3 Days to go

[Psch1968]

So a long update mid week.... but critical developments.

After 7 days of complete NC, she sent me an email which basically read as follows ... "After all the weeks of recent deliberation and even more so in the past few days, I thought I would take a leaf out of your book and put together my thoughts in writing, since that may be the best way to put across my feelings and may also allow you sufficient time to digest what I intend to write here. I am also acutely aware that so far, I have seemed unable to convey my thoughts well enough during our actual conversations. The box that you put together was so incredibly thoughtful and touching, and I recognize that it must have taken a huge amount of emotion and effort on your part, I am glad that you encouraged me to look at it…even though it was very painful to do so. Added to that, the 3 dozen red roses were incredible - thank you again for the surprise delivery. They are still here in full bloom making the dining room look and smell beautiful. Your reactions and consideration of my feelings during the past few weeks have truly been nothing short of amazing, and were more than I had hoped for. During this time, I have certainly seen some changes in your outlook on life, and your willingness to expose your vulnerability in the quest for a better future relationship for us. After an extremely emotional few weeks, I have somehow managed to finally make one of the toughest decisions that I have ever had to make, and I wanted to share that with you immediately for both our sakes.

While I am incredibly sad to acknowledge this, and have no desire to be the source of anything that causes you pain, I have confirmed my previously indicated feeling that there is no way back for our relationship as husband and wife. I have no idea if you will even read beyond this point in my letter to you, but I hope that you will because it has seemed important to you to understand exactly why this has happened. Additionally, I would like to attempt again to explain why I feel this way, as I know that you have struggled to understand my reasoning so far.....and perhaps that's because I have somehow caused confusion, or poorly articulated my feelings.

When we married, I embarked upon that journey with you full of hope for our future. I knew that I was making some compromises on what I had originally hoped for in a relationship, but I also thought that I was being mature and realistic when I realized that we are not all perfect. Some of what has happened since is perhaps because I have learned that some of the differences between us are too fundamental in their nature. Mainly however, I have felt that your behaviour towards me and the way that you have viewed me, us, and our relationship has changed over the years……and unfortunately not for the better.

Naturally, I can only talk about my own perspective and feelings here, so I apologize in advance if any of this sounds one-sided or selfish. I have felt over time that I have increasingly been taken for granted – in a number of ways. From assuming that I will take care of the multitude of household related tasks/errands/bill paying to your taking control of our vacations without consulting me before finalizing flights and plans, to allowing the affection in our marriage to breakdown, even when I was initially making the lion's share of the effort in this regard (though I accept that we both let things slide in this regard later on). It just felt as though you didn’t want to be physically close and/or found me unattractive in some way. When I have attempted to discuss how any of these things have made me feel, I have been met with either a wall of silence, or general indifference. Sometimes, you have even told me to 'stop spoiling the weekend' – these are not the actions of someone who cares about how I feel, and whether or not I am upset.

There have been times when I have been spoken to so rudely, and so harshly, that I found it hard to believe that you actually loved me at all. I would even go so far as to say that it has felt spiteful and vicious with some of the retorts that have been aimed in my direction. You'll recall that I also shared with you how it has felt in the past to be on the receiving end of the most disdainful, disrespectful looks from you – I cannot understand how you can suddenly recover that respect and love for me that has seemed so lacking in the past.

Sadly, while I believe (and hope) that I refrained from showing you any similar lack of respect over the years, more recently I found myself feeling so resentful of what I perceived to be your unreasonable treatment of me, that I lost the desire to make our marriage work. Every time you were mean to me, even in the smallest way, it added to the stockpile of resentment that was growing every day, and gradually changed my feelings for you – especially as I felt that I had supported you in the best way I knew how, particularly in terms of your career and our relocation. Instead of loving you so much that I would tolerate most things, or wanting to work at making it better, I became preoccupied with thoughts of escape from this desperately unhappy situation. I don't think I'm a bad person, and I felt as though I had put in enough effort, that I deserved something more in return.

In more recent weeks and months however, I fully accept that I too, gave up trying. I had no desire to try to continue to persuade you to discuss our problems. I have always felt that I had a lot to offer, but your actions have made me feel as though my contribution was not worthwhile, and that it was lacking in some way. I was tired of fighting you to gain respect and I couldn't understand how if the person I loved knew that they were upsetting me with their actions, they could continue to do these things without any real attempt to make things better.

Whatever we may forgive of each other Gary, I cannot forget some of the things that you have said to me in anger, or even seemingly out of the blue sometimes when you’ve appeared impatient. Similarly, I cannot forget the awful way that you looked at me in the past, or the way that you completely blanked me sometimes (and I’m not referring to the times when you honestly hadn’t heard me). I can't be with someone who has looked at me that way, completely devoid of any loving feelings, who is seemingly capable of switching gears from that to your more recent declarations of love. I don't trust it.

you are a capable negotiator who is able to influence people and decisions in business all the time, but in affairs of the heart where emotions are involved, things cannot be rationalized or resolved as easily. I know that you have been making huge practical strides to effect significant changes in your life, and while I feel that these are positive steps and I am genuinely happy for you, I don't believe that people can fundamentally change their personalities and character in such an enormous way. Perhaps I left it too long to take such a serious step outside of our marriage, if I had done it sooner maybe the damage would not have been irreparable. I don't know. What I do know is that while I love and care for you very much, I no longer feel able to do the work and make the sacrifices necessary to continue in our marriage.

The last few weeks have been extremely difficult, but I have felt freer than I have in years. Sure, I'm lonely and sad right now, but I'm also not walking on egg shells or feeling that my contribution is not enough. My true personality is re-emerging and I am on the road to being happier with myself. I am so sorry that this transformation cannot be with you, but I think that our being together has shown that we ultimately manage to rub each other up the wrong way, instead of bringing out the best in each other and nurturing our good qualities.

With all of this said, and if you still feel that you wish to move quickly towards a more official resolution of our situation, then please let me know when you'd like to sit down together to discuss next steps. I realize that you are going to Boston this Sunday for a week, and I imagine that you will be busy leading up to that, so just let me know when is convenient for you – or not. I am in no immediate hurry after everything we’ve only just been through, and the rawness that is still there, but I will be guided by you"

There you have it - very painful. and I will post my response shortly....



I hope that my outpouring here has helped to make a little more sense of the circumstances leading up to our current situation, and I hope even more that it has not made things worse. I do care for you….

[Psch1968]

Response I sent to her was as follows.....

"Thank you for this note. While it is not what I wanted to read, I respect you more for the fact you have written what you feel right now. I appreciate this was not an easy task, and it's up to me now to accept the contents and the tone of what has been written. I would like to explain a few things.

First, know one thing - I don't ever see myself filing for divorce from you, it's not my wish and it is hard to do that to someone I love & cherish so much. However, given your decision, we should agree and sign an official and binding financial separation agreement. That way, we both have clarity and peace with respect to our finances and shared responsibilities, and can concentrate on us, either together or apart, in the weeks and months ahead. Does that sound ok?

Second, it's hard for me to imagine that anyone in this world could love you or respect you as much as I do. And surely there can be no one in this world who wants to be by your side to support your ambitions in life as much as I want to be by yours. Indeed, my love for you remains eternal. I am hurting of course, because I want us to grow old together, and through some mistakes that I have made as your husband, you don't want that anymore and you don't want to trust that my recent changes are permanent. I have never denied that I should take 50% of the responsibility for the situation we are in, and recognize and understand that I have to accept the consequences of your reaction to that.

Equally, I know and trust in myself that those mistakes will never be made again in either my marriage to you, in my relationship with friends and family, or in another relationship with another woman. It feels tragic that you will only know deep in your heart once it is too late, that you were wrong to lose faith in me and in us.

For sure, you cannot choose the way someone feels about you – in the same manner in which I accept that you have chosen right now not to be with me, not to trust me, and not to see beyond the easy option, I have chosen a different path in the way I feel about you. It is a path where the love I feel for you will remain in my heart forever, and it is a love that is able to see above all the hurt and pain and resentment that you have thrown my way. Nothing you do will ever change those feelings – it is a love that allows me to turn the other cheek to everything that has gone on or is going on, and continue to hold the torch for us. It is a love that allows me to offer the hand of friendship to you despite your critical words and actions, and I want you to know again, that whatever the future holds for the two of us, I will always be willing to offer support whatever that may constitute, should you need it.

Now however, I will move on with my life because I accept your decision. If you do change your mind, I would ask that you reach out and ask me if I am 'still there' at that time, even if you think I might not be. I may just surprise you yet."

Thoughts, did I say the write things, is there a need for my to say more. We are meeting for lunch on Friday and I'd really appreciate viewpoints good and bad, about what to do next here..... Thanks

[BryanS]

First, nothing she wrote was surprising. In fact, take away the above average sentence structure, grammar and word selection and it's the same stuff people here report hearing from their spouse all the time. I don't trust you anymore, this is just how I feel and I can't change it, it's too late for anything to work, you drove me to this, etc. So, there's nothing in there that hasn't been addressed and resolved by others in the same situation; there's still hope.

Second, I would have toned down the response a little. It read to me almost a little holier than thou which is not what I would think you'd want to shoot for. Here I'm referring to the part where you mention her taking the easy option and you taking the Love Her Forever option. It may be true, just might not be a good idea to put it in neon letters like that. Also, I don't think declarations of future behavior (I will never....I'm not going to.....I will...etc) are a good idea because I'm betting your R has had plenty of those in the past and they have not worked out in your favor. Finally, I've gone round and round with myself about the "no one will love you like I love you" idea and came to the conclusion that, while I may feel that way, it's not going to have a positive impact if I say it. I think that's probably true in general.

In the future, if you get something like this from her again, less is more. I respect your decision, I have made my own in regards to us, I ask for your reciprocal respect of that. Oh, BTW, I think we need to take care of this financial sep. That's it.

She said it nicely but she bashed you pretty hard. I know how much that hurts. You handled it well, keep working, keep reading and don't give up.

[Psch1968]

Thanks Bryan - you know, as soon as I re-read what I had sent I sort of realised the things you are saying (why does that always happen after the fact :-(

Anyway I think you are right, I have read all this before, I am not going to beat myself up about it. She is true in many of ths things she says and I have accepted those problems were my fault, but the thing is of course the note is all one sided, and I am glad I did not try to respond in kind, would have done no good at all.

I am going to just go NC again till Friday and see what transpires over lunch. But I am determined to DB big time during that session - validate her, dont argue, listen, etc.

[BryanS]

(why does that always happen after the fact :-(

Because it wouldn't be ironic if it didn't and the longer I live, the more convinced I am that God loves irony .

You didn't respond in kind and that's a point in your favor. Focus on the positive. At the lunch, DB but don't over DB, you know? The principles as I understand them remind me of yoga: light, flexible, inoffensive, but incredibly strong. You sound very determined to DB during the lunch and that's good but try not to let that enthusiam carry over into an "I'm gonna DB you into submission" attitude. When done correctly, these things pack a lot of power into a very small exchange so again, less is more. Not that I know about doing it correctly, I've heard others tell about it . Good luck.

[OldFool]

My old thread locked and appears to have been lost.

It's still there. In fact, I didn't know you'd jumped to another thread. I've been wondering what's up with you. My last post on your old thread was to the following remarks you made there. I've re-posted it below.

Well I perhaps shot myself in the foot big time this morning, but I cannot change what has happened, so here it goes......

We spoke on the phone, and I was feeling so unhappy I told her that we should try to agree a time to meet to discuss next steps. She asked me what that meant, and I told her it meant we needed to start planning the finalisation of our marriage. She appeared shocked, and expressed surprise - 'you are giving me mixed messages about what you want' - well yes I am but hell I am on an emotional roller coaster ride and suffering badly here.

I told her it was not what I wanted, that she knew how I felt, but that I was doing this for her because it was I felt what she wanted at this stage, and that it felt like she couldn't bring herself to admit this was what she wanted. She didn't deny or agree.

We agreed to meet next Sunday for lunch, when she will see the dogs for the first time since leaving.

What to do now - half of me says I screwed it up, half of me says I got it right and that enough is enough.

Of course, the answer to the question of whether or not you did the right thing is wholly dependent upon what you wanted to accomplish. If you want the M over and to get the D as quickly as possible, then you have made a sound choice and I have every reason to believe you will achieve both...and quite rapidly.

If you want to save your M (or at least give it the opportunity to recover), you did yourself no favors. Ask any of us who've been here for a while, we understand the desire to have some control over your life, to have some idea of what the future holds, and the drive to "stand up for yourself" in the face of someone who is treating you badly.

You can choose to act on these feelings and desires or choose to ignore them for the time being (which is not to say forever). If you ignore them, I cannot guarantee that something good will happen for you. However, if you act on them, I can pretty much guarantee you will quickly find there is nothing left to save. Assuming a holding pattern for now does nothing to prevent you from taking action at a later date when time and some additional knowledge can be applied. Acting, however, will likely leave you with no options.

Unless you are absolutely certain you are through under any and all circumstances, file for a legal separation so you have some protection and then just let things alone. Ban the D word from your vocabulary. Let her drive what happens next rather than force her hand. It's not easy, but few things in life are.

[OldFool]

I suspect you're not hanging around here anymore, but on the outside chance you drop in one day, what has transpired with you since last Sept./Oct.?