Hi everyone - I have a question. First let me start with my H told me he wants a D he has already seen a lawyer. Anyway H told me Friday night that he has been seeing OW and I was devastated. Here is my question does the H ever feel bad or guilty for what they have done or do they just feel that since he wants a D it is ok because he is just moving on. Do they ever regret it or is just the spouse that suffers. Is he sad that he hurt me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.
Do they feel bad or guilty? The answer is yes, usually. You have to remember to you this is new but he's had some time to process the guilt and sadness. It is still possible to save the marriage even at this stage of the game so don't lose hope. Until now he's been living in fantasy land with a nice home and supportive wife and OW and there's no cure for fantasy like reality.
At this point I would suggest the After Last Resort technique. With this you will be living your life for yourself and find the real you again. There maybe some hobby or activity you used to do before you were married -- try occupying your time. But GAL also includes working on yourself. I don't know what the issues in your marriage are but working on them will put you in a better position -- BUT do it for YOU without expectations.
At the same time you want to completely detach and not call or have face to face time unless necessary. He needs to have a chance to miss you. There can be no relationship with you while he's with OM and detaching will help to shake him of that notion.
I don't know if this helps but these are the basic tenets.
H 30 (me) W 28 Married 9 yrs 2 children EA found out on 7/5/07 ILYBNILWY 8/25/07 The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates
Thank you Lester you really made me feel a little bit better. I'm trying so hard to detach myself from him and to back off but it is just so hard because then I feel like if I stop giving him hugs and if I stay away from him then we will grow apart even more then we have already. I really hope that you are right that I can still save my marriage I just love him so much and I thought that we would grow old together. Anyway thank you so much Lester I really appreciate your advice and I will try what you said. I'm gonna have to go now because I'm starting to cry but again thank you so much.
Did you read DB already and fix a list with your personal goals? That is the very first step.
Then you stop listening to common music and fix yourself a playlist with new songs or "hymns" - just like in Ally McBeal - which give you strength and power. Listen to it everyday. As often as you can. There is a good song by MaryMary called "Put your shackles off my feet so I can dance" - this one helped me a lot after separation from my Ds Dad 8 years ago.
I am sure you'll have similar "hymns".
You need to stop thinking about HER. She is just a symptom of your M not working out right. A mechanism for him to not need to think about what he could have been working out with you better. Just like a drug or alcohol.
You need to see him as a "helpless" person who was so far lacking of means to live up to his relationship goals. Or to you even maybe. Then you need to see what YOU contributed to the situation "by always doing the same". Have you done that already?
Well - If you need some more advice just ask me! I am very good in giving some of it but also need some kicks to get myself going really.... ;-)
Nanah - Thanks alot! I really liked what you said about him being "helpless" it does make a lot of sense but I just keep thinking about HER and the fact that my H is having an affair. I just want my H back but I want him the way he used to be not who he is now. I've been leaving him alone a lot and I only talk to him when he asks me something (which is usually about our son). I just feel like when I back off and give him space that then we grow more apart then ever. Anyway again I'm about to cry so I must go I just cant stop crying. Thanks again Nanah for your advice and your hug ( I could really use a hug right now).
Cry if you need to cry.... My separation took place 3 weeks ago - and I stll cry. It's necessary.
Then you need to face the point that - if you want him back - you will never ever get him back the way he was before. You should actually have the goal to get him back BETTER than he was before. But that means a lot of work for you.... which you have to start straight away. Coz it means that you have to work on yourself a lot. Read DB - if you haven't so far!!!! As quick as you can.
And FORGET about her. Neglect her. you already KNOW she IS there. But thinking about HER gives her way too much significance!! Which she does NOT deserve. Definitely not. The only person of significance right now is YOU.
I am just trying to think about what you could do to feel better - if LRT is not a good solution, as you say you've been leaving him alone a lot. Maybe you tell us at what times you have left him alone and why you were only talking to him when he asked you something... That could help!
look up the Staying-Solution-Orientated-Workshop in this forum. There you can read about other peoples goals and what they to to focus on themselves. It's a paradise of hints for finding your own goals. ;-)
Hi Nanah - When I said that I've been leaving him alone a lot what I meant was before I kept talking to him and pursuing him and hugging him to show him that even if he doesn't love me I still love him but then he said it was making him feel uncomfortable and then told me that he was seeing ow. He told me that I need to move on and are getting a D. After that happened Friday night I've just kind of backed off we still live in the same house with our 3 year old S but H sleeps om the couch. My H had told me that I didn't show him enough of the love he needs he said I didn't tell him enough that I loved him and I feel just terrible that he feels that way so for a little while I was telling him constantly that I love him but he said it made him feel uncomfortable so now since Friday night I have not told him ILY and no hugs because it made him uncomfortable. Now I've just been doing the opposite no hugs no ILY and I only talk to him when I have to like about our S. Am I doing the right thing I mean I just dont know what to do because I dont want him to feel uncomfortable but I dont want him to feel that I dont love him. Also it's really hard to talk or look at him since he told me about the OW. If you have any more great advice Nanah I would really appreciate it. Thank you so much for listening and helping me. Hugs to you Nanah..........Very sad
Very sad, I can imagine that it must be horrible that after admitting you guys still stay at the same place.
I think you need some space straight away. Maybe there is a way that you can leave for a few days to visit a friend or family?
Best thing would be you tell him that you can't stand the situation right now and that you need some distance to think about what happened. And then again it would be even better if you left without your son. That your H would have to find a way to not NEED you to take care of him. Backing off in the same house ain't enough in this situation I guess. Set a sign/limit to him. He should understand that you NEED that space and a little time out for yourself.
Please do yourself a favour and start thinking about where you could go and who would be some good support for you straight away. Then organize a trip there. And then tell him about your plan. 3-4 days can be fine already. Time enough to read DB. and to come back to confront him with a new YOU.
Will you think about that opportunity? Please.... I'll go visit my best friend tomorrow. I am sooooo much looking forward to it.... You should do the same!
Hi Nanah - That is a great idea but the only problem is that my H works a lot including weekends and it just wouldn't be possible. My best friend has offered for me to come stay with her for a few days and let me tell you I so could use that but it's just not possible. I am the one who is always with my S my H used to be such a great dad and he still is to a point but since he is always working my S really only sees him in the morning before work and on the weekends during the day because he works nights on weekends. That was a great idea and thank you for that but it's just not possible. I have taken your advice about a song like Ally Mcbeal and I have come up with "I will survive". It's probably corny because I bet a lot of people use it but it does seem to help. Thank you soooooooo much for your help you are so great and I wish you all of the best because you are the best. Thank you for taking the time to listen and respond. Have a great time with your best friend. Hugs to you............Very Sad
