H just got back from a week away on a scuba diving trip. He really needed a break, and it sounds like he had a good time. He has been acting very distant with me however since he returned. He has cuddled the dog, cuddled the kids and spent time hanging out with them. He has been polite to me, given me a small peck which I barely felt. At one point I gave him a hug and asked "how's the diving body" meaning how is your body shaping up after a week's diving, usually it has a good effect and usually he's proud of it. He just said "fine" and shifted away from me. Last night when he came to bed (about 2 hours after me) he did not cuddle up at all, and when I shifted position so my foot touched his he moved his foot away. That is quite significant behaviour in our R, even in the most severe SSM periods we have mostly had some form of physical contact in bed, just a hand on a shoulder or whatever. S8 got in the bed next to me this morning. He sometimes does this but not often. Because he stayed longer than he normally would I said "You're feeling cuddly this morning" to him. H reached over me (without touching me at all) and ruffled S8's hair.
I guess he had a very good time on the boat. The people he was with are mostly younger then him without families and are all people he knows quite well from dive club. I suspect he was feeling "this is the real me" when he was hanging with them. And now it's back to reality.
I don't want to invade someone's space, I don't want to be a clingy pursuer. So I have not tried (like I would have in the past) to force the issue with him. This of course risks him perceiving that I am not welcoming him back. But when you get the tiniest of hello kisses, when you get flinched away from when you offer a hug, when you get blank glassy stares and a long-suffering expression in place of conversation, there is only so much you can do to be warm and welcoming.
Things I have done: Kissed him Smiled at him Made conversation: eg asked him about the trip, updated him on how the kids are doing, how the dog is doing etc Cooked a nice meal (roast duck) Done his laundry Admired his tan Complimented and thanked him for making a good suggestion about adding grapes to the sauce for the duck
Things I haven't done: Asked him what's wrong Tried to cuddle up to him
We had a minor spat this morning when he asked me if I would bring the car back after dropping the kids at the child-minder's house.
I said "I can if you need me to"
He immediately told me off for making assumptions, saying he didn't need me to second guess what he was doing just say whether or not I was leaving the car outside the house.
I said "I hadn't been going to, but your question triggered the thought that perhaps you would need it."
He then said, "No I don't I'm going to work anyway I just wanted to know if the dog's been out for a pee"
So I said "Well why didn't you ask me that then, instead of accusing me of double speak. Yes he's been out."
It just seemed like uncalled for nastiness.
When I read the Relationship Types article Lou posted on his thread I identified our R as a survival R. I think it always was. I think after I split up from xBF I felt traumatised and reached out for an R any R to fill the gap. H just happened to be there. I think that survival mode was strongly reinforced by the fact the two of us went of back-packing round South America for a year as soon as our R was out in the open. We clung together as 2 gringos in an strange world.
I also think my mum modelled a survival R for me.
Looking at the way my daughter is I think it's probably partly foo based but also might just be the way I'm made. She is a very clingy child, forms very strong attachments and is inordinately upset when those attachments are threatened. There is no reason for her to be like this she just is.
My H has called me needy in the past. Something to which I just thought "huh, look who's talking" but now I'm thinking maybe it's true. Maybe I have been coming off as needy all this time. Maybe I AM needy.
I don't really know where to go with all this. I just feel like the R between H and I has been built on a false premise and really is finally coming unravelled. The survival mode kicked in again with full force when he left 4 years ago and I DB'd so very effectively to get him back, even though I didn't "want" him back. I really just felt he had no right to leave me.
So I seem to have gone from feeling really upbeat about my life and who I am and how I can just be me and let him be him, to feeling really kicked in the teeth when faced with the reality of the him that is him not wanting much connection with the me that is me. The fact is I feel the same way about him, but I'm like a kid that can't funtion without my teddy.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
No there is nothing wrong with needing a positive relationship with your spouse. What is wrong is putting up with a relationship that sucks just because it is a relationship. Frankly there has been far too much of that in my M for far too long.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
OK, so I was feeling blah yesterday. I have got myself back on track and I did it by reminding myself to have NO expectations of H. My expectations (I think) were
a) H would be rested and cheerful after his trip b) H would be pleased to see me and would express that pleasure physically
H was still acting very introverted during yesterday evening, but hey guess what he is an introvert. Every evening he hides in the utility room smoking and drinking a few beers. This evening was the first when I actaully thought - that's his choice, that's what he wants to do. He is taking time to himself away from the world and he chooses to do it in that way. Who am I to worry that the utility room is not the most pleasant place to hang out, who am I to concern myself that he is drinking and smoking too much. It's what he likes to do to unwind after a hard day.
So I happily went about my business, popping in now and then to grab something from the big fridge that is in there and passing the odd pleasant remark about this and that but not trying to make it into a full-blown conversation which would have interrupted his down-time.
After dinner he went up to the den and did a bit of work on the accounts. I sat and read but I felt lonely. It occurred to me that I did not feel lonely when he was away even though I was alone, but I do feel lonely when he's here but not wanting to interact with me. The fact that he is choosing not to interact with me when he could makes me feel rejected, it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me that he chooses to be alone rather than with me. He has told me countless times that he just is a person that needs time on his own, but I just have been refusing to get it. And making it all about me
Anyhow a little later he came down and we watched some TV together (Michael Moore's Farenheit 911) we passed a few comments back and forth about the show. Later on we went to bed, and this time he seemed at ease and comfortable with some minor physical contact.
This morning some not so minor physical contact took place at his initiation
So I have the theory of no expectations all straight in my head - now I just have to keep up the practice.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
You gave him space and held onto yourself while you did it. You recognized YOUR feelings as YOURS, and his feelings as his... and that left all that lovely space in between for you and him to actually come together.
Yes. Practice. That's what gets you to the game. Good job, woman. Very good.
Excellent...that took a lot of self awareness to pull off, and what a nice ending!
Thanks RJ, it sure did. The first evening when we were in bed and he wasn't touching me was VERY HARD. I remember once Lil posting about self-imolation and just burning up and taking it. That's how it felt. Just dealing with my stuff and not trying to reach out to him to help me deal with it or dump/blame it on him - scary and hard.
Blackfoot: Morning nookie is THE BEST! Certainly is
Who are you, what have you done with haphazard, and do you have a sister? Still Hap (as far as I can tell). Although yes I have moved on a little from when you first knew me. Hap = happy and hazard = willing to take risks. That's why I chose the handle, not because I'm approaching all this in a disorganised fashion (although of course I am).
Why do you want to know if I have a sister? As a matter of fact I do and I reckon she'd give you a run for your money BF. When she was 15 she did the whole shaved head thing and she does give off a very badass vibe most of the time, but underneath it all she is really a pink and fluffy bunny rabbit. But because she's my baby sister I'm one of the few people on earth that know that.
If what you really mean is that you think I've come along so well you're starting to wish I was single.... don't tempt me )
Nice job. ^5. (although granted you already got your ^5 from H. LOL)
Thank you (takes bow)
I have something for you to chew on.
What is the difference between an expectation, and a requirement?
That is a very good question and something for me to chew on for sure. (Chomp, chomp). I'll get back to you.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
at his initiation 
Good job, woman. Very good.
)