Update: I want to Salavage my Marriage

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi All,

For those of you like Heim and Steel that are following the continuing saga of the craptacular mess that is my marriage, here is the next installment:

Well, things are not better and perhaps a bit worse. W tells me she is "OK with divorce now." She says she was worried about loosing everything but now realized she will be OK. She even prompts me on occasion to go ahead and file, of course, I most certainly will not. I am hoping she is saying that just to alien spew.

Last night she stayed out to about 4AM. I guess having no job gives her plenty of free time. I was very disappointed in that. She also has quite a foul mouth on her still, even in front of the kids.

I still tell her that I do not think divorce is the answer and that I want to rebuild our marriage. She doubts we will ever be able to trust each other. I have no idea how to respond to that.

Best,

--Chris

[oldtimer]

It is better to feel that divorce is an option that will be OK than to feel trapped in a M.

[Not Much Left]

OT, do you really think that? Trapped is a self imposed "feeling" that someone chooses. Shouldnt Divorce be an option only in certain circumstances otherwise it is just to easy to just flip in and out of Rs and Ms?

C

[oldtimer]

Yes, I really think that. People should be free to choose to stay in the M, or not. Not being trapped in an M because of economic dependence doesn't make D easy.

[Heimlich]

Chris,

Let me ask you this. When/if your W changes her mind and agrees to work on the M, you want that decision based on economics or her feelings for you and what you could have together?

Sorry your W is going crazy. Sounds like you and Atlas are in somewhat of the same situation with that. Stay patient, be kind, be calm. Take the focus off of her and put it on you and your kids. I know, I've said that before, but focusing on her is going to make you nuts.

Have you planned your trip east yet? That ought to settle your mind for a bit.

BD

[PhD_ChrisD]

I'm going to have to agree with CVA on this one. No one is truley held prisoner in any situation, it is more of a feeling than a reality. Unless, of course, Al Queda is holding a gun on you.

WRT, economic dependence, I would forward that is also a matter of perception. One person's idea of dependence is another person's idea of care. Partners depend on each other for a variety of need fullfilments: sex, love, caring, taking out the trash, mowing the law, and yes, to some degree economics plays a role as well.

I do think my W feels an imbalance in a number of areas of our M including the financial aspects. I am no psychologist, but I would think that is a contributing factor to her discontent. However, I do not want to get a D over economics.

Best,
--Chris

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hey Heim,

I hope it is definately based on the latter (her heart). However, economics would probably be a pragmatic factor in her decision. That is only logicial. I am not sure how the thread was vectored to economic considerations anyway.

If she wants to work, I supported her on that. When she does not want to work, I am fine with that as well. Either way has always been OK with me and us, so she does what she wants. She was a happy stay at home mom for a long time. My earnings are such that we do fine either way. I think we both prefered her to stay at home. However, she is in stage where she wants to go to school, so I am fine with that as well.

I am taking the kids back east next week. This will give W a few weeks to decompress. I doubt it is any panacea, but at this point anything and all things DB cannot hurt.

Thanks for checking in with me Heim!

Best,
--Chris

[oldtimer]

I didn't suggest that you get D over economics. I suggested that it was better that one not be trapped in a M because of economics. You can't have a decent M if one person does not feel free.

[PhD_ChrisD]

I intrepreted your "not be trapped in a marriage" as "divorce."

However, my response is such that a person cannot be trapped (or feel as such) in a marriage becuase of anything (come short of Al Queda or some sort of hostage situation). Let me rephrase: I believe that there is no such thing as being trapped in a marriage, there is always change available (physically or physchologically). If a partner feels economically "trapped" (I emphaize feel as I think it is a state of feeling as opposed to reality), then I think the feelings could be rectified (and should be) before damage occurs.

People often substitute children for economics. "We are staying married for the children" seems common. I would posit that people stay married becuase that is their desire. Children, economics, etc. are nothing more than mitigating circumstances.



--Chris

[PhD_ChrisD]

Well, W stayed out all night again last night and the night before. She comes home about 7 or 8 am just in time to send our kids off. I am getting really sick of that crap. Anyway, at least she was pleasant this morning, that is a plus.

We are taking S to Disneyland on Sunday for his birthday. I hope to DB a lot there are try to make it as positive as I can. What I would give for just a normal marriage where we go places like Disneyland with out all the D stuff hanging over our heads.

Best,
--Chris