Hi everyone, brief recap. M60,W52 children grown. No children this marriage W raised D(from previous marriage) from the age of 4.Happy marriage ideal couple lovely home etc.Bomb dropped May 07 S May07. We have had fairly regular amicable contact No EA or PA that I know of and no one else has observed any The night she dropped the bomb she said things had gone stale that she wanted to get a job and a house of her own and start again. She has been at her S house since leaving(small back bedroom, small terraced house) BIL lives there as well. She always wanted children but was unable to have any, had a hysterectomy in May 2003, This is probably when her troubles began. She went into a long depression and was hopitalised but slowly came out of it and off meds after about 12 months.Her Mum(who she was extremely close to) died in Jan 2006 Prior to the bomb she had been dressing younger excercise etc. She said 2 weeks ago that she couldn`t live with S forever and would have to get a home. She reiterated that she did not want me to have to sell our home as it is "your home" She suggested that I sell the camper van and she could have the money from that. I have not initiated any contact with her for 2 weeks and have not seen her until this morning. Her job (which I helped her to get) involves caring for the elderly in their homes. One of these couples lives a few doors away.When she called in this morning I assumed it would be to talk about the van sale, but she never mentioned it. Said she couldn`t stop for long (she stayed about 5 mins) It was mostly small talk, asked what I was doing today, If I wanted to see the dog to let her know. Mentioned she didn`t get paid until the end of the month.Talked about renting a house locally that didn`t need a deposit Although i have started to pursue the policy of not initiating contact, Does the mention of letting me see the dog mean I should contact her or would going dim still be the best policy? Any comments please
Don't overthink this stuff. She offered to let you see the dog, so if you want to see the dog, call her and say so. Stick to the one subject. If she has anything else on her mind, she'll call you. Besides only calling about the dog would mean you have gone dim. And at least it is something you have in common. A little non-pressurized communication isn't bad.
Look, I have no idea what is going in your w's head. I can see how a 52 y/o woman can be questioning her life. You know it too. All you can do at this point is to back off and let her navigate her own waters. And during that time, do what you want to do, i.e. rekindle an interest in an old hobby, learn about a new subject (away from this stuff), exercise, whatever. Find something to do.
Did you play a role in things going stale? We do have to look in the mirror. It takes two to Tango.
Thanks for your prompt reply and your support. I know what you mean about occupying myself and I am trying but after 27 yrs marriage I am finding it difficult. As far as things going stale goes we did most things together, but the pressure of running a small business did take up quite a lot of my time
Have been talking with a long time freind tonight who may have discivered the key to this madness.He thinks that because she could not have children she is trying to run away from the past. She is trying to start again-get a job- get a house- meet someone else and get pregnant
Hope Floats Thanks for your reply She can`t possibly get pregnant at 52 especially after a hysterectomy. But if she can`t face that fact maybe she is trying to run away from it. We are probably too old for adoption
Well I am 60 now ( birthday boy) Lots of cards from friends and family but nothong from W . Everyone keeps telling me to move on Trying but I am still Greiving. I know it will get better. It`s just the uncertainty I find hard to handle.
Happy Birthday Colin! I understand the uncertainty being a major downer. It does get better with time, though. I promise. Many good thoughts being sent your way! Hope you enjoyed your day.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Have been reading some of IMP`s postings and I am slowly beginning to embrace the concept of detaching and finding that it is of benefit.As far as me "going dark"is concerned it seems I don`t have to bother W has done it for me. Have seen her only very breifly in the last 10 days and then by accident. She has stopped texting or phoning no mention of seeing the dog, no enquiries about the camper van or the proceeds from it`s sale. She hasn`t been near the house even when I am not there.She has also cut off all contact with the G/daughter( something she has maintained since the seperation). One of Snodderly`s postings suggests that this is when they are very depressed perhaps withdrawn.For myself I am beginning to realise that I have no say in this matter and it`s time I GAL with or without her. Any comments anyone?
W finally met g/daughter today after 7 weeks gap As I haven`t spoken to W in 5 weeks I have been concerned whether her attitude towards me has altered and whether she was likely to see a L with regards to inventing grounds for a D and then obtaining some money from the forced sale of the house. A relative had suggested that I offer her some money to prevent or at least delay this.G/daughter asked her to phone me which she did at 2-30 today. When I told her I could scrape together some cash in order for her to have somewhere of her own to live she said"Oh Thank you are you sure"It seems she was prepared to go on living with her S for the forseeable future We talked for about an hour various issues mostly her job, the dog and sport.There were several laughs lots of eye contact etc. There is absolutely no hostility lots of freindliness but there is no hint of affection or of her wanting to come home. She seems to be living this on a day to day basis with no plans for the future.I know this is contrary to DB tactics (and I am far from being a "control freak") but it just feels that I should steer her towards the right path. She has always let me lead during our 27 year marriage and this I have always done but taking her opinions into consideration. Now she seems to be directionless. There was no reason for her to leave, there is no O/M I am baffled
