After reading a lot of the posts, I'm getting extremely discouraged. When I pray a lot about my sitch, I handle things so much better, and I actually see signs of improvement. Yesterday I had to babysit my toddler grandson all day, and he kept me so busy that I didn't pray much at all (I'll have him all this upcoming week, too).
I ended up being extremely bitter, and last night I had a blow-out w/my WAH.
Please, PLEASE someone out there show me some words of encouragement and/or refer me to the real success stories!
We've only been separated for about a month, and I've seen some progress, but I've also made some huge mistakes that probably set me back to Square One.
I guess in any crisis or emergency they say the first thing to do is NOT PANIC. You must repeat this to yourself over and over so that you can think clearly. Get sleep, eat, breathe, excercise, pray, talk and cry to a friend you trust is pro marriage. But do not panic. If you feel the anxiety and panic is too overwhelming then you may need to see a therapist or take some time off. Is babysitting good or bad for you at this point? Say NO if you must take care of yourself. If that is not an option than think of ways to GAL with the toddler like going to an outdoor Farmer's Market. I used to get anxiety at the zoo when I saw all those "loving" dads but I used an exercise to get through it. I fantasized that I had a blow horn and yelled out that my husband left his family for a younger woman and that I was now all alone at the zoo. No joke. I imagined that the majority of people in our society would empathize with me not him! It totally works on airplanes and at amusement parks, malls, everywhere. Most people admire the person who holds it together whether it is a marriage or a single parent family. You can hold it together. Don't worry that you lost some traction. Act as if next time and from now on. Do not punish him, yet.... It does no good at this stage. He is the one who has to live with his own guilt so act above it as if you are fogiving and graceful. That may be your 180 also.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
You have come to the right place. It has been 3 weeks for me and most everyone goes through rough days and then we have some good hours.
The things that helped me have been reading the DB book and also "Hope for the Separated" by Gary Chapman. There is a specific prayer in that book and also several suggestions on how to proceed with your life while you are separated. There are many great posts from people who are in our same situation.
It's good that you have seen some progress even though there have been mistakes. I wish I could say the same; I have not heard from my H since the separation and he won't answer emails or voicemails (and I have not begged, pleaded, blamed). These contacts were to apologize for my failings and part in the separation and also about finances.
Please do some reading, praying, and take care of yourself.
The task ahead of you is never as great as the Power behind you ~ unknown
Thank you! I was in *panic* mode last night, and I woke up that way (early) this morning. I really have noticed that things fall apart when I don't pray. I just have to keep reminding myself to pray, even with all the distractions.
I babysat my grandson for the first 18 months of his life (w/o pay), but my daughter recently put him in a low income daycare. The daycare provider will be on vacation all next week, and I'm the only one available.
Unfortunately, I have no car, so I'll be at home with him for 9+ hours a day.
I love what you said about the blow horn. I feel like doing that, too! I just wonder how many of those *loving* dads are actually WAH's who are trying to just *look* like the good guys! The phrase *chick magnet* comes to mind. ;-)
Did any of your married friends treat you differently after you got separated? They probably assume that we're after THEIR men now. I've noticed a lot of friction between Hs and Ws now, whenever I'm around. Maybe that's why you'll see marriages falling apart in a domino effect. Ladies, I don't want your H! I'm fighting for my own H, thanks.
"I love what you said about the blow horn. I feel like doing that, too! I just wonder how many of those *loving* dads are actually WAH's who are trying to just *look* like the good guys! The phrase *chick magnet* comes to mind."
Oh my praying, I *just* posted on your thread. That is my H, described to a "T"!!! Not only is he attentive to the girls in public (and at home, darnit, he is a good dad), but he is overly attentive to me at parties and functions. Making me a plate, watching the girls so I can eat and socialize. I used to love this, now I hate it, because its sooooo fake.
Oh how funny. I just wrote some advice on my thread about that very subject. I said to not rally the troops and get too detailed about the bombs or separation. Yes, people will treat you differently and it is best to keep a lot of the details private. That is why I am here all th etime because I find it almost impossible to NOT talk smack about my H's crazinesss. I fear my married friends find I am a third wheel or even a bad influence, like I am badmouthing men in general. I do not. But it is a natural response. Almost all my friends are married. I know very few single or divorced people. I did feel like I lost some friends in the beginning but by doing 180s and GAL I have attracted a wonderful support system back into my life. I have not attracted my own H and I thought that was the point, but look at how wonderful it has turned out. I have plans every weekend because I GAL. I have a way more positive relationship with my inlaws and my parents because I did 180s. My kids are also better off, they are sad and they suffer but they play and see their friends now that I GAL more. I used to say NO to social stuff, maybe from anxiety, now I force myself to say YES and make it happen. Act as if you do want too be set up with your friends' single friends. I know that sounds crazy, but become the kind of woman that people think is a prize for their brothers and sons. It is the greatest compliment to have a coworker notice you are single and say they have a single brother who you should meet. That means you are a likeable person.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I have not heard from my H since the separation and he won't answer emails or voicemails (and I have not begged, pleaded, blamed). These contacts were to apologize for my failings and part in the separation and also about finances.
Ah yes. Take it from someone who's already been there/done that. No text msgs, e-mails, or voicemails, unless it's REALLY important! My H stopped answering his mobile phone and also stopped listening to my voicemails months before we separated. Now he only picks up if my daughter calls. I'm sure that one of these days he'll stop picking up her calls, too.
Of course, he's racked up hundreds of dollars worth of text messages, minutes, and voicemails on his mobile phone with OW! I would love for H to grab a calculator and add up how much money he's wasted on his relationship w/OW -- he'd be shocked. He puts the blame on me for our financial problems, though, because I haven't been able to work much w/my disability.
I made the mistake of admitting responsibility for some of our problems (a Gary Chapman suggestion which made everything worse), but all it did was give him ammo against me later.
I read Chapman's Hope for the Separated, too, and I followed his advice. Unfortunately, most of his suggestions seemed to make everything worse. I know a lot of people here think the book's great, but it really backfired on me.
Although I guess I'm still in the early stages (one month and counting) of my separation, I've found the greatest advice from Divorce Remedy. I'm also reading Joel and Kathy Davisson's *The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His* (www.godsavemymarriage.com -- excellent!) and James Dobson's *Love Must be Tough.*
We gotta be tough, even though it goes against our nature. The only time I fight w/my H is when I try to *fix* our marriage by reasoning with him. We get along great otherwise, believe it or not.
I was also shocked when our phone billwas almost $400! Amazing. then when I saw the same number over and over, they say that is a tell tale sign, but I would never believe that my H was even capable of that! I am with him all day and he works with my mom all night, plus he seemed so devoted to marriage, but... so the story goes. He claimed the number belonged to a depressed fishing buddy who was kicked out of his house. It is funny because I had no idea a man his age even knew about texting. He always made fun of those types of people and now he is one. Another thing that amazes me is the number of Christians and religious folks here. I had this stereotype that Church going folks stayed married longer. It is bad to stereotype. So I apoligize.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Prayingwife 247: It has not been an eventful weekend in the area of hearing from my H. (for background my situation is under "I asked my H to leave-regret it, now what?") That is the area that is the most discouraging. I know what you mean about admiting the mistakes-I think that "justifies" the position he's currently taking-punishing me by refusing to respond to me. It has been 4 days since I have emailed or left a voicemail-and believe me it has been hard-especially when it was my birthday yesterday and all I remember were all the good times we had on my previous birthdays.
How do I do DB (except GAL and set my own goals) when my H will not contact me. He has "gone dark" on me. I guess it's just a waiting and watching game at this point. As the days go by, without a word, I feel it's getting more and more hopeless.
I did go to the website you suggested (godsaveourmarriage.com) and read the 85 page excerpt-I truly believe that would work but how do I get my H to read it?
The task ahead of you is never as great as the Power behind you ~ unknown
