I haven't written in quite a long time... I guess I wanted to make sure this was real. Waiting for the "honeymoon" phase to end and see if we weather "normal". Whatever that is. :-)
The honeymoon isn't over, but I'm writing this morning because about 5:00am, my husband gathered me into his arms and snuggled me close to him to say "Happy Anniversary Baby..." and just under a year ago, I thought I'd NEVER hear those words again.
The house up north still hasn't sold... but we quit letting life get in the way and moved down to be with him. S16 is in his new school, and, though we had to take him kicking and screaming to registration and there are no hockey teams down here, surprisingly enough, he has survived!
Divorce Busting works. I'm a different person who learned how to listen and validate. I became strong and GAL'ed myself to NOT need him, Genuinely, before I even saw him after D-day.
He was 1300 miles away. He had moved in with OW. He said he wasn't in love with me. I came to this site with no hope at all that I could get him to see a change in me or the woman he fell in love with 20 years ago while he was so far away and so messed up.
He was in complete denial. He had convinced himself that he had made his choice and had to live with it. He was wrong ;-)
Since initially showing up at his job site back in March (and invading his "comfort zone"-- poor baby), we started talking daily, taking baby steps, to get us back together as he promised that weekend. We spent thousands going back and forth across country for visits and S16 and I moved into his (our) new place at the end of July.
At first I found myself checking his phone. I got a little obsessed with reading a rediculous web site where OW spend hours whining about accepting crumbs while reassuring each other that it's really THEM that the MM wants, but EVERY one of them stays for the children! I'm ashamed to admit the obsession, but I guess I was looking for her, to see what she was thinking... how she had the audacity to tell me that I was the one invading her serenity when I called my husband at the apartment one evening (kid related). Now I get it. I haven't checked his phone in weeks. She was a kleenex. She has been disposed of. Snooping is bad. It hurt him to know I didn't trust him and I had to explain that I just never, ever thought him capable of cheating on me before and I lost some confidence in my ability to see reality.
We have moments when hard questions come up. One day I just had to know what color her eyes were (they are a different color than mine). Stupid stuff. We get through it and he answers all my questions.
He is oblivious. To him she is nothing. Just a mistake. He'll be nonchalantly explaining the injustice down here he has seen involving people getting FEMA money that live on welfare and never lost a thing and cavalierly throw her name into conversations. I feel that's good... but sometimes just look at him incredulously and shake my head. If I were him I wouldn't bring that woman's name up... lol, but he is hiding nothing.
We are past the phase where he cries and thanks me every day for not giving up on him, but this is good. We plan to never take each other for granted again.
I need to start reading here again. I don't want to get back into the same patterns that got me where I was and want to keep the changes in myself permanent. I have a long way to go as far as keeping my own life. I left my friends and family, home and job up north and have to make a new life here. It's challenging to keep separate and exciting when we have to share a car because mine won't be brought down until the house sells.
Sharing hobbies and finding new things that become "OURS" has been the key. We've been planting gardens and bird watching so I buy us books on the local flora and fauna to share. For an anniversary present I gave him an anthology of all the new music we've been listening to together. We are going to take Swing lessons. We have started camping again. I'm rooting for the hometown football team along with him... he's taking me to the city and we're seeing a show at Harrah's. I've stopped worrying every single second he doesn't have a smile on his face.
I have a lot of catching up to do with a lot of your sitchs-- I just wanted to spread a little hope this morning. Thank you to all who were rooting for us... and who got to the end of this update. Thank you Michelle, for your books, your work, and this site. Hang in there Piecers--- you're going to be all right and most WAS want to be happy with the life they put all those hopes and dreams into long ago.
Kel, THANK YOU for posting this. You give hope to those of us in piecing. And wise advice on how to build the M back. I hope one day we will be there, when he will no longer hide her name from me, but if her name comes up, it would be just like a nobody.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
I need to quit t/j others so I'm going back to mine even though it's been a while. Yeah. Sorry. Another really, really, really, long post.
As I pondered "What If" on Aud's thread, H walked in the door after working half a day and running errands.
All was great until those thoughts started creeping in. You know, THOSE thoughts: He looked me in the eye and just lied to me. I absolutely never, ever, would've believed he'd have an affair. I never checked his phone messages. He worked half a country away and I laughed whenever someone would suggest that a country boy could get in trouble in this crazy city. The rest is history.
We're still really new to this piecing stuff. As Aud pointed out to me (thanks so much!), emotions are really running high because of major financial and physical moves we've made in a short time.
I don't know how to type out this scenario without it sounding totally ridiculous to you, the gentle reader. On the surface, which is all my H had to work with at first, btw, it just IS ridiculous.
I asked about some appliances he'd helped a friend move that morning. As I sifted through the details he gave me it came out that they are storing them for us until we close on a house in our new area.
So far so good.
Except I'd asked him about the appliances on a few other occasions because he'd grouse about having to help his friend move them.
He never mentioned that he was keeping them for us.
I asked him why he hadn't mentioned he had decided we'd use them or even show them to me on the occasions we've been at the friend's house.
He said he didn't want to because "he knew me" and I wouldn't want them because I'd been so "spoiled" by himself and everyone that I wouldn't want them.
I told him we'd been apart a long time and I've made some changes. I actually find his little "finds" enduring when he brings them home and admire his creativity. Nope. He knew I was going to say that too!
... I wanted to stop myself but somehow had to push it to the limit and set a boundry... a precedent. I even told him that I'm teaching him how to treat me and I don't want him to be dishonest, even if it's to avoid the conflict that is SURE to follow. Argh. He didn't hear any of it.
I realized I am NOT the same person that would go back to what we had before we separated. I did not go through that fire to go back to what he could discard.
Surprisingly, it is even more important that I don't want to go back there because I did a lot of growing and that isn't good enough for ME anymore. I hope I make some sense.
So I didn't let go. I just had to get this clear. Things were said, I even suggested that he might have done all this to get me to bring "his son" down here. Oh, he was no angel. He was insulted and insulted me in kind... but anyhow.
I'm not writing to beat myself up. I am not proud of throwing his past dishonesty in his face as a reason for the line I needed to draw in the sand. Whatever doesn't kill you can make you stronger though, and that's what we discussed this morning.
Last night we got to that point that scares us again. Out of the chaos and tears though, came his voice. He just yelled that I don't understand. He yelled "you couldn't understand, I never tell you enough."
Then he cried and cringed and said "You are all I want. You are part of everything I think and do every minute of every day."
"I HATED that. Through it all. You were there and I hated myself." "Since the day you showed up halfway across the country and walked onto my job site it was over. I despise her. She makes me sick and I can't stand to go there. But you need to know, though I never could tell you. She is nothing. Nothing. She never was but I was too weak to admit it, to look myself in the mirror, to face what I'd become. To stop."
He just went on. Shaking and crying and letting it all pour out.
This is the same man that coldly told me on D-day he didn't love me anymore. That he was having an affair and wasn't going to stop "anytime soon"..."she makes me feel alive." etc., etc., ad nauseum.
He went on for a while. He had a lot bottled up inside. He finally got out what he'd been holding inside and I actually shut up and listened. Then held him.
I'm not writing to suggest creating conflict or making a stand to get this stuff out! He was just ready and it seems, in our case, that probably because of his conflict-avoiding nature, it does seem that he'll get out the hard stuff when there is already that electricity in the air. I can understand it. It's hard to interrupt the good stuff with the painful stuff. He's not in counseling though and I realized he had never vocalized this before. There was no one he could confide in.
There is also no one I feel comfortable confiding this personal of an exchange, but I needed to get it out somewhere too. No matter how hopeless it seems at some point, there is a whole lot going on in our spouses minds that we just don't know. Sometimes they even figure it out before it's too late.
Wow--I'm glad he was able to get that out. And that you were there for him.
I often think that it would be a huge step forward for H and I if he would get to this point, but he is so skilled at stuffing and compartmentalizing...sometimes I really believe he has felt very little remorse over his actions, mostly because he has displayed so little. But I also realize that I have NO IDEA what really happens inside him, and have hope that someday he will get there. That's all beyond my control though, so for now, it's just taking a step at a time, trying to keep it in the right direction.
It sounds like you got somewhere with drawing your line in the sand. It's a fine line to walk, and realize we'll all fall off from time to time, but what matters is that we pick ourselves up and keep on moving.
Thanks. Yikes,I won't be drawing any lines for a while now. Whew. We have absolutely NO control, no ability to really get them to open up. I'm sure the neediness that stemmed from not knowing what he was thinking has affected me more than I realize. I think I "fished" for information too much and impeded happier and healthier moments.
I had no idea all that was in there. None. I mean, I never believed him when he said he didn't love me anymore... maybe had he looked me in the eye and said it I would have. He mentioned that he knew I never stopped believing in us and it "saved him"? Not sure what he meant by a lot he said, but just had to let him talk. I guess I just want to say that all those wise ones before us that said "ILYBINILWY" is a scripted response that basically means NOTHING are right. There is hope out there that the most closed off, conflict avoiding spouse in the world may just open up sometime when you least expect it. I think it's in there Aud, and you so deserve to hear it. The spouses of the posters here are so lucky.
But I still think I need to go back to reading here more and working harder at KLA because I find myself too easily sliding into old behavior patterns.
hey Kel, I sure understand, when we have our little WW3 is when H really shows me what he's been smoldering about (I sure wish it didn't have to happen in a bad way) but anyways, our latest rucus led him to agree to see our MC, for that i'm grateful.
I remember, the day I found out about the 2nd A, how in the mids of me fuming he'd say "I'm actually glad it is over" . Sure, he got a kick of the thrill, but at what price!
============= sometimes I really believe he has felt very little remorse over his actions, mostly because he has displayed so little. But I also realize that I have NO IDEA what really happens inside him, and have hope that someday he will get there ================ Aud, girl, I so hear your pain, having my H just said a very short dispasionate "sorry" at the MC about the latest A really got to me. And no, we really have no idea how they process things, A) because men think differently B) because he is just a human bein who thinks and rationalizes things differently.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I'm happy for you that he is going with you and I hope the short "sorry" was just the beginning, Cat, and that he starts to use the MC in a way you can get the most out of it.
I'd feel a lot safer if we went to some kind of counselor so he could get more out in a safe place.
Thank you Kel and Cat. I really appreciate your words, because I know they're true.
I'm so sorry we're all going through this, but I'm glad that 1)I've been able to associate with people here who will forever be on my list of heroes, and 2)I have a lot more clarity on who I really am, where I want to be, and what is really most important in my life.
I pray, a year from now, I can post something like this.