Great to hear from you. It really does feel good to help others, to be more mindful of doing so. I am keeping in touch with several people I met at the retreat a few weeks ago, and they are already dear friends. I've opened up more to them than to many people I've known for a lot longer, and it feels great to do so.
Those new hobbies/activities you are contemplating sound wonderful. We create our own realities in many ways; obviously we cannot control all of what we experience, but to recognize the power we do have day to day is liberating. We do not just exist; we make our own realities. I feel the same way; just have to decide what to plunge myself into. I'm getting into outdoor activities a bit more--feels great to be in nature. Nothing deeply serious yet, but just moving in that direction. For the past three weeks, I've been traveling a lot and tied up with the little stuff in the move.
Went out and bought a new dish set last night. So small an act, yet so meaningful. Time to imprint my own style on this new place, rather than live off scraps I grabbed out of the house when I moved out in June. I have slowly been accumulating a few new things--new towels, comforter and sheets for the bed. The thing is, I've deliberately kept them wrapped up until I move. Emotionally, the move will be like a new beginning. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas--don't want to open the new stuff too soon.
I'm also looking at several volunteer possibilities. Never made the time for that in the past, except for a few small things once or twice a year. Now, I am elevating that type of giving as a priority in my life.
Wife called me this morning to see if I am OK. I didn't respond to an email she sent yesterday about some minor thing at the house. I read it, but as I am weighing with detaching even further I decided not to respond until today. She called before I could respond. No relationship talk, just a quick check at 6:30am to see that I am fine. Hard to know what that means. I won't over-analyze it. She won't say a thing about the relationship one way or another. No talk of divorce; no talk of reconciliation. So, I live day to day looking to create my own joy and meaning. I still believe we could be wonderful for each other--we could have a terrific new marriage with the changes each of us seem to be making. But, I know that it may be too late as far as she is concerned and if that's the case I take what I've learned about myself, love, and relationships and look for someone else at some point. I have come to see this separation as one of the best things that has ever happened to me. When the bomb dropped back in June, I never in a million years thought I'd say that. I am living more from my heart, less from my head. This is what Terrence Real, O'Connor, and others write about, and I feel it.
I suppose I should take the no talk of divorce as some small positive sign. Maybe time is on my side???? Then again, maybe not. I am not going to get hung up on answering that, because really I know that I cannot. People keep telling me to up the pressure on her, that I'm being too patient, a doormat. I still believe, though, that if I'm correct about MLC there is not much at all I can do to force this issue. My choices are to wait it out and work on my own happiness, or walk away from the marriage. For now, I'm still standing for the marriage.
Looks like your W is touching base with you to make sure she still has her security blanket. I would keep pressing on your DBing and detaching more. Keep it up man and keep enjoying the nice little purchases and things you're doing to make your new home the right home.
Had an overall good day here making plans for GAL-ing and looking for new friends. But I am bummed out this evening after I found out a few things.
First my W accused me in an email of getting the attorneys involved when I requested that we get together and discuss the re-allocation of assets, spousal support and custody of kids. I think we owe it to ourselves to sort these things before the lawyers and the court get involved. But I just sense some raw nerve in her email about the way she accused me of fetching the Ls on her. I reminded her in a polite way that the reason I got the Ls involved was to protect my kids and my parental rights. I haven't heard back from her, since she is planning to be out of town with her OM this weekend. How fun!
the second thing has to do with my ILs. remember I told you I was debating about how to treat them? I did decide to take the high road and invited them over for a brunch at my (our) house and planned a day full of fun together with the kids on next Sunday, since my W is working that day. Well I felt good about my decision. Until this evening when I come to find out that my MIL is going to give company to my W and her OM at a country western dance bar on late Saturday night, the night before they visit me. Whats up with parents, especially those who have been married for nearly 50 years in supporting their MLC kids while they mess up their lives? Why are they so chicken in standing up for the good and the right when it comes to their kids? When we have agreed to D, does it make us eligible to go out and have fun and frolic with OM or OW right in front of the parents' eyes? Am I missing something with this moral standard?
The more I go through this the more determined I get to come out of this as a better human being and yearning for a more enjoyable journey of life. BRING IT ON!!
This looks like bloood being thicker thanwater and maybe they think they can influence their daughter more by being on the inside track with her. Do not read too much into it.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
This looks like bloood being thicker thanwater and maybe they think they can influence their daughter more by being on the inside track with her. Do not read too much into it.
Saffie
Thank you Saffie. I understand that and I am ok with whatever they want to do. I will not read too much into it.
However, I am struggling with detaching from her family and figuring out the best way to handle them. Primarily because I saw how my MIL got my W into the tunnel. Over the last 2 years I feel she has supported her in going wayward and seeing OMs. I am struggling with my inner self how to act 'as if' with the ILs, knowing fully well that they are keeping the tunnel secure and protected. Do you have some advice?
I removed myself from my IL's so that they can't hurt me. I am pleasant to them and don't stop any acess to my kids but I don't involve myself emotionally with them. They have proved time and time again that my H is there priority. Well good for them. I guess if it was my child in this situatuion maybe I would do the same. You don't know excatly what you wife has told them. Just take the high road and be the 'bigger' person. That way you know you have no regrets.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thanks for updating your situation. I urge you to stand firm with the lawyers. Don't get involved in your W's drama. That's her problem; you can't change or fix her emotions. You have to protect yourself and your kids right now. Don't assume that your W will be kind, will see the light, etc. Look only at her actions, and those of course may change at a moment's notice. We can't predict the future, nor can we live in the past. Live that Buddhist idea of being fully present in the moment. That is all you or any of us have, so stand firm!
On the IL, it does look like they will stand by their daughter no matter what. That doesn't surprise me. I haven't had any contact with mine, and I have no kids, so I haven't been down this road. Still, I suspect that your W has "justified" her actions to them, made you look like a real jerk in their eyes, and so they, like most people, believe what they hear. In these situations, we feed our side of the story to our friends, the spouses feed their version to their family/friends. There is no objective reality in relationships, only your feelings and her feelings. Some people will agree with you, some with her. I agree with you! But, at the end of the day all that really matters is what you are feeling at any particular moment and what she feels. Trust your own feelings, and stay on the high road no matter how painful. I know that's easier said than done; I'm often tempted to get off that road myself, but I hang in there each day, one day at a time.
You are already a better man for having gone down this path. Stay on it. Continue to choose growth over pettiness, anger, and despair. You need to do so not for your wife, but for yourself, your kids, and for any future relationship you might have. I'm convinced that this process has us in a long training session for whatever comes our way in the future, be that reconciliation with our spouses (if that is still a possibility) or a new relationship. At times like this we choose the path of growth or wallow in despair. You and I have come a long way down the path of growth.
One final small thought. Yesterday W emailed to offer me the leftovers from a new recipe she tried. I had tried it earlier in the week and told her how much I liked it. She called me last night briefly to ask a small question, and she said she was "worried" about my eating. I told her I liked her new recipe, but after I hung up I was a bit angry over her comment that I had been dumb about a lot of things. I told her I agreed--I had been dumb about a lot of things in our marriage. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I got the feeling that she still hasn't moved off her paradigm, which she said in August, that the task was for me to figure out what was wrong with me and for her to figure out why she took it.
I feel that's still her paradigm, though I admit I'm leaping a bit given the lack of sustained communication. If it is her paradigm, we're a long way from any reconciliation. I will take responsibility for my failures. I also need to see changes from her if we are to have a new marriage. Yesterday my therapist suggested, as have a couple of others over the past few weeks, that I may be "ahead", for lack of a better term, in understanding how to create a better relationship. If true, and it may not be, it helps me have patience.
I actually told my therapist yesterday that I have come to feel that this time of trial has been one of the best things that has happened to me in my life. When the bomb dropped four months ago I never imagined I'd say that. Just goes to show how life takes us in some unexpectedly painful, but also wonderful, directions.
Make it a good day, and keep posting. These boards help me understand my wife, I think. More important, they help me grow as a person.
Thanks Bruce and Saffie. As usual, you guys are so uplifting and so DAMN right.
I have been busy GALing this weekend. Had a great day with the kids yesterday. Today I will visit the Art Museum. I also bought supplies yesterday for oil painting on canvas. Haven't done this for ages and I am so excited! Since I am such a left brained person due to my technical profession, it feels like my right brain has started to light up again. This is so cool!
W is coming this morning to pick up the DDs. We will also be discussing division of assets and custody. Pray for her emotional well being since I have made a promise to myself to be as calm as the water in a mountain lake.
So right! For us left-brained guys, it's truly liberating to nurture a creative right brain part of ourselves. This is what O'Connor writes about, in part. We need to nurture our creative "feminine" side to become whole. Good for you. I'm trying this in some other ways, though I've also thought about taking a class or two. For now, I'm busy with the impending move this week.
Good for you for remaining calm. Don't get involved in the wife's drama. Stay above the fray for your own well being. It's hard, but necessary. I wish you well, and I truly do wish your wife well.
Last night I attended a lecture on compassion. My therapist is part of a group on living deeper, more meaningful lives. I am eager to join this group--it's all part of discovering new things about myself, and being a fuller part of my community. My life used to revolve solely around work, house chores (I truly did more than my wife!), and time with her. I was a big zero on community involvement. I'm eager to change that, and it feels good to try. Not everything will work out, but the key is to stay out there and keep trying until I find some things that fit. Just this week I made an inquiry about a volunteer program that has people visiting shut-in elderly people. I've also got my eye on some work at the children's hospital.
Anyway, the lecture reinforced some things I've read here and elsewhere. We will not be wholly human, or heal ourselves, until we develop a real sense of empathy for our spouses. Sure, we get angry, and we feel hurt. But if we remain stuck there, we are only inhibiting our own development. It sounds like your marriage may be over, and I'm still in limboland, but we each need to use these moments to foster a sense of empathy. Such a trait will make us better people, and better prepared for whatever life throws at us in the future.
Just a couple of quick things. Today at church the minister talked about the need to "create the sacred" right here, right now. I so welcomed that message. Find what is deeply meaningful to yourself, and then go create it, even for a few minutes a day. We find our own bliss. But we must look and/or create it. Be fully present in our lives each moment of each day--that Buddhist teaching really resonates with me now. Don't live in the past, don't worry about the future. Pema Chodron's book When Things Fall Apart is really helping me right now. Wife hasn't said she wants a divorce, but won't talk about anything. I am living my life and detaching more and more emotionally. I have kept the door open for reconciliation for now, but as jamesjohn said on another thread the word "divorce" no longer scares me.
Went out and bought a new shower curtain. Funny how little things take on a new meaning at times like this. It's pretty. Time to give up my monastic life and surround myself with beauty. I'm done putting my life on hold for her. The door is still open for working on a new marriage; I'm not filing for divorce yet. When I moved out in June I took old scraps--dishes, comforter, etc. Now, when I move later in the week I'll be starting a new life. A more beautiful life. I've been slowly accumulating things to use when I move into the better apartment on Thursday. I've deliberately refrained from using them so far, so that the move will feel extra special.
By the way, I noticed this morning while at the house for a few minutes that wife has subscribed to Car and Driver magazine! If that's not a sign of MLC, I'm not sure what is!
I am so busy GALing that I need to get another life! I bought myself a new digital SLR as I am taking photography even more seriously. Made plans to visit the 'Titanic' exhibit at the Nature & Science museum this weekend. Have plans to meet the DD's teachers for their conference.
My discussion with W on the weekend went well, everything was agreeable. Except at the end she accused me again for getting the Ls involved. She is under such a thick fog, that she is not seeing through the fact that the girls are being taught a very bad lesson - its ok to have relationships outside the marriage.
Talking about Ls, I got a nasty mail from W's L saying that I should stop making empty threats and blatant attempts to control my W's life! This is insane. I never never said or wanted to control my W's life - the rope is laying on the floor, she has the space and freedom to do whatever she wants to do. All I asked was to stop exposing the 2 DDs to her OM when they are with her.
Bruce, great message there - "create the sacred right here, right now". thats what I am gonna do. my option is to continue to escalate the fight by asking for a court order or dropping the fight completely making sure that the girls are not being damaged emotionally any further than what they have already been. I dropped a few tears again yesterday, got my detachment level up another notch and decided to take the 2nd option. I am planning to take the DDs to a family therapist and take a therapeutic approach to this issue rather than a 'fight and scream and make the L's more wealthy' approach.
my DDs say that everything in mom's apartment is red. she even mentioned something about MLC color to the DDs. huh!
someday the fog is going to lift and they will get to see the life beyond the red and the 'Car and Driver' magazine. in the meantime we will be far ahead in our journey with a dust storm behind our heels.
