My DD has taken things really well. She does have her moments, especially late in the evening before bedtime, she gets a bit "whoa is me". But overall she has not been affected too much.
I think it is because I have handled things as best I can, and have not shown my anger in her presence, or argued in front of her. She knows what her mother has done, and she knows OM is part of the cause. I think it will hit her when we sell up and move away from each other. DD is so in love with our new home, we have only lived here for less than a year (after spending 2 years building it). Bomb was dropped a month after we moved in.
Also, I have been spending all of my free time with DD, doing things together, taking the slack up for W's new lifestyle.
AndyV M38 W36 D7 M 13 years Together 17 years W wants D mid Dec 06 (ring off) W wants separation early Jan 07 (she backdated to Oct 06) EA revealed end March 07 (Nov 06 W first meeting with OM) Hallmark moment "I care for you but am no longer in love with you."
DD is so in love with our new home, we have only lived here for less than a year (after spending 2 years building it). Bomb was dropped a month after we moved in.
I know completely how frustrating this is. XH and I built our house about 3 years ago...we did most of work along with my dad. We have spent the last 7 years of our lives building this great horse farm, and now it sits pretty well abandoned. I look around and think how could he walk away from everything. It is absolutely insane for me to live here by myself, but until I get my life figured out I have no plans to sell it. Even more crazy is on the D day, XH looked at me and told me to smile...my life wasn't over. I just looked at him and said my life as I knew it is over...just goes to show how much denial the WAS's are in.
You have to look at your daughter and know that the life that you had planned for her is now different...and there is really nothing you can do about it...it sucks. Hang in there and try to stay strong.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
I am going to try as hard as I can to give DD everything, and be there for her for the rest of my life, even though her parents will be living separate lives. DD will never miss out.
My sister asked me an interesting question a few months ago. She asked me if it wasn't for DD, would I still be trying so hard to fix my M. You know, I couldn't answer her. I wonder if all my hurt is really for my DD and not my W?
Regardless of the outcome, I don't think I will really know.
She asked me if it wasn't for DD, would I still be trying so hard to fix my M. You know, I couldn't answer her. I wonder if all my hurt is really for my DD and not my W?
From my experience, I know that if we had children, I would have held on longer. I still fought a long, hard battle for my marriage but is easier to say enough is enough when you know that you will never have to deal with your X again. I think the longer the battle....the more likely it's for the kids and not for the spouse.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
It keeps crossing my mind. Am I fighting for the right reasons?
Do I really love my W as a partner or as I would a member of my own family? Did I stay in the marriage due to this loyalty and due to DD?
The question that my sister asked me has been on my mind for the last few months. I too went through a period of depression, and possibly a mini MLC, if you can have one of those.
During this time (around 6 years ago), I didn't think that I loved my W. I thought "did I make a mistake with my life" etc etc. But because DD was only 1 and a bit years, I convinced myself that I was wrong, and that I loved my family (maybe not in love with my W, but still loved her).
Over the next 6 years, those feelings weren't as strong, and I was happy (also due to a new job that I enjoyed).
My W (only recently) accused me of picking my job over my family (untrue). I always felt like I was in my own version of "Sliding Doors".
I think this is normal. I actually told H back when he was deadset on D'ing me, that there had been plenty of times when I felt like I didn't even like him as a person, but that I just worked through that or kind of ignored it and went on. When we are w/ one person for so many years, we are going to go through all kinds of emotions and feelings toward that person, but choosing to continue to love them no matter what is the choice that most of us here have made.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
It keeps crossing my mind. Am I fighting for the right reasons?
What are the right reasons? I think every one of of us struggles with this.
I think these are some of the reasons that I held on and I do believe a lot of them are for the wrong reasons... 1. Vows 2. Love (By the time that we D, I was not "in love" with him anymore) 3. Save him from this path of self-destruction that he chose 4. Did not want to be divorced 5. Did not want to be rejected...I wanted him to realize that he wanted me. 6. Fear of the unknown 7. Holding on to the dreams and the life I was "supposed" to live 8. Did not want to be alone
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Don't forget #9. The one that trumps most of the other concerns -- the children / family.
Hope, I do understand this one was not a factor for you. But, Andy, I have to say that the dedication, love and commitment to the family is the most overriding concern right now, for me at least. The building of this family for most people is the primary reason for getting married in the first place. It is a foundation for the covenant between a husband and wife under God.
