Can someone plleeeease help me? I don't even know if I'm in the right forum or how to post right. I'm in a totally backwards situation. I just found out about DB and it makes sense. My situation is unique because the W (newly weds for 8 months) says she has never felt love except for once in our very short engagement, but we are catholic and she is committed to marriage so no divorce. But living like this is HELL. She has severe depression and past sexaul issues, and she hates herself, how she looks, and says she doesn't feel love period. WHere do I even begin to go from there? I am probably the most sensitive, affectionate, old-fashioned, lovers, but nothing seems to work. How can someone tell you they feel nothing for you and just turn their back on you in bed? I profess my love, do everything, and basically baby her. I think codependence on my part. Am I driving her away with too much smothering? I'm just dizzy at this point. Every time I think it's going good, I'll spend a day in hell trying to make her happy like a child, granting her anything she wants. Then she'll get all mopey dopey at the end of what any other woman would view as the perfect day of being catered too, and says she's not good enough for me, and I should be with another woman, to which I reply, "Of course not, you are my equal, I love you and God picked us for each other and I'll never leave you."
I don't understand how to implement DB methods in this instance. She says she doesn't love me and I am doing all the things an ideal husband should be doing, so am I supposed to stop doing all the loving things and ignore her to make her somehow love me. It would seem counterproductive.
She's not threatening to walk out, and reassures me, but she always mentions she wants the happy cloud feeling she had with A-holes from the past, even though she knows they were horrible to her. To me it's like the classic case of self-hatred, self-loathing (there are eating disorders, too); like she's locking off being able to love and feel love.
help. Top #1194614 - 50 minutes 36 seconds ago Re: Tucson or Bust, part 3 [Re: jimmybean] jimmybean Junior Member
Registered: 09/10/07 Posts: 3 Oh. Forgot to mention the fact that I have been a jerk about sex in the past. It was a little disconcerting to discover that all the talk about crazy sex after marriage was a fizzle. Basically, it fizzled even on the honeymoon night. I went through my bad stage of basically being like, look, I need this and it's not healthy that you don't want it, and I want to pleasure you the best way, etc. I mean, I can still do like 4 hours of foreplay, without sex even wanted and she'll turn around or just pop out of bed. It got better since I learned to not ask, beg, etc, but it's kind of a disgusting feeling to think you are making progress after great sex and cuddling and sharing and then still be told on various occasions, "I'm really praying that God allows me to feel love for you." So basically, all the love-making was one-sided. I don't think she doesn't feel love. I think she denies herself to feel and acknowlege it and happy moments and memories.
My wife definitely needs therapy to deal with issues, and I tell her I will help and we could get counseling, but I'm smart enough to know I can't continue to sign her up for everyhting, make appointments she never keeps or follows up on. I want to support her but she has to want help as much as I do. Am I wrong for thinking that, or should I be making her appointments and guiding her through?
I'm just drained. It seems like I have become a live-in spiritual guru, trainer, motivator, therapist, and court jester, plastic model husband. Everything except for a lover. I make hot lunches for her breaks at work and bring them, and she says she loves me coming and looks forward to that as the highlight of her day (she works evening shift). Do I need to ease back on these everyday expected visits and nice-ities, making dinner, massages, etc? Note, she is an awesome wife as far as cleaning and doing bills and laundry; she's OCD. I don't have a problem or think there's a problem and life is great until she starts cutting herself down, telling me she shouldn't be with me, I deserve better, saying how fat she is (she's a stick), how she is worthless, can't give me the love I deserve, etc. I mean, at a certain point, I start feeling guilty because I'm thinking, 'Darn. Maybe you're right!" SHe's her own worst fan.
"Every time I think it's going good, I'll spend a day in hell trying to make her happy like a child, granting her anything she wants. "
"I am probably the most sensitive, affectionate, old-fashioned, lovers, but nothing seems to work."
"It seems like I have become a live-in spiritual guru, trainer, motivator, therapist, and court jester, plastic model husband."
"She's not threatening to walk out, and reassures me, but she always mentions she wants the happy cloud feeling she had with A-holes from the past, even though she knows they were horrible to her"
!RED ALERT!
You sound like a really really really nice guy, that's not a good thing. Go get "no more mr nice guy by Robert Glover" as soon as you can. Your wife has issues, you do as well.
My first question is knowing what you know about your wife why did you choose to marry her?
I don't usually say this but I have on occasion and only for newly wed couples without children.... This marriage may be in too deep a hole to climb out of. If you were my son I would advise you to annul the marriage or D, then get into counseling. If she will go too then all the better. Spend a year or two working things out and if they get better, then remarry.
If you two have kids, you will be facing a nightmare like you have no idea. And the damage will fall most heavily on the kids. Get out now.
Now if you choose not to heed that advice, then prepare for a lot of hard work.
I will second Martelo's suggestion on getting the No More Mr. Nice Guy book. That, more than anything, I think will help JB. Unfortunately, the sex issue is the LEAST of their problems... even though it may not feel that way.
It's IS going to be a long, slow haul... so the first thing is for JB to understand that he cannot FIX his wife. He cannot PLEASE her enough, can't anticipate her needs/give her what she wants enough... it doesn't work that way.
As a matter of fact, he probably needs to do a 180 on darn near EVERYTHING he is currently doing.
I'm just drained. It seems like I have become a live-in spiritual guru, trainer, motivator, therapist, and court jester, plastic model husband. Everything except for a lover. I make hot lunches for her breaks at work and bring them, and she says she loves me coming and looks forward to that as the highlight of her day (she works evening shift). Do I need to ease back on these everyday expected visits and nice-ities, making dinner, massages, etc?
Why are you going these things? This is not an attacking question.
Because you want to and you think this is what it takes for you to consider yourself a good husband?
Because you think you should and this is what it takes to make your wife love/desire you?
Is your wife willing to go to therapy?
Have the two of you ever discussed this? And if so, what was her reaction both words and follow through (or lack of)?
The reality is that you are over your head. And your marriage needs help. The question is whether or not you AND your wife are willing to pursue that help.
George : It's not working, Jerry. It's just not working.
Jerry : What is it that isn't working?
George : Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but ... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong.
( A waitress comes up to G )
Waitress : Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
George : Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup of tea.
Elaine : Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
Jimmy you really do have to consider whether to get your M annulled. Your W married you under a FALSE pretext. For whatever reason.
There are people on this board that have been married many many years and have kids and are struggling to keep their M's intact - and more power to them. And people like Cobra and Lil and me and others here will pitch in and try to help them keep their M's together.
But you are NOT in that boat so please don't act like you are. You are young (I assume) and have your life ahead of you, please don't feel like you are being a bad person by saying "Whoops - I made a mistake". You have the chance at this point in your life to back away from this and it does not show lack of committment, you have that in spades. As Lil's tag line says "somewhere there is a chilli you can't eat".
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
