Beginning of the End

[Nutty Chick]

Panic over. They did not go to OW. he was late cos she told him to come over a little later and he dropped son off on the way.

How are you feeling today?

Any better??

NC x

[Corinda]

Hi NC

Glad they did not go to OW. I know what our heads can to do to us when we panic. I am currently reading a book on being a control freak- which is me to a T there is one quote that really stuck out

“Don’t talk to me, don’t touch me – stay with me”

That is pretty much me, I have been doing some heavy work with my C and my need is to punish and pay back those who hurt me – which pretty much describes a lot of our M – very sad to see that - too late.

I believe the IVF was a big part in our problems, but it was more that we chose to push it under the rug instead of deal with it. Just like we are both doing now with our M – no communication.

I had a very good talk with a friend last night who is quite spiritual and she thinks I need to take things at my pace and not try and fix everything right now and I am analysing my sitch to much.

Things we discussed

I believe H has moved on from our M and just does not know how to communicate it to me with words but I think he thinks he has or I am just hearing what I want to hear.

He has said

He mourned out M 6 months ago
We are probably a year to late to try to save it
He will not give in to my demands for answer just because I want it

When I say to him well end it and he does the "I don’t know" because every time I talk about ending M I also add well lets sell the house and cut everything when really they are 2 separate issues. Our emotional connection and our financial connection.

I need to get out of my head and put my ego away and decide whether I want this M or not. Very very hard to do when I feel like I have been wronged, also if H does not want to be with me why would I try to force him by giving ultimatums and demands, why can’t I just let things be for a while, because I feel like I have been wronged and really who would want to be with someone who is demanding that they love them.


I have said in my other posts that he does not take me seriously – well I believe in his mind we are no longer together and he is doing nothing wrong – just going along in his life. But my need is it to tell him that he is wrong – which is more of the same behavior in his eyes.

I have decided I need to stop discussing this with any friends as they just don’t want me to be hurt and keep telling me what I should do.

Some things I need to think about:

Do I need to hear him say I don’t want you in order for me to move on? Aren’t his actions showing me that by having OW.

Do I need him to admit he cheated on me to make me feel better and him feel guilt.

He is not doing anything to me, I am playing the victim he is not making me one.

By me selling up house – I lose out why should I move out and pay rent when I can live here rent free.

Everyone is saying to me he is having his cake and eating it as well, well he is not getting any cake from me – they think that he just thinks he can come home to me when he wants – well that is not true he is taking a risk that I will not be here waiting for him with open arms – whether he knows that or not does it really matter.

OW does not really come into it, what has she got, she only has him and I think he would be pretty defective at the moment whether he is showing it or not, I don’t think anyone can walk away after 15 years and think they are OK whether he mourned it or not, I was living in this house with him and I did not see much mourning going on. I am sure I would have noticed. So she has a man that is living in a granny flat with very basic amenities, I am living in our home with all the comforts, She can not touch his money as it is tied with mine, she can not marry him as he is not divorced and can’t get one at least for a year – its law. She may be pushing herself into our social scene, but she has to live in my shadow whether she likes that or not - our friends will not just accept her with open arms. She can’t even be a girlfriend because he is not single. So she is his mistress. So I guess I have a lot more power then she has at the moment – and I am sure that will piss her off even more.

Also every day I get stronger and am learning so much about myself, even though I do not have many conversations with him the ones I do have from now on will be when I am totally in control of my emotions and that will piss him off – as he expects me to lose it as it makes it easier for him to move on from a crazy women.

So my thinking is I will do nothing, and decide what I want to do with my life, I am going to get out there and try and date – very scary thought and try and enjoy myself. I have signed up for some personal development courses this month.

So that’s me – all sounds good in theory, but putting it all into practice is what I need to do, my main problem is I don’t know how to control my emotions when I am round him and to sooth my heartache – but I guess time will do that.

Ahh - some days it feels like the penny has finally dropped and others I am a mess, I guess I need to learn from AA one day at a time.

But it feels so good to get this all out thank you for being there.

How are you going with everything?

C

[Corinda]

Hi

I have not been around for a while. Just keeping busy and GAL.

Well I have had some ups and downs with H. Here's the update:

H rang 2/10 to come and do his washing I said yes come now and we will have a coffee he said we aren’t going to fight are we I said no, when he got here he told me he had been away for the weekend and I asked who with – he said I am not going to lie to you – I could feel my attitude change, I starting asking questions – he said it was like an interrogation – yes it was a bit, I asked what he wants to do he said “I don’t know” he said I pushed him away and that he does not believe that I love him I just say the words – he also said he is not sure if I pushed him to far or if it is to late. I said well by you seeing someone else how are you going to sort out what you want – he said I have my own mind and she is just a very good friend and that I have everyone is on my side, giving me support and everyone hates him and she is there for him. I asked if he wants to end our marriage he said “I don’t know if I want to throw away 15 years” I said well what you are doing is not helping the sitch, he said that it would be nice to try and have a normal conversation without all the BS and that he is emotionally drained and that we should get together in a week or so and that I could “continue my interrogation”. That makes me feel really terrible and childish.

During our conversation at one stage I got frustrated and said I am out of here and he said – see that’s what you always do – walk away. So I did not - I stayed and chatted about other things. When I left he gave me a long hug.

After this conversation – I finally got hit with that 2 by 4 that I needed months ago – (yes I am a slow learner) and have decided that I need to totally let this go and move forward.

2 days later I received an email from H about money and stuff – in one of mine I said that I am sorry if it came across like interrogation – he replied

Re the interrogation - I would like to try and normalise the relationship if possible and the 20 - 50 questions each time we see each other doesn’t help. Anyway I will speak to you next week.

I did not reply to this until 3 days later and I rang and said yes I would also like to normalise the R and be friends, he said how about getting together I said I was only free on Friday and I said if you are busy lets do it in a fortnight when I was free again – he said no that is to far away and lets do lunch on Friday.

So he came on Friday and we had a nice lunch and no R talk at all – everything but, he said he would give me a buzz and we would catch up again. I felt really good about being calm etc – and I am sure it would have shocked him as he would have expected at least one question. When he left I got a hug and kiss goodbye.

Since then no real contact except stupid emails from him and on Monday he lost his keys and asked if I would drop his spare keys off to him – I did – I analysed this and came to the conclusion that I would do that for anyone.

So I am trying the friendship route, but I will not initiate any contact with him, if he suggests a get together do I, or say no until OW is out of the picture. I don’t know what to think about OW he says friends and he is not getting into a relationship but I do believe he is sleeping with her, and she is starting to push her way into his social scene.

I have heard that she is a true piece of work and not a very nice person once you get to know her, that it is all front and that this is not the first time she has played around with a married man.

So what do I do now, let this go and move on or wait for her to dig her own grave, I really don’t know, I am really trying to detach and have made some new friends, and hear what he is telling me but I know our M breakdown is not about her, its just him distracting himself and not facing his problems.

Why does he keep me hanging, every time I have asked him to come he comes – probably him keeping the door open. But he is not making any really effort with me – just saving himself the fall out of finalising everything.

I believe we could get our R back to a good place and I do not want to throw it away but he has to meet me halfway.

I know what i am doing is not working so I guess I need to finally go dark and see what happens, but I am in such a catch 22, he says I did not care in our R and that I was cold etc, so how will more of the same change the dynamics.

But if he wants me he will have to make the moves from now on.

Any advise, even if it is hard I need it.

Corinda

[Lissie2414]

HI Corinda
I only read your last post but it sounds like your H and mine are kind of alike. Mine has not admitted to the OW but he did finally say he wanted to do something with her and our S as you may have read but he made it appear as a group thing. I really do thing that they just do not know what they want to do. They are not sure if what they are doing is right or they know it is not right but they do not want to tell us since they do not want to close that door either.

I am struggling with what my next step should be with my H as well. I can not go dark since we have an S together but that may be a good course of action for you. Try not to be as available for him. I know you said you would bring the keys to anyone but do not go out of your way for him like you would for anyone. That could get him thinking som. Do not ask him to come anymore. Anything you would have asked him to do for you have someone else do it but make sure he knows it in some way. I hope this helps and please keep in touch.

I will try to read the rest of your posts this weekend.

[built4speed]

Wow, I just read your whole sitch. So much to say, and I might be full of it, but here goes.

I am a man. You keep asking what is he thinking and I really have no idea, but I will give you one possible scenario and you can see if it is helpful. I hope it is.

It sounds like you did not make life very fun to be around you. Perhaps fun is the wrong word. It was just unpleasant. Drinking, over controlling, etc. This is not to say you haven't made HUGE progress, but at the same time, you have a long way to go.

So if I was him, first I'm thinking okay, she's got some issues but I love her and we can deal with it. Then as the years drag on, he hides until you won't leave him alone, then he tries to address the issues. You don't want any part of it. So eventually he gives up. At some point this other gal shows up who, at least for a while, treats him like a king - or at least doesn't treat him badly, which relatively might feel the same as being treated like a king. So he has you who are treating him badly, vs her who is treating him well. His choice is not a difficult one. When the ultimatum comes, his mind is clear.

But, then after he is gone, you start to change. Or he misses what you used to have together. It's human nature to forget the bad and remember the good (otherwise who would do childbirth [or run a marathon] more than once?). Sometimes life near you is not so bad, but then you start the interrogation again and remind him why he left. You really need to stop doing that. Just stop.

So, why does he say "I don't know"? Because he doesn't. He would like his life with you back, but he's afraid you will start treating him poorly, so he is scared. The only way for you to fix your marriage is to change yourself so you have new behaviors that don't continue to harm the R.

You have made a great start. "Normalizing the R" as you call it is you starting to do what I just said. He is practically begging you to do this. Stop treating him like crap, which is how he feels when you start asking questions. Fix your control issues. You already stopped drinking. You are beginning to figure out that it's not about OW, him keeping you hanging or anything else. It's totally about you fixing your issues.

So, yes, you need to detach so you aren't worrying about him or OW 24x7. You need to stop insisting he meet you "halfway" (another attempt at control). He feels you have screwed this up and you need to go 95% of the way before he is going to start thinking maybe you aren't going to start treating poorly him again. A question for you: are you willing to do virtually all of the work to save your marriage, or not? Just remember if you say no, you will probably have the same issues in your next R. Might as well work it out with this guy.

Which brings me to one last thing: don't date. You need to put so much pressure on fixing you that bringing in someone else will not give you space to fix yourself. And it won't be fair to them: you are not really in a position to be unconditionally loving.

Also, don't worry about OW. Eventually she will start making demands that he is completely unable to meet and he'll get rid of her. If you spend the time fixing yourself, you'll have a chance. If you waste it worrying about her, him, or being controlling, well, you reap what you sew.

So, from the 1% of your life I can get via this site, that is my two cents (or is it pence?!). Virtually all of what I've said is pure DR, just from a guys perspective.

I hope it helps.

Good luck!