Can my wife be having a MLC? I have posted in the newcomers forum but thought i would give mlc a try as some have suggested. My W has basically completely changed in the last 6 months since she found her high school boyfriend from 32 years ago online in March. She bought a seperate cell phone so she could call him without me knowing it, and spends most of her non working hours on the computer. I have been doing the DB thing the last couple of weeks, and it seems to be working. What i would like to know is what things i should be looking for to help me in this mlc. She turns 50 in december, can't sleep, has constant hot flashes, and is generally miserable every other day. Her mind is a thousand miles away, as some things that she used to do at home are now on the back burner. Most of her plants inside and outside would die if i didnt take care of them. She no longer waters them, and you would have thought before that she over watered them. Our kids are both now in college, a D in second year, and a S who just started at Penn State. She almost had a major meltdown last year in the fall when my D was having a problems being away from home for the first time. She all of a sudden in concerned where i go and what i do, and i just dont tell her much. I cant get her to go to the doctor, as i think she needs hormone therapy. She had a hysterectomy a few years ago, and i know the hormones are all screwed up. I know she was having small problems before the OM, mainly hot flashes, and not being able to sleep. I think the EA has made everything worse. Is there anything i need to watch out for? What strategy can i use if this is truly MLC. Thank you for any advice.
Hi all, been fairly busy with work the last week and haven't been able to talk much here, however i think the DB thing is starting to have an affect on my W. She is now concerned where i am and where i am going, has been extremely nice to me the last week, and has been starting conversations with me that hasn't happened in a long time. I still am trying to keep my distance, and even started to do 180's on a lot of things. My biggest concern is doing the LRT as everyone suggests because my W has filed. I think that the LRT is what made her do a night out with the girls last week, and also made her go to the beach with those same girls. Both were at the last minute and i think that she did both to spite me. She had planned to goto the beach from thursday to saturday, and actually came home on friday. Didn't ask what happened, and she said that the girl she went with had been called into work. Part of my 180's are things that I have said that i would do around the house, such as painting and cleaning the garage and my work bench, and have put off for months and years. I painted the kitchen this past weekend and actually got a compliment from the W that it looks good. I thanked her and said that i have a lot more to do. Maybe the LRT right now is too drastic, and i think i will continue with the 180's to see if i get more response. Any ideas?
If you think she see's your 180's as persuing, I'd stop. There are things you can do for yourself that might make her "notice" even if she doesn't mention them.
Notice what kind of response you get from what you do (or don't do) and treat it like a science experiment. This helps me stay detached and to work towards results.
Jack and Was are really smart and have helped me more than they know (Thanks to you both (blowing a kiss inserted here)). Listen to them esp. about PATIENCE. If you don't have that get it or buy a strait jacket now.
Grace, thanks for the info. It seems that when i have been doing things around the house that i have put off for a long time, she seems to respond positively. When i do the GAL, she seems very distant and ticked off. Last nite after dinner, my D and her boyfriend left for the evening, and I changed clothes and just walked out of the house to do my nightly walk. When i came back i proceded to do some work for my business and i got the silent treatment. Thats ok, because she has plenty of time now to think. I have been taking things day by day, and i refuse to let her get me down. The interesting thing is she still asks me if i need anything when she goes shopping, and approached me last week about our health insurance changing for the next year. She said that we need to decide what we wanted to do, as the cost is increasing. The insurance is through my W's employer, as hers is better than what i can get. We decided to keep the current plan. The major confusing part is that if she truly wanted out of this relationship, i would think that she wouldn't be interested in me or anything at this point, whether i need stuff at the store, or whether the insurance will continue for the next year. Any thoughts?
Just wanted to chime in...your comment about your W not sleeping caught my attention. Not sleeping is also a symptom of depression. I point that out to you because many of the more experienced posters on here believe that depression is the thread that runs through all of MLC. I don't mean to suggest she is, or that if she is, you should do anything at all other than understand it. Like W2s and others, I believe you cannot and should not try to fix her. OTOH, understanding always helps with compassion.
Two good books on female depression: You Mean I don't Have to fell this way (colette dowling) and Perfect Daughters (more toward women from alcoholic families) by Ackerman.
Good luck. This is quite a trip you find yourself on.
I hope that these changes you are making in yourself are for you and not to provoke a change of heart in your wife.
Yes she will notice these changes, but if they are not for you, because you want to make these changes for you, then they will fade, and she will also see that.
Any thoughts about your insurance? Glad you have it. Or did you mean any thoughts about her wanting out of the marriage?
She is still around right? making plans that reach into next year...that is pretty impressive for an MLCer. Do not read too much into the actions of the MLCer, until those actions are consistent...much like your changes you are making.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hi Jack, and AH, i have been trying to change me, and some of the things that i am doing around the house are to make me feel better and to keep me busy. I have thought about that what i am doing may make her feel better, but these are things that i enjoy doing. I love to fix the house, and i love to tinker on cars. These are things that i havent done for several years. As far as depression, i would not doubt that she is suffering from it. Jack, as far as the insurance thing, my thoughts were that if she really wanted out of the marriage, then why would she be concerned about the insurance for the next year? Maybe this isnt quite the MLC that i think it is. I do have good news to report. I had an appointment this afternoon with my counselor that espouses the sbt that Michelle advocates. This guy has a phd and is very sought after. My W and i had an appointment a month ago and it didnt go well after he suggested that we need to focuse on the positive and to look forward instead of back. She hit the roof and said she wouldn't go back. However today when i was scheduling my next appt, i found out that my wife goes to see him on thursday. He is totally pro marriage and he knows my side of the story, and i think he may be able to get my wife to open up to him. Time will only tell. I just think that this is a positive thing, because if she really didnt want to go, she wouldnt go. I will keep my distance and let her have her space. Not to make a big deal out of this, but my W and D and i went to church on sunday and the sermon was about second chances. In the bulletin that my W got and was reading on the way home, the pastor had a few paragraphs of reflection on the sermon. He said that some things in our lives are so bad that we need to start over from scratch. A second chance is what we all need. We my need it several times in our lives. We need to know that no matter what has happened, or is happening in our lives, that there is always the chance to start over again. There is a quote that he put in that said "I wish there were some wonderful place called the Land of the Beginning Again, where all of our past mistakes and heartaches, and all of our poor selfish grief, could be dropped like a shabby old coat at the door. And never be put on again." I dont know about all of you, but i havent been too religious in a long time, but that really strikes at my heart. I have to have faith that this will all work out in time. Thanks, to all for listening.
Hi all, need some thoughts on W's latest. Since i have been detaching and GAL. the W has all of a sudden starting doing the same thing. She has been going out unannounced, bought new curtains for "her" bedroom, and in between is still trying to talk normal to me. I have not reacted in anyway, other than to affirm what she says, and to be nice to her. I am hoping my positive reactions are beginning to get the "wheels" turning in her head, but at the same time, am i pushing her away by her doing her own GAL. Any advice or thoughts from those with the same sitch? Thanks.
