He is just nuts........

[bambam1970]

Is this really my life????

On Sunday one of my boys started talking w/me about H. Ross told me that a boy told him at recess that H was dating this boy's aunt or something similar. Ross said he didn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me. Told me also that baseball mom's son told him H was dating his mom. WTF??????????


So, I called H. Yes, probably dumb, but did it anyway. Was calm. Just shared w/him this info and told him that I wanted him to know b/c he couldn't do anything about it if he didn't know. He said he had NO IDEA who the aunt was and seemed just shocked that someone would say something like that about him. So I said, are you seeing anyone? And he said "Well, I guess kind of "baseball mom".

OK>.................he's SHOCKED that someone would assume he is dating this aunt, but he is seeing baseball mom. I just said "You told me you would wait until D was final so the kids wouldn't have to hear this stuff". H sais "I'm not dating her. I don't take her in public or have her around my kids. She just comes over." To which I replied "BUt you cannot control what SHE tells people and she IS telling them you are dating which went directly to our boys at school on the playground"

I said some things like "As far as we are concerned, it is over. I'm not concerned w/you personal life UNLESS if affects our kids. Than I must do something." He tried the whole "Fine..I'm the bad guy. I'll take all the blame...blah blah blah". I said "If you would step outside your box for 1 second you would see the life you've created for yourself, me and the kids." He said "I SEE IT EVERTIME I PULL IN MY DRIVEWAY OR AT YOUR NEW HOUSE! I SEE WHAT I'VE DONE" .

I said "We can deal w/that life now b/c it is what it is. But until you take some responsibility for your actions, things will not be good for you and our children".

So, he talked to the boys. The boys told me he said he had made a mistake "talking" to baseball mom and would now wait until after D was final and give it more time before he decides if she is who he wants to be with. Told them he has made some very bad choices and, if he could go back, he would change things.

Ross and i had a long talk about how H is a great person even tho he is making some bad choices. Ross said "Seeing baseball mom when he is still married is something he could have chosen not to do." I said "yes it is. But, we cannot control what dad chooses only what we choose".

It was yucky. I told H that I feel completely alone in trying to lead our kids w/security and show them responsibility.

Sometimes I get tired of being the strong, responsible one.

And, something kind of funny. I had heard that OW#1 had been seeing one of H's co-workers who was also his best friend these past few years. So, when talking to him he told me lots of rumors were floating around and to be prepared. So, I said "Well, clear one up for me. Is OW#1 seeing another co-worker?" He acted ignorant "Seeing one of them. You mean dating?" I said "Ok...is she sleeping w/one of them" and he said "Yes....Matt."

I'm pretty sure I heard him fall off his chair when I asked the question. So, I said "Wow. How'd that make you feel?" and he said "It's life. You live and learn."

I said, "Yep. That's right."

So, I feel some satisfaction that OW#1 (who left her family telling everyone she was in love with my H) dumped H. Is that mean? I think he felt some (on a very smaller level) feelings of betrayal and humiliation. Is it wrong to be somewhat happy about that?

So...I've rambled. Been a long weekend. Tough on my babies. Tough on me. But, we got out of bed this AM and lived another day! I'm proud of us!

[Lissie]

I could of written this.

And my heart hurts so bad to see another [censored], dumping his crap on the kids.



Bam, you and I have to do our last, bit of detaching.

You filed, you raise those kids wonderfully. Now, it is time to be truthful to ourselves.

I know how you feel, you just want one shred of decency from him. One thing telling you that you were not sleeping with the enemy for xx years.

But mamma, for the good of your sanity, and your kids.

Let him go completely.

You hear rumors about him, take a deep breath and keep going.

Tell your kids, the truth, what he is doing is wrong. He loves you, but his choices are wrong.

NO more covering up, for him. He made his bed............

NO more calling him. HE will do what he wants, before the D, after the D.

Your kids will look up to you. They will see that mom was the one there at night, in the morning, tucking them in.

They will see it

I am sorry for the hurt and the frusteration. I feel you mamma.

[Upside]

Hi Bam-
Lissie is right. It is all about the kids now. Try not to worry about what your STBX is doing...he is nuts. My first H left when my kids were babies and eventually went to live with the OW (made a couple of kids with her, then married her, then made a couple more kids) and during the serveral years they lived together, he took our kids to church on the Sundays they were with him. The hypocracy drove me nuts but you just have to get to the point where you can let it go and move on. You have to teach your children right and wrong and you have to do it while trying not to bash their father. They will get it and someday thank you for it.

At least these rumors didn't come out before the D was filed. That would have been a lot worse.

Don't let him get to you and pretty soon you won't care what he does in his personal life.

<3
Upside

[bambam1970]

Thanks guys.

I guess I just have such a hard time believing someone could actually do these things. I guess that's a good thing b/c it means I wouldn't....at least in my right mind which he is not.

And Lissie, that's it exactly. Just show me one thing that tells me I wasn't putting so much energy for 20 years on someone who is simply a jerk.

I'm working on that final detachment. Somehow I think it will come after the D is final (October 9th). That will bring some closure for me that I think will let me turn that final corner.

The rumors - OMG. Sometimes I can step back and just think "Is this really my life????". And it is. Sigghhh.....

Thanks you two! It has helped me a lot reading your encouraging words this morning!

[bambam1970]

Bam, you and I have to do our last, bit of detaching.

You filed, you raise those kids wonderfully. Now, it is time to be truthful to ourselves.

I know how you feel, you just want one shred of decency from him. One thing telling you that you were not sleeping with the enemy for xx years.

But mamma, for the good of your sanity, and your kids.

Let him go completely.

Lissie,

How are you working through this? How do you let them go completely? I think I'm on the right path, but how can we be sure????

[Lissie]

I work thru it every day I guess. This is the worst it has been.

And now I have Suehoe up my ass , saying she is sooo confused.

bleh

Detaching this little bit is , finally being able to realize (for me)
that the man I married was not who I thought.

And I have to put to bed all of my ways of thinking about him, and condition myslef to see him as the person he is now.

Disrespectful and selfish and just now a good person at all.

I have to let go of giving him the benefit of the doubt

I have to let go, of that deep down there somewhere he is good, he is not.

I have to accept it.

I have to ask God to help me forgive him in my own time, but for now I needed to close the last chapter.

That is how I am going to do it.

[bambam1970]

Really?

That scares me so much. I almost cannot stand the thought of realizing the person I was married to was a phony.

That hurts more than anything else I've gone through I think.

But, I just don't like him. He makes my skin crawl when he's around. But, memories make me sad. Because that's the person I remember and loved. Not this person.

My poor babies, Lissie. Your poor babies. I cannot stand them seeing this man as their dad and the one I chose to be that.

I know I can do this. I know I can make them honorable adults. I'm just very tired and scared and sad today.

[Lissie]

I am not saying that the man you were married to was a phony.

I am saying that the man you are married to know sucks ass.

The man you were married to was wonderful I know it.

But that man is gone.

This new man, sucks.

And maybe you have to think in the present, and not in the past.

ANd maybe you have to put away all those good times, in your heart, for a later time. For a time when you are more detached (ick) and much stronger.

(sigh) you can do this mamma.

For your sanity

And maybe my way of thinking is not the right way at all, but it is the only way I see that his can be done, for me.

((((((((((((((((((BAM))))))))))))))))))))

it just sux

[bambam1970]

Thanks sister.

I know you weren't saying that about my H. I'm just wondering it aloud.

I do need to stay in the present and detach even more. My kids hurts this last week are killing me (posted some on your thread)

Trying to hold my head up and deal w/it. Just tough today.

I think your way of thinking is pretty accurate....for me, too. I will do it. Just with a lot of tears today

Thanks Lissie! You have been a good friend to me.

[bambam1970]

Last night I had to take my boys to school for band try-outs.

They are both gonna play the trumpet. How freaking cute is that? Can't wait to seem them on stage side by side belting out music!

Kids and I got our picture taken at church for the directory this week.. First one w/o H. Was ok. My boys looked so strong and handsome standing behind me. Josie was a precious angel beside me. H has no idea what he has thrown away!

K...drying the tears and covering the puffy eyes and heading to work!

Thanks friends.