Wife moved out, to stay with a friend initially, but has just got her own place. I know that her friends and family are all telling her she's doing the right thing, and giving her lots of support. Her mother even gave her advice on what to do on "leaving day", and her dad is buying her a new car.
Is there any way to get the friends and family to butt out, without making things worse, while implementing the LR technique?
Hi, I am in the same boat. The only difference is its only 1 friend. My husband is easily influenced by this person and I think the only reason he moved out is bc his friend is having marriage problems and mentioned leaving his wife. He says thats not true. But friends are one of the biggest problems when it comes to divorce. Unfortunately, I dont think there is anything you or I can do to get them to butt-out. I hope your problems work out. Good luck.
That's an excellent question, I'm there too. My W is in a different state with friends I've met once or twice who I know are pushing her to get out of this M because all they hear is how much of a pain I am. If you check out www.[censored], he has some information about that but I didn't find any of it to be relevant to my sitch. Might work for you though. Best thing I can suggest is to buy time and make the changes you need to make.
My mom told me to show my face and be kind. Then no one can say anything negative. Live with integrity as though eyes are on you. This is difficult because you cannot let your guard down but it can be seen as just being positive. No one encourages their friends to leave a happy and suppotive spouse. I heard my H's dead beat transitional friend talk bad about me. There is nothing I can do about that.....except call his ex wife and let karma handle the rest.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
You can do nothing and should do nothing. That is their support group and you should not interfer with it. Whether you feel they are getting good input or bad, that is not up to you to decide. You can not change how they feel, by trying to change there thought process or that of their support group.
I know how you feel. My wife has 5 girlfriends in her support group. 4 of them are divorced single mothers and 1 is on rocky ground with her spouse. I know absolutely full well that they are influencing her. I can see it in responses she gives me. After 15 years of marriage, I know my spouse's comments and I can definitely pick upon the words or comments that she makes to me that are her friends, not her own. She has even admitted to me the influence they are having on her. But, to attack their support group is to attack them. Prove them wrong, by being the exact opposite of how they perceive you. Show them who is right by your actions and the egg will be on their face.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
My H and I are friends with a couple. Both are divorced because their spouses had affairs. We went through the divorce with the male side of the couple and stuck by him even though we used to be friends with he and his wife.
So we are with this couple all through their dating, the butterflies in the stomach, the exciting part of a new relationship.
H, of course, wants the butterfly feeling again. These friends certainly didn't encourage anything - they just dated, but I really feel that he looked at their relationship, saw that they improved their lives from where they were with their exs, and thought the same could happen to him.
Where I really struggle is that this couple each have children from their marriages. They do the alternate weekend thing and have their children on the same weekend...the same weekend as my H has our kids. So they all do things together, every weekend. I, of course, am not invited. Now the female side of this couple still calls me, invites me out occasionally, etc.
But my thing is, that they are making this pretty easy on H. They continue to go out with him a lot, help him when he has the kids by doing stuff with him, etc. I want to tell these friends to stop - how is he going to get lonely if you guys are around all of the time? How is he going to deal with the kids if you guys do it for him. How is he going to miss me if he continues to have all this fun without me.
But, of course, I don't. I don't say a word and continue to go about my business. I keep telling myself...dignity, grace, high road.
But to be honest, it is hard for me. Each one in this couple had a spouse who cheated on them. For the female side of the couple, she basically made her friends decide - you pick me or him but you can't be friends with both. He was wrong, so if you pick him, you are wrong. Yet they continue to be very close to H. They don't think he is having an affair (I think he is but he denies it and I think that he doesn't want to admit it because he will lose some friends if he does). They have lived this, been through it, yet do not see it clearly.
I certainly can't tell them that I think that there is a sliver of hope. They would think I am nuts. They have been told that he is divorcing me and that is that.
It is not that I want them to pick sides. I simply want them to back off so he can feel a little lonely
But that isn't going to happen any time soon.
So my issue is a little different - they are not necessarily a bad influence - but they aren't helping.
