Hi everyone - 5 months ago my H said he loves me but was not in love with me. He said he needed space so I gave it to him and then about 3 weeks ago I got a letter from him lawyer telling me to get a lawyer for a D. Anyway my H said that I didn't show him the love that he needed he said I didn't tell him enough that I loved him and I didn't send him little love notes and I guess he's right because after we had our 3 year old S I was really overwhelmed and just focused on the baby. After I got the letter from his lawyer I started to do the 180 by telling him all the time that I loved him and I started sending email love letters to him. These past few days he seemed kind of strange so I asked him what was wrong and after about an hour he said that I was making him feel very uncomfortable and then he told me that he had been seeing someone else when I kept asking him about it he said that he hasn't been seeing her but they have been talking a lot. I am so sad and I still love him so much is there anything I can do to save my marriage. Please someone help me I have been crying my eyes out and I dont know what to do. I would really appreciate any advice anyone can give me please help me!
You are in the right place here. Most of us have been exactly where you are, so welcome.
If you want your husband to return, you need to draw him back to you. Sending him love notes is you pursuing him. So stop with the notes and phone calls and emails. I know it sounds strange, but you need to back off big time. Stop chasing him. And stop concerning yourself with what he is doing. You cannot control it, so don't worry about it. Concern yourself with yourself.
Have you read Michelle's book Divorce Remedy ? If not, buy it ASAP, but don't let your husband know that you bought the book or that you visit this website. You need to operate under the cover of darkness here. The less he knows, the better. Once you have the book, turn to page 124 and read the section titled Last Resort Technique. Read it twice... then do it. Next, read the rest of the book.
You need to do stuff outside the marriage (get a life). Join a mother's club, health club, exercise group, adult education class, etc. It is important that you occupy your mind, and at the same time, show your husband that you will be OK without him.
Divorce Busting is not really about saving marriages as much as it is about saving people. You will be OK whether or not your marriage survives. You need to focus less on your husband and more on you. You need to work on yourself from the inside out.
Visit this website, poke around, read about how others are coping. Share. Learn.
Finally, and most importantly, you need to convince yourself of this reality: Your happiness is not dependent on the love and acceptance of your husband. Your happiness is in your hands, and you need to believe it and live it.
In spite of my insomnia, I am very tired, so I need to wrap this up. But I am sure that others will be adding to what I have written. And I invite you to add any detail that will allow us to help you more.
I know the depths of your hurt and confusion. My H gave me the ILYBNILWY 3 weeks ago and had seen a L that morning for a D. This came after only 6 weeks or so of turmoil and we've been M 10 years. I can't make any sense out of it, and I'm not being given a choice to just seperate and work on things, or have a chance of reconciliation. Before this D wasn't in our vocabulary, even through some really chllenging times. It is like an alien has abducted him.
I haven't posted a lot on this site, but I have read a lot, and it is very comforting to know other people are going through similar situations and surviving. My therapist told me that often when we imagine something horrible happening to us we actually create the same feelings and emotions as if it were happening, only they're feelings that are catastrophized, so what your feeling when you're just thinking about the worst instead of actually going through it can be worse (alot worse) than actually living through the situation. I've found this to be true. When I first realized there was a problem with my H and suspected an EA and thought about them and what they could be saying, and what if I ended up facing a D, and on & on- I felt like I was going to die, literally. Those feelings are real, but when you are actually facing the situation instead of catastrophizing it in your head, it's gut wrenching, BUT you can survive and be happy. I know this now. I will have a great life with or without a R.
Do what is in you to save your R. What I'm saying from my experience, if your not given a choice, you have to focus on your own happiness and KNOW you'll be ok. Take advantage of the love and support of your friends and family- tell them you need to spend time with them, and take advantage of the wisdom of other peoples experiences on this site.
ME 31, H 40 M 10 NO KIDS MLC? PA? BOMB 8/22/07 ILYBNILWY WANTS D
Hi Pickled - Oh my god I feel the same way because I was not given a choice he just made his decision and that's that. D was never in our vocabulary either and I just dont understand what's going on he's like a totally different person now. I'm just so sad right now I'm still crying my eyes out as I type this so I'm gonna go. Thank you so much for your advice.
VS - I just wanted to offer my support to you. I know you are stunned right now and it's ok to cry. But, around your husband, you need to put on your game face. Trust me, I've had A LOT of freak-out sessions right her on this board. You'll feel better if you vent here. We know what you are going through and how you feel. Take the positive advice.. be good to yourself..
Read as much as you can. Like Mark said, pick up Divorce Remedy. Also, check out the Marriage Builders site and Love Must be Tough by James Dobson. Other people here can recommend other books. Trust me it helps if you start to get a game plan togther. You won't feel so helpless and it will give you some sense of power.
Ok.. You mentioned that your husband says you didn't say ILY or send love notes.. That's a clue as to what has happened in your M. Start there... What was missing that he is seeking to fulfill someplace else? Sounds like you had a child-centered marriage and your H felt neglected. How can you start to make him feel important to you without overkill. Build a strategy. Try some stuff.. Monitor what brings him closer and what pushes him away.
I agree with LO do keep notes of what works and what doesn't. Like for me levity and humor seems to at least make us both comfortable around each other. Definately work on what you feel may be lacking in the marriage but only from the perspective that it will make you a better person. But realize as long as your H is in an EA your efforts will go unappreciated. The only chance any of us have is to be the best "me" we can be, that includes GAL (doing things which bring us pleasure), "AS IF" which translate to a positive attitude.
H 30 (me) W 28 Married 9 yrs 2 children EA found out on 7/5/07 ILYBNILWY 8/25/07 The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates
VS, as you can see, this forum is a great place for you with lots of good people facing very similar challenges. Just know that you are not alone and that other people have been or are going down the same paths and dealing with the same hardships. I hope you can find some comfort in that, that here you can have a support system and a place to more safely vent the continually recurring anger, confusion, frustrations and sadness that are, unfortunately, a big part of this experience. There are a lot of wise and helpful people participating in these forums who will always give you sound, objective advice.
Hi all-- It's great to get to this page and hear all of you going through what I am. My H dropped the bomb about a month ago, said he was in love with a coworker and wanted a divorce. No discussion, despite 18 years of marriage, two kids, and more cats than strictly necessary. Since he's always been a "do the right thing" kind of guy, this couldn't be just an affair, it had to be The Love That Ate Cleveland. He's been living with her since then. Oh, did I mention he just turned 49 and had lost his job in February? But, he stressed, this is NOT a MLC, this is True Love at long long last! I've been following D'Busting and doing a fine job of it, if I do say so. However, now he is telling his family that the kids and I are "fine" with his new relationship, and the separation has been fairly untraumatic! How do I continue with this program and not let him use it as an excuse to do what he's doing??
