Not sure what to do. I walked in on my fiance this morning on a website and it wasn't the first time. He knows that it hurts my feelings because it triggers all sorts of insecurities. I'm really trying to work on handling this in a mature way and not overreacting because most men do these sorts of things, but I just can't shake it. When he learned how this affected me earlier in our relationship, he said that he will try to limit the amount of time he does it (once a month or so - of course how would I know that?) In any case, it sounds ok in theory, but then I walk in on him and I feel completely overwhelmed, hurt, angry and scared. I know it's not the same or even close to cheating but when I witnessed him involved in something sexual that has nothing to do with me it felt like I was an intruder...like I'm the other woman or something. I don't know. Any thoughts? Advice? Your stories?
I am sorry you are having those feelings. Have you calmly asked your fiance why he looks at those photos? I don't have any experience in this area, but I wanted to say HI to you. Your feelings of hurt and betrayal are the same as ours. What do you say when you find him doing this?
There's a chapter in the DR book on internet infidelity. Yes, it is common and probably some here have done the same as your husband. But, to put you have to decide for yourself what you can or cannot live with and set your boundaries. If you can live with it as long as you don’t know make sure he respects that or if you can not tolerate it at all let him know and possibly suggest counseling.
H 30 (me) W 28 Married 9 yrs 2 children EA found out on 7/5/07 ILYBNILWY 8/25/07 The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates
There's also the issue of "you think it's wrong, he thinks it's ok".
If you want it to stop, you have two (marriage-friendly) alternatives:
a) convince him that it is wrong b) convince him that it hurts you, so he should stop anyway.
This "try to limit" thing, sounds like bunk. First of all.. .if he CAN limit it, to only "once a month", why not just stop altogether? Secondly... if he CANT stop (and sounds like he cant.. or at least, hasnt convinced himself it's important enough to), then that is the definition of an addiction, and he should seek professional help.
So you might confront him on that: "So, CAN you stop, or are you addicted and you need professional help?"
as Yoda says, "do, or do not. there is no 'try'" he might resonate with that one, being a guy an all
oh waitaminit.. you arent married yet. So, you have a chance to be a bit more direct with him.
The best thing you can do, is share with him, exactly what you just shared with us. that it may not be physically cheating, but it makes you feel like you are 'sharing him' with other women. and that you could not be married to a man, who is not exclusively committed to you at the sexual level.
Side note: if you're going to be drawing the line at his online fantasies, I hope that you are completely "clean" yourself, in the fantasy world. That is, no "oh I think viggo mortensen is SOOO hot!" type things from your side.
Decide what kind of commitment you need from a marital relationship. Then dont compromise on it. Call off the wedding if you have to. If it is more important to him than you now... and you marry him... it will be all the more worse for you if you do get married.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I agree with especially that last part. Don't ask of other's what you won't do yourself -- lester's first rule of leadership. Well it works for life in general too. my w shares way too much info about past relationships. I don't i consider it disrespectful to go into gory details about the past..
H 30 (me) W 28 Married 9 yrs 2 children EA found out on 7/5/07 ILYBNILWY 8/25/07 The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates
Ok hun, Im in no way condoning his actions, but speaking from one who knows, this was our issue and its ongoing...
My H has an extremly high sex drive. Mine is very low. he actually felt rejected when I didn't want to and porn is where he turned. Don't get me wrong, some men just like looking at porn.. they are visual creatures.. we are emotional ones.. anyway, It does not mean he doesn't love you.. believe me.. I still struggle with it, but ive learned not to take is personally. My H doesn't look at it anymore (at least I don't think he does but is still stings.. My H is very active in the bedroom and ive started to have an open mind. Not crossing any lines mind you, but if he is not paying attention to you and looking towards porn instead of you, than that is a problem.
I would definately ask him to stop that it hurts you and if you want to go forward with an honest relationship, that it has to start there. I would also tell him that you are willing to discuss any changes that would make your Relationship better.
Take Care.
TAL
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Thanks for responding! This has been an issue in our relationship for about 3 years now and I usually begin by telling him how it makes me feel insecure our inadequate and how I have less against porn than the fact that he engages in it without me or engages in deceit by covering his tracks. I know the covering is done because he doesn't want to deal with conflict, but why not just stop the behavior then? Thank you for the support...it's nice to have someone respond to me in that way.
Thank you all for your feedback. I think you are right in that this is likely an addiction for him, which he seems to be in denial about. As for if only doing once a month then why not stop all together. This seems to be mostly because he wants to keep porn a part of the relationship and has great fears about having a sexually complacent relationship which I think porn comforts him around that in some way. I think that sex life is very diverse, fun and active and I think that he would agree if you asked him. In the past I've said to him that I would prefer that if it is to be a part of his life that we do it together, but he seems somewhat reluctant or shy about doing this. As for if I have my own side habit, I don't. I'm pretty unsophisticated when it comes to porn and in fact only really have been exposed to it within this relationship. But I'm open minded. We've tried counseling in the past on this issue and it really went nowhere. I'm thinking about going back by myself. I guess what makes this the most frustrating is that I DO have to find my limits and stay with that before we get married, but I really don't know where that limit is...this, I realize is a problem in many areas of my life. Ugh.
