My H has made it clear he is no longer interested in staying in the M. He will be moving out the first of October. We thought it would be easier on the kids D18; D17; D11; if he lived at home for one week and I lived at home for one week. We both have friends we can stay with on our week off. I think it is important for him to spend a week with the kids since he is stil their father and he needs to share in the responsibility. I also don't want to be the one at home dealing with all the day-to-day BS and he comes flying in and takes the kids to a movie or out for dinner. My concern is, am I giving up some right to the house or the kids by agreeing to this arrangement?
You might want to get some legal advice on your question, but from my experience in Calif. you are not giving up rights to house (community property) or custody since it would be a mutual agreement. None of this will be easy for the kids, but having them live in one house is better than going back and forth.
Do you know what your H hopes to accomplish by moving out? What do you hope to accomplish during this time?
The task ahead of you is never as great as the Power behind you ~ unknown
That is an interesting arragement, Elena. It might actually work in your favor if you're trying to save the M as I would imagine that back and forth process getting old for your H in pretty short order. Not sure about the legal side but unless you're signing some kind of sep agreement, you shouldn't have much to worry about for a couple of months. I'm not a lawyer.
I am new to this, however, be careful with the Lawyer advice. Once there, you can't go back.$$$$ It does not appear, from your remarks, that H is bent on the lawyer route as of yet. I know it must be hard but try to avoid the materialistic thoughts (advice)and figure out the impotant things. (relationship,kids etc)
Whatever happens during a separation sets up a precedent and an expectation for the divorce. I moved out (at X's insistence) and had my boys on alterate weekends. But this was OK with me because my X is a SAHM and I wanted her to keep the house and for the boys to live there if we did get divorced.
It sounds like you don't necessarily want full custody. Presumably an equitable division of property as well, meaning sell the house or one buys out the other/ offsetting assets, whatever. If that's all OK with you, then there's nothing wrong with the arrangement. I've even heard of couples who get a small apt for them to alternate with the house.
But, examine your husband's motive for a second. He knows that if he moves out, and sees the kids less than half-time, that sets up a presumption that you will have custody and he will pay child support. If he wants joint custody and no child support, then he would have to get a place that was suitable for him and all the kids. He doesn't want to have to go that far just yet.
For him to live at OW's one week, and then be at home with the kids for one week (without you)is just what he wants for now. And I can assure you that there is an OW, otherwise he would be in no hurry to leave. If you can point to a time that things suddenly got worse between you, the first time he didn't want you to touch him, that's when the A started.
Another clue: Does H care which week is his first week at the house? My guess is OW may have joint custody of her kids, and so he wants to coordinate the "child-free" time. He probably said the "first of October" because it sounds like a natural starting point, but it will line up with her week w/o kids. Tell him you want to be gone that first week, and see if he objects.
If I were you, I wouldn't agree to go sleep at a friend's house for a week at a time every other week, just so H could visit with his kids without you there. How do you benefit from this??
Do not assume things like he suggests. Trouble will only follow. I would suggest that M3S tone it down and not use your forum for his problems.
Go about thing rationally as it seems you are. If you have questions ask. Do not get into theguessing game as above suggests. If this is right for you, proceed in a mature fashion.
As much as I love my kids and I know it will be hard for me when I am away, I have learned through all of this (last 10 months) that they tend to want the one that isn't there. Also, I don't want all the responsibility on my shoulders; the house, the bills, the kids, the groceries, the laundry, the yard, etc. He will have to look after these things also when he is here. Plus I am hoping he will realize that I am not just stuck here waiting to see if he decides to return.
I have also been through this once before. 12 years ago, he thought he wanted out and we seperated for about 3 weeks. I remember feeling very helpless and it was very difficult each night at bed time to try and explain to my kids why their daddy wasn't home. I want him to have to endure some of the hardship he is leaving in his wake.
I am much stronger and more confident in myself this time around and I am trying to look after me as well as the kids. He is a good father and I am by no means putting them in jeopardy by having him take responsibility for them every other week.
I like to go out with friends and go to the gym and without him around these outings would be restricted and sometimes I really need the distraction in order to keep myself centered while trying to deal with all of this.
I think having a week to focus on me will help me get through this. Whereas, having him leave me all the responsibilites while he does as he pleases, would only make me feel worse.
I could be wrong. This arrangement is only temporary anyway, so we'll see. To start off with at least, we wanted things to be the least disruptive for the kids.
If it's not working (for me or the kids) I will come home permanently and ask him to leave.
