Now I've done it... again

[nephartiti]

Sorry, I did not get any of your feedback before H got here. It took him 2 hours instead of one, but he came. He called when he got here. I went out and he had the nerve to be nice. "Hi how are you?" Wanted to tll him to shove it, but didn't. I got the carseat and S2, who was elated to see me). H had 3 huge bags full of new toys! WTH? He has always badmouthed S9's dad for buying too many toys as compensation and flat out bribery.

Anyway, I did calmly say that I am fine, but I do not appreciate being lied to. He questioned that, and I told him I knew he didn't stay in Riverside. He blew out a big huffy breath at that (in honor of Junie B Jones). S2 was already inside with one of my girl friends. I retrieved all of S2's things, minus the bribes. Maybe I should have taken them, but they just seem dirty to me under the circumstances. I'm speculating that they were an attempt to buy affection from OW b/c H is not much of a toy buyer.

Yes, I was concerned for S2's safety. I don't know what this man is capable of at this point. It is clear that he does not have our children's best interests at heart. He is being completely selfish. I know for a fact that my son was xrying for me and home this morning. Grandpa's house would have been difficult for him. A complete stranger's house must have been extremely uncomfortable, to say the least.

Thanks, M3S. I have already started that log by recommendation of my L. Speaking of my L, I'm supposed to meet with her on Tue to discuss custody and chil support w/ legal separation. I'm so PO'd right now I'm considering just filing for D.

[SallyM]

glad S2 is home. good luck with your lawyer. just remember, don't do anything out of anger...make sure you are calm and rational about any decisions you make. keep us posted.

[my3sons]

I am glad your son is safe. I know it was hard for him, but in a way this was good for him in the long run. The next visit will be much shorter.

Your H got a good dose of reality this weekend. I'm sure S2's crying was not pleasant for H or OW, and no amount of bribery will matter to a child who wants his mother. Poor H. Poor, poor OW.

Good that you left the new toys. Don't be too judgemental about that--he needed some toys whether he was at grandpa's house or elsewhere. The rule is, any toys he gets with daddy, stay with daddy.

As for filing, people get confused about "legal separation." Some people do get a Judgment of Separate Maintenance instead of a Judgment of Divorce. It is every bit as final, but the only difference is, neither of you can re-marry.

What most people are talking about is a Temporary Order. You typically file this at the same time you file your Complaint for Divorce. Whether or not you can ask for a Temporary Order without a Complaint for Divorce is something you'll have to ask your lawyer.

Oh, and don't forget to put that ladder away. Now that S2 has been on it, he might use it again.

[nephartiti]

Thanks everyone.

The ladder has already been put away

As for everything else, the plot thickens.

I don't know exactly what happened, but I don't think it went as far as I feared. (I let my emotions and feare get the best of me... again).

Last night H sent me 4 videos via cell phone of S2 playing. Not sure what to make of that exactly. I haven't talked to H, but S2 and bank acct charges reveal the following.

S2 babble:

1. Toys? Where the toys goo? Papa toys? Toy too much. Only 25.
2. Papa go night night in car. Other bed too big. Papa sleep in car.

Bank charges in Riverside:
1. Toys R Us $27.98
2. Gas
3. ATM $100.00
4. Best Western charge $5.00 (last night there was an $88.00 pending w/no details. that is now gone and only a $5 charge remains)

Convo w/FIL and BIL
1. H went to Riverside alone w/S2.
2. H left aroun 9 PM and told FIL he was taking him back to me.

Originally, all I had was convo info and assumed he went to OW b/c he definitely didn't come here.

Current deductions:
1. H bought toys for S2. Went slightly over his self-imposed $25 limit
2. Possibly booked motel room, decided against it ("bed too big")
4. Best Western $5.00 may be a cancellation fee
5. They slept in the car?

I really don't know what to make of all of this. I'm just glad everyone is ok and that I didn't totaly flip out on him with accusations. I have to sit and think on everything now.

Thanks My3sons for the L info. I sometimes forget these people are in the biz of making $, not necessarily looking out for my family's best interests.

[my3sons]

Perhaps the $100 ATM was to pay cash for the Best Western, originally held by cc. The $5.00 charge may be for a movie or a phone call that wasn't on the original bill. You can call the motel and ask what the charge is for. (I could tell you not to snoop, but that ship has sailed.)

I think S2 would have said "we sleep in car" not "papa sleep in car" if they had both really done so. I think "papa sleep in car--other bed too big" was H's excuse to S2 when S2 woke up alone and H was nearby but not in the room. This could have been at the motel or somewhere else.

For reference, I always let my X know if I am taking my boys out of town, even for part of the day. It is not a violation of H's privacy, it is common courtesy to the other parent. I think that at minimum, you need to get an itinerary from H next time he takes S2. Preferably not overnight. (It would be reasonable for you to require that he explain this weekend before allowing him to take him again, but not sure that's DBing.)

Check with the family court or whoever in your state--they probably have guidelines for age-appropriate visitation schedules, maybe even posted online. Younger kids are more likely to visit all-day or only one night, possibly every Saturday, vs older kids who visit on alternating weekends for 2 nights.

[mkultra]

Maybe no more overnights. I even type out the AM and PM of drop off and return in a very detailed itinerary. Go to the library and get the NOLO Book on California Divorces also there is a book on Child Custody Made Simple. Unless he is more savvy about the law, you can just use legalese on him rather than moral-ese.

Children may not be allowed overnight in any residence where there is active drug use or cohabitation amongst married spouses and non married relations.

Or even Dr. Phil-ese. "Children must not be exposed to any affair directly as they will take it as a strike against their own well being and happiness that this person has taken their Daddy away from their Mommy. Son, you're basically siding with the enemy here if you choose your mistresses happiness over your own kids'."

Or Mk-ese. "No way will my kids ever meet your bar trash kid whore. I'll shove a broken bottle up your ass if you mess with my kids." I wish I said that!

[SallyM]

go mk! you are your mother's daughter, I think. lol

neph, unfortunately it can be hard to find out the truth. although I have discovered most people in the service industry will tell you anything if you ask in the right way. (how I found out h had sent ow flowers, even found out ow's address, although I didn't ask for it, the woman on the phone volunteered it). I would ask straight out where they were...trust me, I want to know where my kids are. we have an agreement that they are to stay at my MIL's place when H has them, and so far he has been good about that (although did ask to take them to ow's beach house, he has yet to do it, says he respects my wishes...at least for now).

hopefully things aren't as bad as you feared. trust me, I understand jumping to the worst conclusion, I do it often enough. but sometimes there is a logical/non-scary reason for things. still, I'd want to know.

[nephartiti]

My L said CA is a no fault state where he can live with and sleep with whomever, as long as he isn't having sex in front of the kids.

However, it is reasonable to require a verifiable address of where the children will be staying. She said NOT to let H take them again.

H took another $260.00 out today. He has 3 weeks til he gets paid. There is less than $200.00 remaining. Not sure what he is thinking. Oh, yeah. He isn't.

[nephartiti]

Call me the Snooper.

H pd cash for a room around midnight. The clerk did not see S2 or anyone else. The room had one bed. H checked out the next morning. There was a $5.00 fee for I don't know what. They said it was standard.

[nephartiti]

Is this a valid reason to call him? To discuss finances? Maybe an e-mail. I've done the e-mail thing. He just ignores it.

I've transferred what we need for the month to a separate acct, so we are ok. However, my name is still attached to the acct he's depleting. When he overdraws, my a$$ is on the line too. I could pull out the $ from the cd early, put it in savings. Then he won't see a huge amount to spend (he strictly uses the ATM), but, in the event he overdraws, the bank will take it out of savings and not charge fees.