a lifetime...seeing on kid grad with a BFA and the other with a PhD. I'll find someway of sharing it the ex somehow and live through it happily, as I'm sure you will with yours in the course of your family's life events.
