Falling slowly

[ReDesigner]

Eeeyew. Today H was supposed to show in court to respond to the proforma petition for the D agreement. I don't know whether he did. I was really busy with transferring to a new posting, running between new office and old. Sad to say, the petition was supposed to be a ploy to shock him and let him know that the D he wants is really serious business.
D (15) started her new school on the other coast this week. No word from her, except a few entries in Facebook. She's up and down. The excitement of the start of a new school, with all new stuff for the year is taking her mind off the fact her parents are far away. I miss her terribly, but I try not to press it to her in my messages. She would accuse me of "pressuring her" if I complained too much.
Meanwhile... I emailed H to tell him I was now securely employed and he could leave our house. He sounded eager to get out. Friends on the other coast told me he called. H said he's eager to get there to be with the OW soon, but didn't have a job yet. H said he might just "bite the bullet" and go anyway without a job. Hah! He still hasn't toted up the cost of his passion. I thought about him dropping any spousal support, although I'm entitled to indefinite support for the length of the marriage. Then, I thought about how there would be no more health or dental coverage if he quits his job. My D is not living with me so she wouldn't be covered. I thought about all the peripheral expenses that he takes for granted being employed and realize... he's crazier than I thought. Since when is a 55-yr old man going to have an easy time of picking up a six-figure income job from out of town? He thinks the OW makes so much, they will move all together into a big house. Right. The financial part is so scary and he seems to have absolutely no concept or concern about it.
Even the lawyers can't seem to make him understand the implications financially for now and in his retirement.
Meanwhile, I just started a great new job with superb benefits. That's why I was thinking about what he's giving up for his "passion." He shows no sign of coming to realizations.

Interestingly, last weekend, I met a man who's a friend of a woman friend. We were comparing notes on inexplicable behaviors. She asked him, from a man's point of view - what did he think my H was doing? He dead-panned -- "It's about his mother..." We both cracked up! Just before she asked him his opinion, I mentioned to her that I couldn't understand how H could deliver his beloved D to his brother with whom he's had a jealousy since I met him. He has always said his mom loved this brother most. Little did I realize how accurate I was, according to this guy. This man had been through his own tribulations, his marriage breaking up after the death of a 13-yr old son. It seemed that he'd done a ton of soul searching and had come to so truths he was willing to share. He believed my H will not shift until he "hits a wall." The girlfriend and I roared, again, saying we've been expecting him to hit bottom months ago. I remarked H had been digging himself in so deep the only wall he was going to hit was the "Great Wall of China" and then, maybe, he'd miss that too!

Now, I wait. My L says she will file a schedule. If H and his L fail to meet the schedule, I think D is imminent. H thinks he can just ignore things and let them take their course and he won't have to pay the L.

Who can tell the future, but I am feeling so much better about myself. I am seeing and feeling revolted when I think of how he abused me emotionally. I wanted so badly to find a way for us to recover. At this point, though, after having left his abuse a year ago, I have serious doubts to whether he will ever admit or redeem himself now. I've self-corrected whatever he's been complaining about me, so there are no more excuses. It's all [b][/b][i][/i]him!

H-55
Me-53
D- 15
M-23 yrs
Known - 25 yrs.
EA & A - 11/05
Separated - Aug 28/06
D -??

[princess_nic]

I haven't read this in detail yet, but could you stick to one thread? It's easier to follow what's happening for people who are new to your sitch.

I'll be back!

[ReDesigner]

Yes... sorry it has become confusing. I'll keep on with this one.

Thanks for the patience. I'm still a newcomer.

Cheers, TS

[ReDesigner]

Falling slowly has just turned to accelerating, I saw my L yesterday. Her response now is that we can move towards D. The reply to our petition was, according to her - a load of "bs." The thing was a fill-in-the-blank template that hadn't even been corrected to our situation in places. It was pathetic and sloppy work from his L.

I'm getting so worn down. Like clockwork, if it's Tuesday, it must be Breakdown-into-tears-Day. It's happening too often and I admitted this to my L. She agreed, said I had to wait to long.

Knowing I was about to meet my L for our response to H's reponse to the D petition, I worried that the cost of the legal process would go out of control. I felt I had to make one more attempt to find out what he really wanted. Meeting in a park on the weekend for 45 minutes, I realized that he is so stuck. He has not at all changed his stance in the almost two years he's been getting deeper into his EA, then full-blown A. In fact, I came away from the meeting feeling that I'd lost the war, but won a few battles. That notion was quickly dispelled when I found three emails from him. One said he was going to pay two more months alimony during my job probation. The other one was his delayed reaction to the small battles I'd won. The blame and accusation just got worse. I didn't bother to respond to the abuse. It made no sense, was full of self-justification and even a few made-up charges against me. It was the clearest evidence how lost he is and incapable of reason.

Funny, but everyone says he's going to hit a wall soon. He's in debt, he shipped our d(15) off to his brother, three time zones away (a form of abduction, according to my L.), might quit his 6-figure job, be unemployed - to be with OW and her 4 kids and wants me to pay him 10s of thousands so he'll sign over the house to me. My L can't figure out how he arrived at the figure. I think it's what he figures is half of whatever equity is left if the house gets sold. It's not even on the market right now because I want to move into it and rent the spare rooms. He complained to me of his mounting debt, according to him because of the house expenses and paying for the private school for our d(15) but I know he's not counting all the travel he did to pursue the OW all over the continent. A friend tells me that he's hit the wall, alright... he just keeps banging his head against it, hoping to get through!

Since I just started my new job and have been put on the typical 30-wait list to get paid, I cannot really afford to prolong the process. What is most sad is he's still in his MLC and is not accepting that he can't afford this either, nor to continue to finance his A.

My lawyer confirmed that the last document was really testament to the fact my H has serious mental/emotional disorders. She thinks it's clinical depression, having seen it a lot before. I'm sure it's more than just MLC, piled on top of SAD and other problems that my efforts to DB cannot overcome.

Sadly, I am resigned to the process that will likely see this M deleted and trashed in about a month.

Well...I can say I did try and that I have regained myself, look great - about 15 years younger than I am and now have a great job. I still respect the institution of M. I also believe that mental illness is a many-headed dragon.

I'll grieve for sure. I'll miss my d(15) who I hope will realize she should be with me, regardless of where I live. I'll attempt to be a phoenix and will ensure that I have learned valuable lessons about myself. Thank you all for your support.

[goal]

It is not over until it is over.....

Don't give up hope, these situations can turn on a dime..


Luv goal

[ReDesigner]

Thank you for your faith and hope. I'm just dog-tired. Hoping is taking too much energy that I had better apply to work. Still... I appreciate that one cannot predict.


My D(15) messaged me that she is getting pangs of missing me. It's been 3 weeks since she left the city. It's pretty clear that in the coming weeks she'll feel more of the sense of loss. She says she's trying to push the feelings away.

As for him... I think he's bi-polar as well as in a severe MLC. For me, the only thing left is to detatch and release - then walk my own walk alone.

Thanks for the optimism. It can never hurt.
Best,
TS

[goal]

I also think my H has bi-polar, but a lot of what they do in MLC mimics bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and narcissistic behaviors.

It is hard to pinpoint what is going on, but we know something is.

God has been a great inspiration and strength for me with this crisis. Without him I would have died.

He can do and fix anything.... remember that

[princess_nic]

Hi,

Sorry I haven't written for a while; I've been in the midst of my own drama.

I am sorry to hear that your H is still on this destructive path. What a terrible shame that he feels he has to give up all of his current life to be happy. Surely, this will come back to haunt him - but that's not your problem.

TS, you've been doing really well with taking care of yourself. Your D, as you say, is beginning to realize the ramifications of going along w/ her father's wishes. I know you don't want to see her suffer, but it seems like she needs to make her decisions on her own, and living with her uncle isn't such a bad thing in that respect: she doesn't have you or her father to rebel against, which might give her some emotional space to find her own way.

Take care,
Nicola

[ReDesigner]

Hi Nic,
Uh, oh. I thought something might have been up with you. Feel free to get in touch. Let me know...

Although H is in self-destruct mode - it's really his trip. I've learned things about him in the past few months that he never told me. As I've heard these bits and pieces of information, it's made sense as I looked at our life as a whole. I began to see how complex it was and that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. He, by contrast, has been running away all his life. In fact, I was where he ran and "hid" for almost half his life. It appears that he never established a strong identity. Now, I just feel sad and sorry for him. I wish I could extend my service and help because he's "family." However, I realise to him, I'm also like the red cape waved before a raging bull! I'm not the right "family" to lend the helping hand.

I've attempted to stop taking his behaviours personally. That's tough. At mass today, the message was a like a thundering shake-up directed at me!! It was about knowing your own values and principles and consciously living them, being a role model for your values. It definitely means being conscious of one's decisions and choosing to align them with your personal principles. I started to sign the occasional e-mails with my H as "Valjean." That's because I read "Les Miserables" shortly after we were married. My H remarked that I reminded him of the character "Jean Valjean." Now that I think of that, I feel honoured and I also think I've strayed away from that strong sense of principles. I got sucked into H's insanity for years.

Yeh, D is having an emotional "holiday." I don't think the environment will support her, though. Her uncle told me that he would never be like his dad - too strict. As a result, he let his kids run wild. That's why his W decided to send the kids to the "evangelical" school - they were afraid they couldn't raise the kids well. They're hardly the paragons of anything because his W attempted to throw him out at least three times. It precipitated a family crisis and everyone swooped in to help him. (Somehow they managed to salvage things and that's more than I can say about us.) From what I've heard, that lot's all icing, but no cake. My D has good radar for hypocrisy, so after some observation time, I'm pretty sure things will look different. Meanwhile, I wait and look forward to a higher power guiding the way for us all. "I feel bad and wish things were different."

Be kind to yourself, too.
TS

[princess_nic]

Hi Nic,
Uh, oh. I thought something might have been up with you. Feel free to get in touch. Let me know...

The latest cr*p...uh...news is on my thread.