I thought I should move over to this board now that my H moved out 5 days ago. To save me rehashing all the details here is my link to posting on the newcomers forum but here is a brief.
We had issues trying to have children, we did not deal with it, I felt he shut down on the topic so I pulled away and took up drinking, and then we basically drifted apart emotionally and physically.
Time Line
1 July found sms from OW – he said they were just friends and let’s try to work this out but he needs space and moved into 2nd bedroom, he spent every weekend away from home
28 July I lost it and told him I had enough and told him we were done and he needs to move out. I moved out for 7 days.
1 Aug We agree to separate – me reluctantly
4 Aug I moved back home – he told me he is moving out on 4 Sept. But has spent most nights staying away from home.
4 Sept He moved out
I have admitted and apologised for my faults and have been sober. I have given this lots of thought and am seeing things more calmly now then I did in the beginning and realize I pushed for the separation with a lot of help from him. I know there is really not much I can do now but give him space but part of me thinks just to let this go and learn from it but I don’t know if I am reading between the lines looking for hope or just seeing what I want to see and how do we re connect when there is nothing holding us together.
Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Corinda. there is little you can do about the past mistakes so start on your 180s today. It sounds like you already have. You got sober and you moved back home and you changed your mind about seperation. Good start. It is never too late so be positive. Maybe there is OW, maybe not, but looking at your stats, well let's just say you are in the same vulnerable spot as many of u,s so don't beat yourself up or feel alone. Ten year anniversary, early 40's and family issues makes a great recipe for a classic mid life crisis and a seperation. Throw in some hormones, alcohol, and a undestanding coworker or neighbor and "poof" you are Divorce Busting. Let's get to work Corinda. As Michele says, roll up your sleaves, you have a lot of work to do.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Yes I have starting looking at what the issues in our relationship were and stopping drinking was a big thing – he hated my drinking but now he does not live here how will he even know? I guess friends will let him know maybe
I did not really want this separation I said it in anger, but I feel now that it was the only way to get some relief from the anger that was going on in the house and I have told him that we need space to work out what we want. But it is killing me, there is no more snooping (I used to check his phone and I am pretty sure he knew this). There are no more tears that he sees anyway.
He sent me an email today saying hello CD using my initials and informed me of his spending on our credit card and signed off regards – that stung, I just replied saying ok and this is what you owe, with no pleasantries what so ever on my part – this may have come across a bit harsh but I was trying to keep it business like. I also had to ring him tonight to tell him our friends father is dying and that I would keep him posted, he advised he is going away for work again and will be back next and wants to come to the house and do some washing and he said we will chat if I want to be here when he comes over, I said let me know when you are coming and I will see what I am doing – conversation was short with just the how are yous etc.
I just don’t know what to do, we have hardly had any contact but then I guess he has only been gone a week and in the DB it said let them have time to think.
I guess nothing I can do except keeping busy and see what unfolds.
Also I have to let go of OW as I really don’t know what is going on and it only drives me crazy.
One question though, if don’t initiate any contact how will he know that I care, what if he takes it as me being a b!tch?
I am still learning all this stuff so any advice is more than appreciated.
HI Corinda I am struggling with the same thing. If we have little or minimal contact how do they know that we care and that we are not being a bitch like you said. I mean when I see him I try to be chipper and nice but it is for such a short period of time. If he is at the house and I go about my business isn't that defeating the purpose. I am very confused on how to handle that aspect of things as well.
I am sure we are going to get some great tips though
I don't have the answer to the "how will he know" questions because it doesn't seem to make sense to me. But Michele says it works that way and she's not the only one; if you do a little research online (and that's about all I do anymore in order to keep from going nuts) you'll find lots of advice in that same vein. Things from books on how to pick up people in bars. All have the same general idea: the other person somehow, someway does in fact notice what you're doing and it does work in your favor. It is something that has been documented to happen so take it on faith that it will.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/29/1512:55 PM. Reason: book reference not allowed
Thanks for your replies i really hope that they do notice. I too Bryan have spent the day searching - searching for answers to questions i don't know. It guess we just have to give things time but it just seems time is going so slowly i have been GAL its nights that hit the hardest.
Corinda - Do it for you; not for him. If he notices that is a bonus.
NC x
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
We I think I have finally made a break through with myself, I know no matter what happens I will come through this a stronger and better person. I am still very sad but the anger has pretty much gone. I had talk with my C yesterday about my need to “keep kicking the dog” as my C put it, every time he sent an email asking about something I was cold as, now I am nice and polite but indifferent – detachment maybe. What ever happens I do not want to carry anger and resentment around with me, also I would hate to have to cross the street to avoid him later on.
Anyways we had a nice 10 min phone conversation yesterday, and he is coming over on Monday to do his washing, I have decided I will not be here, I may be here when he comes in but then I am off to work.
For myself I have found it becoming easier to detach as I gain more and more control over my anger. Anger causes you to control and when you have the need to control you can not detach.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
