I think I belong back over here in Midlife Crises, right where I was 3 years ago. I've been over in Separated because at first I didn't believe it could still be MLC, but now I'm not sure. Sure looks, sounds, and smells like it.
Anyone have any experience with an MLC that possibly got interrupted by an event or traumatic injury, and then came back again? Is it possible to have two MLCs? Or is that just not a viable theory?
I certainly db'd myself to success last time, or thought I did. Don't know whether I slipped and went back to my old ways, or H changed his mind incredibly fast. Even with the past experience, the current bomb really came out of the blue. If he was that unhappy, he deserves an Oscar for his acting ability.
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
I, If your h was going through mlc and had something "snatch" him back to reality, yes, he can be now starting all over again. It's been said that if they are snatched back from the transition/crisis and haven't completed it, the second time around will be much worse.
As we grow up, we go through life transitions, i.e., one a puberty, another around the age of 18-21, around 30, 40ish and again later on in life. Many times, we blaze right through them w/o blinking the eye. Other times, they are interrupted and something will trigger them to start the transition/crisis all over again. How they process their issues is unique unto themselves. No two are alike, just as no two individuals are alike. Those w/"minor" issues tend not to be quite as off the wall as some of those whose issues are severe. How they react to their crisis will depend upon their childhood issues and also the way that we react to their flipping the switch. The more we push them for answers, the harder they will pull away and act out.
I'm very sorry to have you back here again, but you know what you need to do and we will be here to support you. You've already been on the coaster once, so this time around you are already more prepared than the first time around.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The shock of it happening again, so completely unexpected, was enormous. However, I'm happy to say my first thought was that I knew what not to do, didn't start bawling, and just let him go.
The last time, he pretty much lived in the bedroom down the hall, spent months and lots of $ getting the rental apt fixed up for himself, but only went to his 'new' place a few times, so there were a lot of opportunities to db. He never shut me out completely. It was extremely, extremely difficult to always 'act as if', and I did not initiate R talks, only polite upbeat conversation if we happened to be in the same room. This allowed me to validate a lot of his craziness indirectly. For example, he didn't know that I knew he had looked into plastic surgery but when a TV show was on about it I was able to steer the conversation so that I had an opportunity to say that I thought he was better looking than when I married him.
He was in typical Replay when bomb dropped, and I saw him go thru the next stages over about 9 months, with all of the craziness, crying, depression, and confusion (all his) that is involved, most of which he didn't remember afterwards. I believe he was starting the final stage and was reconnecting with me when he broke his back. This injury consumed his (and my) life until just recently. But during this time our relationship was great. I was still fearful for many months, but felt much more confident after he said while in the hospital, completely out of his head on drugs "I really love you. I don't know how I ever thought of leaving you."
This time, H was out the door so fast my head is still spinning, and we have had no contact since he left last Mon. He has been to the house while I'm at work every day except Wed. He wants to leave everything as it is, but stay over in our rental apt.
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
Sounds like typical behavior. He's having to face his own mortality and it is scaring the heck out of him. He can run, but he can't hide for aging and death.
Let him go. He'll be back when he has a better handle on his emotions. He's got a lot to think about in the days ahead. He's had a lot of triggers that set him off once again.
Keep the focus on yourself and think about what you want to do w/your life while he's trying to figure out how to find himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Any comment on the fact that H leaving this time does not seem to involve much confusion, depression, or anger. This time he seems very deliberate and calm, but in a great hurry. And I don't see any of the resentment or anger that preceded the first bomb.
Right now, I'm still on the fence about saving the M but am dbing anyway for myself. At this point, that involves not calling him and trying to take care of myself. Strangely enough, I don't really want to talk to him or ask him any questions. I'm spending my time trying to decide if I should just get over the pain and move on.
Forgot - very cool, on my way home from work today I was behind an SUV that had a sticker on it "DB a way of life". Was that a sign???
Also interesting. I left a pad next to the computer with a name and phone number. It was from woman at local hospital where I have appt for colonoscopy next week (Ick, ick) - she just called for patient info. But apparently H saw it and googled the phone number. That was only thing he did on the computer except check email.
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
Hi, I have read your threads, and been thinking about them. My h's MLC appears to consist in a long replay stage during which time he has made three attempts to come back.
Now, if he had sustained a n injusry after an one of those attempts, and stayed, I might have thought the crisis was over, because each attempt to return was preceded by touch and goes. The last time heleft he was much more calm andbusiness like about it.
I don't know whether he will want to make another attempt at reconcilation - he is showing some signs of reconnection, so I am still work in progress, moving forward and onwards with my life.
My point is that it seems, from postings here, that Replay often takes more than a year to work through, and may involve a series of partial reconciliations.
There is a post somewhere in the MLC resources that strongly suggests that if they come back before working through the whole thing they may run again later.
It is exhausting, isn't it, and it all feels so dramatic and unnecessary!! There is enough bad stuff in teh world without manufacturing things.
Exhausting is the word. I'm having a hard time deciding if I'm interested in staying in M. Have no interest in working on M-saving goals, so I'm just focusing on my own goals. It's working so far, of course with the usual ups and downs in mood, but not the same crying all the time like last time, thank goodness. Doing nothing right now can't hurt the sit.
When I try to work the goal-setting chapter of DR, I just get disgusted by my own focus on H, so I'm leaving it alone for now. I'm tired of it being always about him.
It is either MLC or H just being extremely selfish, which he is. He's not a spiteful or malicious man, wasn't last time either, but he has always been supremely self-absorbed (gets it from MIL!).
H has turned 'masking' into an art form - all of his sibs do it too. I believe that showing your true feelings was and is just unacceptable in his family. Anything unpleasant is generally avoided. His parents hardly acknowledge or seem to be conscious of the fact that he is an alcoholic. FIL/MIL always brought beer or wine into our house when they visited. But H always thought his parents/family were perfect, although in the last few years he seemed to be realizing that they were not, as is no one. In fact their increasing frailty and MIL's behavior (I think dementia) is probably just another trigger for him.
And think about this story:
MIL has told me several times "you'd be surprised which one of my kids had the worst temper" She said H, but then she sat him down one day and explained to him how he couldn't be that way, and he was very good after that. So I asked her how old was he when they had that talk, since it worked so well. SHE SAID HE WAS 3!!! I can't begin to imagine what she said to him, but boy does he have a problem showing anger, and dealing with anyone else who does either.
Still no contact since Monday. I think this is the longest we've ever gone without contact in 17 years.
I'm trying to catch up on everyone's threads, but I must admit it's confusing - well I'm also easily confused.
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
I also think you're right about the replay. More of that is going on again. The new clothes thing, talking about new motorcycle all the time, only interested in his toys.
In fact even though money has been tight because his retirement money is not completely worked out, and even though H claims that he didn't tell me about tenant moving out of our rental apt because he didn't want me to worry about the money sit, H told me last week and confirmed last weekend that he was going to spend $300 to rent a different Harley for 3 days as his birthday present. Definitely MLC kind of logic.
But as I reminded myself today, it is all about him. And in his mind he's doing what he has to do to take care of himself. But I wonder where he thinks he'd be today if I had taken that attitude. Neither his parents nor his brother even visited him after a 10-hr operation or when he was in the National Rehabilitation Hospital (in DC) for a month in 05, and BIL works right in DC and both live right in the area. Does he think any of them would have taken care of him when he got out? None of them even offered to help.
Well, that was then, this is now. Later, gators.
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
Yes, not showing feelings, and keeping your temper was very much the scenario for my h and his sibs. His father had a vile temper, but generally both his mom and dad sulked if things weren't going well. The silences in teh family home were tangible!! But it can't have been any fun growing up there.
The idea of people talking things through was just so unthinkable to them . . . .So nobody talked about anything, and then occasionally there would be these huge scenes from his dad.
When the sibs get together they all have the weirdest body language. And emotionally they regress to about 16.
Have you read 'Silent Sons'? It is a revelation about the dynamics and effects of dysfunctional families - even teh denial that the family was dysfuntional is apparently fairly typical [though not invariable].
