Kicked in the stomach

[Tara_9]

I've been posting in the "Newcomers" forum under "So discouraged" if you want to see my story that leads up to this.

I'm in absolute shock. I'm devastated. I just found out she's seeing someone. I didn't find out from her, but I know for certain. She sent an e-card to the OP and the confirmation came to our old joint address. I looked at the card--it was sending the OP a kiss. I don't know what to do. She's coming over tomorrow morning to walk the dogs with me. Do I confront her? What do I say? Does this mean all hope is lost? My heart is skipping beats and I think I may be sick. I can't take this--the image of her flirting, kissing, focusing her attention on someone else. She hasn't even been gone two weeks...how is this taking time to be independent and working on herself? How can she do this? We spoke on the phone today before I found out and she didn't seem to want to get off. I ended the call. Then she went over to my parents to spend time with the dogs because they were looking after them today for me. Oh god...She's probably with the OP right now. And now what? Do I tell her she just destroyed me?? I feel pain right into my soul. I consider this cheating. What do I do/say tomorrow? Do I pretend I don't know? What if she tells me? What do I say? Do I tell her not to speak to me again until she's done with that person? I thought we were doing better. I want to call her right now and give her hell and tell her she can forget getting any of the rest of her things. I'm so hurt. Picturing them is agony. What do I do???

Please help--I'm crying so hard I can hardly type.

[Ohio_Mark]

You have come to the right place. We have all lived through what you are experiencing now. We are willing and able to help.

I don't have time to read through your entire thread. I need to get some sleep!! But I would like to give you some suggestions to start with. Not sure if others have told you any of this, so forgive me if I repeat advice you have already received.

First, get your hands on Michelle's Divorce Remedy book. It's a quick read... but skip right to page 124 and read through the Last Resort Technique. Then read it again. Then flip to page 1 and start reading.

You need to shift the emphasis of your life from her to you. Stop believing that your happiness is contingent upon her acceptance of you. It isn't and it should not be.

Go out and do stuff. Get a life. Join clubs, excercise classes, karate class, skydiving... sheesh the list is endless. Doing this will accomplish two things: Take your mind off of the pain, and demonstrate to her that you have moved on.

I don't have the ability to write any more, as my eyes are drooping. I will be around to continue to offer my support. Hang in there. We are all hurting here, but we are STRONG. And we will help.

[Tara_9]

I appreciate your responding--the thing is, I've been doing all of that. And just when I thought we were having a bit of progress, I find this out. She is actively pursuing this other person and they are probably together right now. Do I text her tonight and say that the visit with the dogs tomorrow is off and she can forget about picking up the camera that she wanted to bring with her to her stepmom's birthday? I was going to do her a favor and let her use it. As it is, I wrapped a bunch of presents for our (her) niece and nephew that she is supposed to pick up tomorrow to bring with her. Do I leave them on the porch? She has to stop seeing this person. She hasn't even given herself a chance to miss us and she's taking up with this person. I thought she wanted to stand on her own two feet?

[limbo]

Tara,

I am so sorry for this turn in your situation, it is so hard I know...

Spite is not the best way to handle this, I can't count how many times in my head I thought of different things to do, but never did them...in the long run it will help nothing.
You really need to act as if, and gal..you have to decide if you can continue to try and get the relationship back or with this development do you stop.
This will determine how you handle things from this point on.

Stay positive...

[lester]

Tara,

Mark is right. As hard as it is to DB and see things stay the same or worsen, focusing on yourself and getting your life in order will give you two advantages:

- You give your spouse the chance to see that you’re independent and can deal without them which is more attractive than someone who is clingy. I can speak from experience on this one and can vouch for how effective GALing can be.

- Your wife may or may not wake up. I know this is hard (we all do here) but if you work on who you are then you will be in a much better situation to not only survive but thrive. Life is too short to be miserable, choose to have a positive outlook and positive things can happen. This is the essence of AS IF. By acting AS IF things are good and positive in your life then they can start to become positive. Positive thinking doesn’t cause good things to happen but negative expectations tend become self fulfilling prophecies.

I think theo said it best

“I had a pretty inspiring conversation with a DB-er who turned his marriage around. He pointed out something about himself --he admitted that the last 5 years of his marriage, he had been so absent that he felt he drove his wife to an affair and seek a divorce.

Then, he looked at himself in the mirror. He didn't like the kind of man, husband and father he had become and he decided that he would stop being miserable about things and view his mission in life to become a man of honor, integrity and passion. He re-committed to his children and starting GAL in a major way. But his GAL was about changing who he was from the inside.

What he told me was this: make this about you. Really, truly decide what kind of man you want to be and live it. He was talking about character change, not just "techniques" to get someone's attention or simply going out and having fun to create mystery with your spouse. He started forming a solid group of male friends who were his "posse" and they sought to encourage each other and challenge each other to live on the cutting edge.

He said that he got lucky. His wife wanted in to his life, which was so interesting. In addition he slowly started sending signals that he was moving on and preparing for a life without her. Her sense of possibly losing him was a big factor.

Hope this encourages you.

--Theoden”

[Tara_9]

It absolutely does encourage me. I had an epiphany today (albeit after being told by my friends that she has been with the OP from the moment she left and likely before--as confirmed by the OP). A light went on or a switch went off--whatever the case may be--I just seem to have let go. With no expectation for her to come back or not. I don't know why, and I'm hoping it's not just numb shock. I have to do stuff for me, and the first thing I've done is told her I need my space to absorb this new info. I'll take your advice to heart. Hopefully I'll feel just as resolved when I wake up tomorrow....